Journal Nov 4 2023

Good morning world. This morning I’m pretty tired. Decided to start my day at 2:30 am but I’m glad I did because I’m here now. Dear GOD how Ive missed this outlet. I am back but I dont know where to begin… Ive had my serious struggles staying sober but today I arise clean and over a year clean and sober… Trying to return to WordPress… I’m always at crossroads in life and theres no way to explain what I have been going through the past several years in one post, ups and downs… friendships and endings, beautiful things… painful things. But yeah… Regardless I am Sober… Sober is good. Good morning world!

Today I type from the heart of downtown Vancity; My home and has always been. It is pouring rain which is always my favorite weather; so peaceful… Just darkness… and quiet at 5:30 am on a Saturday morning. I dont got much to do today but kick it. My life is fairly simple these days. Routines that keep me sane. Wait a minute sane? Who am I kidding! I’m not working… Not hustling… Just gliding by through these days and times. Definitely not sane though lol…

I have been trying to stay up on my graffiti and other art that I post on Instagram but now maybe I’ll begin posting it here again… I love art, expression. And will always be a part of my life no matter the medium or app I use to share with the world. Am I taking it as serious as I should though? Probably not. Please Creator let me find my passion and inspiration again. Help me find my joy and peace. Art is my peace…

Welcome me back if you guys remember me…

An about me moment…

For those who don’t know me… Im 31 years old

Im a trans girl. Living in Vancouver Canada

And my name. Is Nina.

I believe in the dhamma of Budda.

My story is too complex to tell, or… perhaps is now is not the time but maybe one day I’ll be able to share with you my all…. but for now my poetry will have to do.

Some of the things that I can tell you however… I most certainly will… I still have a love for hip hop www.youtube.com/user/innashademusic

I have done a couple little things in the past few months but nothing serious

Poetry which you will always find here I have no other place for it…

I do some modeling and art on Instagram:

www.instagram.com/suspectnina

And if you truly desire to befriend me my facebook link is

https://www.facebook.com/nina.cassie.vestergaard

Today as the rain pours in my city wordpress is a refuge from the cold and damp of a city half boarded up and covered in street art. I had recently left town and when I finally returned looking over Vancouver I remember why I love this place so much. Its a magic place…

I love Vancouver street photography…. One of my friends takes a lot I wonder if he has a website… Uno momento… Found it!

https://www.instagram.com/aspiringmedia/

Oh heres one more….

More of a Vancouver Graffiti link… Im obsessed with graff and streetart and this guy takes (the best shots)

https://www.instagram.com/craige13/?hl=en

Since I transitioned many years ago my life has substancially improved. Although I end up moving from place to place I am always in balance with what it is to live in such a way. Every good and bad… simply another opportunity. It is what it is.

I came here to rant a little about myself and I think thats good for now.

Thanks for stopping by!

 

About me. A return

Its been a very long time since I have been away from WordPress. Id like to come back to this and reintroduce myself. My name is Nina and I’m 31 years old. Im a Buddhist, a step mother, an artist and a trans woman. I started this blog while living in a homeless shelter many years ago and I can remember walking across the street to the coffee shop to do my daily blogging every morning. I had originally thought i would simply write about living on the streets, but. It became much more than that.

Im returning now as many things have changed. I got married and am looking after a young one. I am sober. For the first time in my life. Something like 8 or 9 months. It has been easy but it hasn’t. I am very thankful for this morning; an opportunity to speak and place another step on this path. The path of buddha, sobriety, motherhood, art and most importantly love.

Im not sure where to begin but I suppose I already have. So since I have been gone; budhism has truly become my path. I have realized there is no place for alcohol in a buddhist. I see the dhamma now as the only path to be on. I am also a visual artist. A graffiti writer and painter. I am shocked and happy to say that art is my profession yet am still but what you would call the starving artist. But I am happy.

Sobriety was taken away from me by the age of 13. So 17 years of usage which is more than half of my life and pretty much the entirety of my adult life. I have found new ways to enjoy life, to cope with pain and anxiety. As i write i feel like the lotus blooming from the mud.

Hello everyone. Im here again. Im back

Love Nina

New… About me

Through my weary eyes, I type. It is 5 am as the sun begins to rise on my side of this planet. My wife lay asleep while candles flicker throughout the house. Traditional Japanese music softly plays from the television. I don’t know why I’m writing but I do it regardless.

It’s been a very long time since I have been blogging and a lot has changed. I’m married with a step son now. And I’m sober for the first time in my life. To be honest I’ve never felt better. I am on a path; this path is beautiful.

And as I write the sun continues to rise and the music continues to play and time is slipping away into next and the best thing I can do is simply view it.

I’ve always counted my blessings. Abundant. Thankful.

There’s too much beauty in this world to waste any time in my personal opinion. So I practice love. Through various ways and means. I’ve been working very hard to better myself for my self. It’s working as my self doubt is exhaled into nothingness. Leaving me with nothing but peace.

On one; while willy two’d the three.

Imma easter tweakin rabbit;

wit a knitted wicker basket filled with easter egg licorice hashish;

bouncin up the aves wit it;

towerin empowerin steppin on leprechauns;

weapons drawn pointed at the annointed;

joint lit so tell me what the heck you on;

im on one; while willy two’d three;

swinging a jewly piece;

the rhymes like tom.

Foolery.

 

Nina

Smile note.

I will love n smile when the rain begins to fall

And then I will love when the sun begins to shine

I’m going to appreciate that which is beautiful and simple

Like this moment as I type; And sip my warm coffee

Thankful to be alive and breathing

I don’t write to gain; but perhaps learn about myself and…

Just to be happy for that moment; look back at it and smile again

We don’t have time to fret; life is simply too short

So I am here; smiling for no particular reason

But it does

Boost endorphins.

Just a smiley note for day

Yum.

XO.

-Nina

The Face Behind The Poetry n SHiT. Goodnightnina*

This is my dumb-azz taking pictures of myself. A perhaps overly proud trans girl. A poet and an artist but who the f*ck isn’t these days? Right now I’m typing off of a hoop-tie  of a macbook but it does the trick… trick.

So another about me post. Thinking* This is stupid but anyways… Why do I write? Two huge influential women is why…My mom got me a book about 5 years ago called “The Artists Way” by Julia Cameron and “This book” is designed to ignite your creative side on a daily basis. And one of the instructions on this book is SIMPLY WRITING. As soon as you wake up; you write. It doesn’t matter what it is. Just wake up and write… And the other influential woman was my media art teacher Kat Thorsen; Kat Thorsen works wonders in the community and Ive seen her do it over and over and over again… If your reading this we all love ya Kat. Saving peoples lives n everything…

I am hardly someone to be writing “about me” posts because I am not touted as that girl making an impact in the world… like at all… I write this an about me post hoping that you write an about me post because… We are reading your work; you impact our lives. Funny because I don’t think I impact anyones life hahaha…But I try and do so anyways through various mediums. It really doesn’t matter if you’re acknowledged or not; its how you look back. Saying you did that. Then sitting here like I am now… Saying “what next?” Be proud and be yourself….

Whats next. Im just gonna hit publish; like fuck it.

Nina

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Against all odds) Just be happy anyways!

Why did I title this… against all odds? Happiness? Well..For months and months Ive been battling health issues. I spent over a month being dehydrated and extremely light headed (fainting occasionally) and I “FINALLY” conquered that issue recently. It was preventing me from getting work and I was exited for it to be over. BUT Week or Two later… I began throwing up every morning uncontrollably…  Its like morning sickness but Im sadly not pregnant…This has persisted for over a month now as well and we still aren’t really sure what is causing me to be so sick this time, the medication they gave me doesn’t seem to be working… But whatever y’know? Against all odds Imma Just Do Me and BE HAPPY.

I can’t let this sh–t drag me down; I will do whatever I got to do to get through this! and do it happily along the way, hehehe… Peace to all of my followers! and all the people I follow! So much respect to my fellow bloggers, you definitely without knowing it have helped me through these times haha… I don’t like to do any : ANY complaining blog posts. No thats not my style at all. This is a post about positivity and striving to do your best when things are trying to drag you down.

I love my girlfriend (my muse) lol, love her very much and my extremely  supportive parents  and I know they all want to see me doing well and being happy. I hope I make em proud… I celebrate 3 years on hormone replacement therapy ;So thats three years of my life I am extremely EXTREMELY thankful for; its been amazing. No doubt; amazing. Came a long way from last year itself. And yeah… Thats about it for the thankful rant…

Peace everyone. Stay happy, positive and strive on. (Through all obstacles)

-Nina

She carries a mask.

My nickname is Shade

And I carry with me; many sides.

Growing up they diagnosed me as many things.

They said I was attention deficit. They said I was oppositional defiant They said I was bipolarThey said I was scitzophrenic

And now I am being treated for borderline personality disorder

Its true that I carry these faces and sides like masks hidden beneath the surface. How fitting.

My nickname is shade.

My scitzo effective side terrifies me. My bipolar side is attracted to danger and substance. I am naturally defiant. I am often hyper-active… And they say I am one with borderline personality disorder.

They say that someone with borderline personality disorder can be dangerous. Because we tend to snap in an instant. For me in some cases this is true…

In one instance; stopped by police I pulled my weapon on them! I snapped. Luckily I was not shot…

Where am I going with this….

I carry these faces and sides.

They hide beneath and hide below.

Where did they come from? I do not know…

They hide until the perfect moment.

Things I cannot control.

 

-Nina

 

 

 

Art Installation; Nina : Raven and Chief. UBC Aboriginal Law Clinic