Tag Archives: Bipolar

Schematics.

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I could map the schematics of my psychotic mind

They are highways to “The High Way”.

Alleyways to the gutter.

Left and right is up and down

And I’m never coming down unfortunately

I look down and the only down is death

Climbing the barbed wire fence to the other side

Pain and suffering is life; we all do know

Simply row that boat

So gently down the stream

I am the lost one; always have been

Cause life is but a dream.

 

-Nina

RhYmETHeRaPY .NoT QUITE pSYCHOenOugh.

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IFIMNOTQUITE PSYCHOENOUGH

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WishINI wasCrAZier Than I am NOW

It’D be More Profound iF i Silenced the sound…

After the rounds rained n ANnounced My Style

Hopefully I wouldn’t go down the DarKER path and nod out

Go all out; fall off; fall out; ON CLOUT.

Demount reality and call out.

Im fuckin here NoW

Yeah its fucking weird now

Maybe I’d be an EyeCon with what I’m on

I know I’m TNEREFFID you can see it with the lights off

Im mad / myself for being mad /myself

Why my whole life; I dig a hole right

Where my soul right?

My soles are holes from walking the road I…

I know that ain’t right; just killing me in HindzsightZ

Get my mind right by loosening the screw$

S-hits too tight-

and the timing for losing my mind

Was Juuuuust Right.

But if I was more loco I’d know more-so the deeper the door goes

Open it up…

Then I wouldn’t be mad at myself; simply just mad; myself

I’d fight viciously and live vicariously promiscuously

Winking she*

And obliviously write on the walls of history

Maybe I’d be that myth n that mystery that sets me free

I could be anyone and anything and when its ALL SAID AND DONE

Maybe they’d remember me

As a brave soul; a soldier went an awal for a great good

If I could be a better me than I wouldn’t have a name

Just an entity that recipes the next belief

Sets me free and I can R.I.P.

In the gutter where my mind

Has always been.

 

Nina

She carries a mask.

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My nickname is Shade

And I carry with me; many sides.

Growing up they diagnosed me as many things.

They said I was attention deficit. They said I was oppositional defiant They said I was bipolarThey said I was scitzophrenic

And now I am being treated for borderline personality disorder

Its true that I carry these faces and sides like masks hidden beneath the surface. How fitting.

My nickname is shade.

My scitzo effective side terrifies me. My bipolar side is attracted to danger and substance. I am naturally defiant. I am often hyper-active… And they say I am one with borderline personality disorder.

They say that someone with borderline personality disorder can be dangerous. Because we tend to snap in an instant. For me in some cases this is true…

In one instance; stopped by police I pulled my weapon on them! I snapped. Luckily I was not shot…

Where am I going with this….

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I carry these faces and sides.

They hide beneath and hide below.

Where did they come from? I do not know…

They hide until the perfect moment.

Things I cannot control.

 

-Nina

 

 

 

I must admit – Nina

I must admit;

I’m terrified of the present and past tense

Medicinal rations get me past it.

Until my luck runs out;

Screaming I Wont come down!

My bad days are so bad that my good days are so good that I get a…

Rush; So I’m climbing up.

This aint so rough, but.

The hardest part is the way down they said…

I dont dread. IT. NOT A BIT.

Just chillin’ on this mountain top lit…

And I must admit.

Its real nice up here.

Looking down at my next nightmare.

-Nina

Journaling n Soaking it in… -Nina

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Bipolar anxiety wooped my ass for about 4 days but then when it ends… it’s always like being reborn coming out of it. “Just keep it movin’! So… I drew a self portrait this morning which I posted, in drawing I definitely started my day off on the right track. They say drawing oneself repetitively can drive an artist insane so I dont think I’ll obsess over doing these but hey… I think it looks wonderful.

The sun resurfaced once again controlled the city. It twas a beautiful day and I’m feeling extremely blessed. My girl and I lounged in the sun for most of the day and then went for a wonderful walk; its finally hot enough to wear a skirt. Yassss. I got J Dilla the Donuts album playing in the background right now just blissfully and almost euphorically typing away; its amazing what the hot sunshine will do to ones soul.

Im not really worried about much right now; coffee is brewing and the sun is starting to set over the ocean on the other side of the city. I watch as it trickles away into trees, buildings and shimmering clouds. This truly is a beautiful city, full of beautiful people, places and its just… where I need to be.

So thankful.

-Nina

 

Thank you for the support. And always keep it movin’.

The stress of being a trans girl and manic depressive is sometimes overwhelming but I feel as though I always come out on top. Sure I have my days of dysphoria or anxiety to the point of panic attacks and teardrops. But I also have days that I conquer the world; constantly doing things I didn’t think I could do and have never done before. Few months ago I was living in the streets and not knowing what was going to happen;  and that didn’t even bother me so much in the cold of winter, I just knew I was safe, and I was too strong to let it take me over. Being in the homeless shelter didn’t even make me flinch. Now I’m living in a beautiful spot and STILL sober. STILL not slummin’ my life away for the fuck of it. Honestly… You got to just keep it movin’.

I used to use every excuse in the book to pick up bottles and self indulge in anything and everything self indulgence means…

When we have our bad days we aught to use them even more wisely than the good days. Some of my best writing, art and videos are from the worst moments in my life. You can use your pain as power. When you do shit you’re afraid of doing just cause you can it brings you to a whole new place. When my girlfriend helped release me from many shells I was hiding in; I was again reborn. Always being reborn. She’s the world to me and I couldn’t do it on my own. And the streets showed me that I’m part of something bigger than just myself and my life. I’ve been told that I inspire people; I dont know how much of an inspiration I can be but I guess that I am truly trying, so thank you to everyone showing me support.

It truly means the world.

Nina

The Saga Of Nina. Estrogen Emotional Riding

Pushing 100 days sober and struggling daily is the norm; composure is hard to hold for me. Im not the type to complain so I’ll just say I’m proud of myself for conquering these days and coming out on top. But I cried yesterday. I cried myself to sleep; over the last 6 months I have been a lot, doing a lot of crying; perhaps I had not realized that estrogen would leave me so emotionally vunerable. One day is amazing and then one day is terrible. I woke up this morning and threw up, no idea why… I’m quite delicate… needy… I cried myself to sleep because I could only see negative and its hard to pull your mind out of the gutter, it really is. I worked very hard all day to keep my mind state positive but eventually it cracked. It feels amazing though; to wake up… and have another day to try again.

Although yesterday was painful; I definitely experienced a spiritual awakening, it felt empowering and liberating. A feeling that anything I want to do is possible and that I have the power inside me to bring a little more compassion into the world, to myself, my family and eventually the world… As you read this I want you to know that you have this power inside you as well.

What do I want to do today? This is important to me: Another day to try again!  If it involves my girlfriend, sunshine or skateboarding I think I would be content. No, I would be estatic. My girl is asleep in the next room n I just wished she was up to start this day. Codependant indeed… I miss her even when she’s here; its hard to explain… I crave her touch, her eyes and her smile, her words and to just be in her essence and when she is literally gone its often a struggle. She changed my life in ways words cannot express and still, love is hard. Also extremely hard to uh… explain … I love her.

Thinking of the near future and my inner buddha vandal: I have a bunch of aerosol cans: Pink, black and white and I’m definitely going to be painting something soon; I have a wall in mind… Flowers.

Nina