I happened to open an old journal today… it’s interesting to take a look back at a little over 2 and a half years ago when I had put myself in process to get my hormone replacement therapy. I was extremely exited and optimistic, bubbly jabbering in my journal about how much fun I would have transitioning and making notes on my hair styles and aparell. It took a long time but I finally made the right decision for me. This decision took nearly 9 years. It was amazing, more than amazing ; to get to the hardest cornerstone decision that shaped me to the woman I am today. I was proud of it but, this long wait came with its costs…. this 9 year wait was my nightmare of which I could not awake from and still occasionally reminds me of a deeply rooted pain.
It’s extremely common for transgender youth to know that they are a little different than the rest of the flock but unable to fully express themselves, discover themselves or even acknowledge themselves at all! For years we hide our identity or face mountainous in our way: coming out and transitioning and not being treated with simple equality and fairness in the family home and society as well. For myself I was always anxious about anyone knowing or talking about the fact I had crossdressing tendencies; from panic attacks to the secrets I kept to the the dark and dangerous places in the real and online world where I found comfort.
For some reason homophobic and transphobic jokes and stereotypes are prevalent among youth. So prevalent it is as though it’s embedded so deep into society that you learn to call someone a faggot before you learn to clean your room. This causes an immediate effect on youth preventing growth and acceptance. I remember it starting in early elementary school, and just now starting to fade away in my late twenties. Hearing this language so much as a kid caused me to jump on a hateful bandwagon that would be quick to bash who I have become today, and who I realized I always have been; a proud transgender woman.
“To be or not to be?”. The question I and many other trans folks ask or had been asking themselves for years. “Should I come out? Should I transition?” Or even, “will I even survive this where I am at in my life? “Where do I fit in the gender spectrum?” Circumstances make everyone’s story vary from the one person to the next. For some it’s work or family, financial or relationship, social or morality. I find in most cases that we all have to run, dodge and bite the bullets coming at us on all fronts.
I made up my mind. In November 2014 I began HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy)….To fully transion. I kept pushing in life, going to school and working as a woman under the name I had chosen for myself some years ago, “Nina”. Changing daily routines like bathrooms and reminding people of my preferred pronouns and coming across hateful people in and out of my inner circles was a challenge. But a challenge I gladly faced.
If I can give hope to anybody struggling with these issues I must say that it’s been an amazing journey ever since. I was anew, like being reborn it was surely a fresh start. Today I can honestly say it was one, if not the best decision I have ever made. Obstacles come and go but living my truth, my destiny.