The Saga Of Nina. Estrogen Emotional Riding

Pushing 100 days sober and struggling daily is the norm; composure is hard to hold for me. Im not the type to complain so I’ll just say I’m proud of myself for conquering these days and coming out on top. But I cried yesterday. I cried myself to sleep; over the last 6 months I have been a lot, doing a lot of crying; perhaps I had not realized that estrogen would leave me so emotionally vunerable. One day is amazing and then one day is terrible. I woke up this morning and threw up, no idea why… I’m quite delicate… needy… I cried myself to sleep because I could only see negative and its hard to pull your mind out of the gutter, it really is. I worked very hard all day to keep my mind state positive but eventually it cracked. It feels amazing though; to wake up… and have another day to try again.

Although yesterday was painful; I definitely experienced a spiritual awakening, it felt empowering and liberating. A feeling that anything I want to do is possible and that I have the power inside me to bring a little more compassion into the world, to myself, my family and eventually the world… As you read this I want you to know that you have this power inside you as well.

What do I want to do today? This is important to me: Another day to try again!  If it involves my girlfriend, sunshine or skateboarding I think I would be content. No, I would be estatic. My girl is asleep in the next room n I just wished she was up to start this day. Codependant indeed… I miss her even when she’s here; its hard to explain… I crave her touch, her eyes and her smile, her words and to just be in her essence and when she is literally gone its often a struggle. She changed my life in ways words cannot express and still, love is hard. Also extremely hard to uh… explain … I love her.

Thinking of the near future and my inner buddha vandal: I have a bunch of aerosol cans: Pink, black and white and I’m definitely going to be painting something soon; I have a wall in mind… Flowers.

Nina

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “The Saga Of Nina. Estrogen Emotional Riding”

  1. It will be a rollercoaster and you can ride it and use it to your advantage. To appreciate the good, then there must be an element of the opposite, in order to truly appreciate it for what it is. You are not alone. Knowing that it will pass is often what will get you through to the next day. Please be kind to yourself. Sleep will be your friend. Get outside if possible, even if only briefly, lie on the floor and look up at the sky, make pictures out of the clouds and if it rains, still lie on the floor and try to count the raindrops. If all else fails, do a handstand and try not to laugh… at least your skin will remain mostly up as when age creeps up on you, this might not be the case. Little steps and you are doing great. Much love, Nina x

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