Me: Battling Depression and Anxiety and Withdrawals

Oh my, how have I even come this far? Days sober somewhere around: 85-90 (farthest I’ve ever come) and off the streets now; had been living in shelters during our freezing winter for months, but now in my dream home… wow, what a difference.

But it’s still not easy; I have angry spells and crying spells, terrible and painful anxiety with multiple trips to doctors and hospitals every month. I can have good spells lasting up to a week or two and then I come crashing down one way… or another. I made a mistake of going off of a hormone meditation without consulting a doctor; that was a very bad idea, especially planning to quit my anxiety meds at the same time. I would cry for no particular reason..  for almost a week, popping the anxiety meds like candy trying to calm down, when I’m supposed to be tapering off them and just balling my eyes out and having no idea why, I don’t know if I have ever cried that much….

… I thought I had depression and was even getting a little suicidal so I ended up talking with a nurse over the phone and she told me that it was actually withdrawals from the medication I was experiencing. Now that’s over! thank god! But that being said I’m still left with anxiety… painful and a bit of depression or maybe not depression maybe just frustration, frustration with myself… I’m not sure. The anxiety is some scary shit though, like painful to the mind and body…and I’m hoping someday soon to really really get it under control.

Onto my current situation…  So I’m out of anxiety meditation now. Sigh* All because of my idiotic withdrawal pill popping episode and am thinking of trying to go without them for 5 days before seeing my doctor, it’s a little scary to think about but I’m tired of begging doctors for pills to keep me stable. I have mood stabilizers I plan to thoroughly pump into my body for these next 5 days to scapegoat anxiety and a trip to a doctor or hospital. They make you very tired and very hungry and in my personal opinion… a little stupid. Also, I’m not so sure they are really going to prevent anxiety attacks, but I know they will help… a little…

The positive aspects of life help and there are so many: My transition going well and my partner staying by my side through it all; to my home and my sobriety and my art and writing or… staying fit and eating healthy… Meditation and conquering all my issues day by day. Those things help me as to not give up. I’ve been close to the edge my whole life and I think that I am backing away now. Backing away into safety; into a new and wonderful life.

And I’m thankful for that.

Just got to hold it down, 5 days…


11 thoughts on “Me: Battling Depression and Anxiety and Withdrawals”

  1. Nina, I think you are pretty bloody amazing. Firstly, bravo on having the courage to write about such a personal and life-changing issue.

    There’s an awful lot going on…each issue with its own complexities and side effects as a result of meds. I would never advise going cold turkey on any of those medications for the results can be quite alarming. It’s important not to do this alone and without discussing it with a medical professional. It’s not about being weak, more about safeguarding yourself and being prepared. You are a strong woman and I have no doubt that you will get through this with time, love and understanding. The hormones alone can have the propensity to make you feel terribly up and down.

    That you can meditate, is brilliant. That you can throw yourself into your amazing writing, is awesome.

    Just be you…keep writing, rapping and being amazing. Know that people do care and that there will always be someone there who will listen and never judge.


    Liked by 2 people

      1. Nina, it was not a rant but a genuine reflection of your day to day struggles, worries and concerns. I think you underestimate just how far you have come.

        Try taking one day at a time. Ensure that you meet your basic requirements for things like food, love, shelter, safety and general health. Anything else is a bonus. I always work on the basis of having quite little goals that build to something a tad larger. That way, I’m not overwhelmed with too much of any one thing. Feel free to keep on expressing yourself. This is your voice.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. What you are going through is really really tough. I want to let you know that you are not alone in such experiences. For what it is worth from an internet stranger named Ted: Hang in There! take care…


    1. It’s all good Ted, what is good if there weren’t bad. I just kicked some rhymes on camera, about to post it and you can see I’m alright, I’m good. Yeah the struggle is a struggle but it’s a beautiful struggle. Yin and Yang . The Tao of our being.
      Much love Ted.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Great! I suppose it is true that one has to go through a nightmarish hell to understand and appreciate the calm blissful times in life. All the cliches, what does not kill you makes you stronger, and only sweat the big stuff, the big stuff is only death, so if you aren’t dead, then no sweat..Gonna check out your rhymes now.


  3. Although easier said then done, concentrate on the positive. Keep a gratitude journal, and whenever you feel yourself drifting over to the dark side. Open it up.

    I am honored you are following justkeepingitREAL. It warms my heart to know you will be visiting me.

    Have a great day Nina!


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