Morning; constellations still active in the sky :520 AM January 22nd. In solitude I write, far too early in the morning. Why do I always wake up this early?
Zen cleaning every morning : basically meaning cleaning but to me I find it also to be a spiritual process.
I was homeless for about 4 months in Vancouver BC, before moving into this suite on January first 2016.
I treat my home as a zendo and also a Buddhist temple for me to study my books and work on art.
I’m going to attempt to write more about myself, which is weird for me.
About me and my life.
Part 1. Feb 1 2016
I was always different for sure. Too much too handle for pretty much anyone I grew up with, became friends with or had relationships with. I was kicked out of home at a young age, bipolar disorder and an addictive personality: constantly lit or trying to get high or drugged out and party…being homeless and running the streets with kid gangs basically. Doing petty crimes and shit it was stupid. I’ve changed a lot.
Being transgender only started to blossom when I turned 18, living in a crack shack that the government called a “group home”. Starting to dress how I wanted to …I liked getting drunk, a lot. I’ve always had hobbies and passions but mixing em up with drugs and alcohol was deemed necessary on a daily basis. I also thought drinking was giving me the courage to dress how I wanted.
I’ve been in a few abusive relationships, somehow managing to graduate college and various courses that peaked my interest. When I worked construction it was like selling my feminine soul and I hated myself for it for over 7 years. But nevertheless at 25 I started hormones and transitioned into myself; female full time. I have zero regrets. I have no doubt in my mind of who I am and the choice I made was right.
Since I transitioned Ive had several jobs, schools and was never really targeted for being a trans woman. But I had been partying for a living… for a year…the drugs twisted my mind. I met my girlfriend online, she helped me get out of the trap. She encourages me to peruse any art, job or school I like and I’m happy. Sober. In Love. I can’t get enough and it’s like I’m comfortable for the first time you know?
Dedicated to my girl.
My life pt 2….
I can’t believe I’m mustering up to write some sort of bio. Feels fucking weird….
I think writing about yourself in depth; story form, is kind of… narcissistic. But I’m a hip hop artist so perhaps I’ve already gone there… *laughs out loud*
I could remember starting up rap battling ciphers in elementary school. On the school field, upscale neighborhood acting tough with no account and if you weren’t droppings rhymes you didn’t have privilege so bounce! (I still got it lol).
I had a girlfriend in elementary school that could pass for 22… Far more grown up than I was, it’s like she took me under her wing. I was standing hardly 5’2 with the most gorgeous girl in school. I loved her but our relationship was a fool 😉 . Ing* around time flies when your high as a kite tripping with her every night, eventually we both moved on. She went off to a private school…. lost touch completely.
Meanwhile I bounced around high school public educational facilities like it was a special ability. I learned so much!!!!! How to fight, hustle, party, skate, play ball, joyride, go bombing (paint graffiti), know my way around a city of 4 million like the back of my hand…..amoung many other things that went hand in hand with blunts, coronas, and tequila.
I managed to not get involved with crack or guns, meth and heroin. Although I often spent time in what is often referred to as the world’s largest open drug market. Now looking back… I’ve lost a lot of friends to this city and I cry about it quite often.
I can’t write anymore right now.
I’m a graffiti artist. On something like my 5th strike, spending a lot of time in court and sometimes jail but, I love being a graffiti writer, not really ashamed of it nor proud. It’s just something I have to do. I dream about graffiti endlessly and it’s been this way for a long time.
I also love writing. Whether it’s poetry, lyrics, articles, my thoughts about being transgender and transitioning, comedy. Journaling or plain jibberishh, writing is a great outlet for me to build and explore; usually my spiritual side but not always.
I don’t really call myself a rap artist but I suppose that I am and you can find it on YouTube : InnaShadeMusic. It almost works as a piece of my bio, showing the many people shapes and forms I’ve grown and evolved from. I do have a passion for filming and school; attending many film classes around the city and graduate studies of mental health.
When it’s all said and done, I’m just an artist.
Getting a little used to writing about myself now…
I am a self taught and self proclaimed Zen Buddhist and I’m not sure how to explain that; but it is who I am and how I like to see myself. I see Buddhism in a way different from anything I’ve ever encountered and I like to instill that aspect in my work as a blogger as much as possible.
Being transgender isn’t a huge aspect of my blogging perhaps that’s a good thing, although I would really like to instill hope and inspiration to other trans readers. I look for other trans bloggers which has been cool but it would be nice to have more in my reader to be quite honest. I love everyone and even moreso for any oppressed population.
I love reading others poetry on my feed, sometimes seeing reflections of myself or something of great value: a learning experience. I seek out artists and writers, activists and poets, filmmakers and photographers…any art can inspire me so continue that list with your positive imagination. I wish the world was more artistic and less materialistic. I find a mass amount of it in society and we should all try to change this…