Waking Up at 3 Am. About me & Journaling

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Melancholy mood as I wonder why I get up so early, I was in a deep and dreamy sleep. I’m happy to be up and alive but… Dysphoria has come back into my life lately which is very odd for me. For those who don’t know “dysphoria” it is basically meaning I’m not seeing the girl I usually see in the mirror. It’s like, not recognizing her. That’s not me… it’s dysphoria about gender. And it’s painful. Counting my burdens and my blessings.

My moods are slowly stabilizing since I’m back on my anxiety meditation as of two days ago which is great but I’m still not feeling 100%. I wish it were as simple as simply snapping out of a negative mind state or taking a pill, but that’s rarely the case for people with mood disorders and anxiety such as myself. Plus the dysphoria thing… Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for the most part yesterday and this morning but there’s a swing of moods that I can’t dodge forever.

I’m hoping to conquer these issues one way or another and one step at a time. I’m still sober, around 90 days, I’m not having problems budgeting my money and I’m almost finished my probational period for the graffiti charges following me for the last year and a half. I have an amazing partner who’s helping me with all of this and encouraging me to channel my creativity. Also rebuilding a relationship with my family as I wasn’t the easiest child; having bipolar disorder and substance issues, my family are happy to see me doing so well in these aspects.

Thinking of buying a new laptop soon because I’m a very creative, visual and musical soul. This tablet just isn’t cutting it.

Much love:

Nina

4 thoughts on “Waking Up at 3 Am. About me & Journaling”

  1. Nina, this is wonderful news. I’m so so happy that you are making progress, however small. Keep up with the little steps and remember that you are an amazing individual with much to offer.

    I can totally understand the dysphoria and know how disconcerting this can be…let’s hope it is short lived. On days like these, cover the mirrors, be creative and channel your energies elsewhere.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Annie, one step at a time right? 🙂 I’m doing better but recovering is a process, hope you’re good as well. The sunshine really brightened my yesterday, which brings me to today; new hope and opportunity.
      Hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Nina, it’s always one step at a time. You’re amazing and inspirational.

        I’m ok thank you but had a long sleep this afternoon after a heavy lifting session and the tell tale signs of sorethroatitis. Always hope and endless possibilities. x

        Liked by 1 person

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