Through the shrouded memories I take glimpses of my memories on earth; in this city I call home, it feels sometimes like I have seen it and been through it all. Even as 2 genders, a straight male, a lesbian. From a young boy to a grown woman; it is beautiful in my own eyes. My addiction to change was constant; I went from a high school drop out to a graduated mental health worker with some of the highest marks in my class. From a drug dealer to a volunteer in many of the cities outreach facilities. From a sexual exhibitionist to a faithful monogamous relationship with my present girlfriend. I was homeless countless times since the age of 15. In and out of the court system since as early as 13…
One of my first charges: possession of a controlled substance with intent to traffic. I’m a genderqueer rap artist and poet who when I was younger would never dream of going on Facebook, yet I later used it to exploit my body for the sheer rush and mass attention and exhibitionism. Never would have I ever dreamed of getting in front of a camera back in the day but now my YouTube has 111 subscribers 88 videos that I’ve produced and over 15 000 views…
Where am I going now? I feel as though I left the streets behind me… yet 4 months ago I lived in a shelter downtown. Sometimes I miss it, I really do. Many people have seen my transition as something powerful to uplift myself and other trans girls. Yet I’ve been attacked in the streets for it and harassed on many levels. I was liberated as a woman but was alluring myself towards being a working girl. Yin and yang of this life is baffling.
I thought everything in my life would stay the same. I’ve lost almost all of my personal friends. The kids I used to kick it with are long gone from my life. I’ve tried to stay in touch but maybe I’ve burned all my bridges through crime and substance, a reputation for disaster. Yet now I am… so different . It’s painful losing touch with people you considered brothers and sisters. But I have bipolar and in the blink of an eye my whole persona can switch along with a long list of social backfires that go back more years than I can think of… I was a bully in elementary school, I’m so ashamed of that and a gang mentality kid in high school, kind of ashamed at what I would do for dough; being shuffled rigorously through the system for my behavior. So the people I grew up with… I’m guessing have absolutely no trust in me and I don’t blame them.
I’ve moved on and transitioned, moved over and over again through all corners of the city. By now I’ve tried nearly every drug; having overdosed my first time trying heroin but no drug has had me addicted except the eversoavailable alcohol. I used it to treat social anxiety, personal anxiety, anxiety relating to my gender… I’m sitting in the doctors office, a transgender clinic downtown and oh so far I’ve come from an ignorant punk kid. Although the kid is still in me I use that part of me wisely; for creativity, curiosity. I don’t truly ever feel like I’m growing up but I guess that I am. How strange a thought… Have I stopped to smell the flowers?
From living in million dollar spots to sleeping on the bug rat infested floors of the projects in Chinatown or from the courtyard boxer fighting and training, smoking weed with my homies to the girl who stays home reading and reciting poetry. From the boy being abused by his girlfriend to the girl finally finding the true love she’s been looking for…
Maybe the Constance of change is the flowers. Seeing the world from all perspectives. Maybe I’m just well cultured… rather than an all over the place psychopath I’m actually someone you go to for another view of things. I’ve found peace in a cold jail cell and hell in luxury apartments on the ocean. It’s funny the way things work. You think you want something so bad you’d die for it. Something changes and you never wanted or needed it in the first place. What do I need now? I want to regain control, I want to empower myself to change my world first and then the world around me. I feel extremely lucky to be alive and I don’t want to take that for granted. I don’t want to take anything for granted, life is so precious and too short to waste. Where the fuck do I go from here? I’m so found yet still so lost… as I ride the train; city screaming by me. ..
I ask myself.
Where am I going this time?