Tag Archives: Depression

Smile note.

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I will love n smile when the rain begins to fall

And then I will love when the sun begins to shine

I’m going to appreciate that which is beautiful and simple

Like this moment as I type; And sip my warm coffee

Thankful to be alive and breathing

I don’t write to gain; but perhaps learn about myself and…

Just to be happy for that moment; look back at it and smile again

We don’t have time to fret; life is simply too short

So I am here; smiling for no particular reason

But it does

Boost endorphins.

Just a smiley note for day

Yum.

XO.

-Nina

Sadness. (Old Poem)

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Bout to make a journal entry. About what? A little empty.

But; Glorious Rainfall 6 AM.

I’m sorry, I’m sick and picked up pen.

My little abyss playpen oblivion I Stay In…

I think that I need to make some serious life decisions…

I am getting a sickness…

I’m an extroverted raven living in a turtle shell under a rock…

Rock and a hard place.

This is too hard on me.

I don’t want this to be a complaining rant, thats not who I am. but Wait…

This isn’t who I am…

I must be doing something wrong then. I’m not that.

Inside and out I am the outgoing smiling eyes always up for surprise, slide around the city laughing until my demise.

People can see me and think vicariously as: “I” the most oblivious one, create, deviate fate I hate to say this but my “Life” Awaits!

I just can’t wait. Its bad for my health.

This isn’t about sex or wealth.

Shit, maybe it is…

I kind of hate myself.

Not because I don’t love you.

Because I do love you.

But fast life was quite surreal.

But I do kind of hate myself.

For bringing this on us. On myself.

Onward or forward ,please! if you would just step with me I’d chill. For real!

But like my old poem; it’s like going nowhere fast, present is my past.

Because I’m lonely. Wishing you were at home with me.

Sitting here waiting for my phone to ring…

I’m just sad.

 

Nina

She can’t give up…

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She won’t …

Beaten as the path we all walk till our deaths

Beaten bruised tattered and torn

Yet…

She is the fiery storm;

The fiery storm she fears the more than anything

Yet she won’t give up

She walks… and walks…

Alone in solitude

She veils herself like an ancient goddess

Hidden amongst shadows

Why wouldn’t she be?

On planet corrupted with dark clouds?

One must be protected but

The rain pours and drips down…

Alone, cold, damp and dark

Reflections of it all beaming upward

At her face looking sadly down

Dreary gloom…

Her feet place upon them;

Cascading the lights and reflective glow

Lights of dreams always forever flicker and move amongst the rain

She keeps walking

She has to go…

The wake of her forgotten smile is somewhere

So she searches for it

Until time ceases to exist

She can’t give up.

She won’t…

Walking on the beaten path we all walk

Till death.

-Nina

Depression/Anxiety/Bipolar? Relapse? Fuck that.-Checking in with Nina

Outside it is pouring a warm rain, I’ve left the door wide open, just listening. Drinking my coffee wishing I had slept in but that’s never the case for me. The rain is beautiful and calming and I know warm weather is coming soon and I desperately need it, Sun and exploration. I have a Canon rebel hoping to be out doing street photography shoots and skate videos. Walking the city and hiking the mountains. I know. Good times are coming.

I’m still enjoying my transition; I shouldn’t even call it that because I feel complete. Instead: I’m enjoying life as a woman. I don’t have dysphoria for the most part. Sometimes I don’t even wear makeup and simply rely on my natural beauty; which feels good. I love shopping and building a never-ending wardrobe, I love doing my makeup and picking my outfits or wearing the intimate types for me or my girlfriend and my life is a thousand times better this way.

I’m climbing out of my depressive state; slowly but surely. Taking my blog seriously and taking life seriously around 100 days sober. It’s taken some getting used to coming from using my whole life and recently living in the the shelter to my beautiful home and completely sober but I’m extremely hopeful for the future; letting go of destructive uses of time and onto the constructive… I’m supposed to be tapering down my anxiety meditation but I might have to tell my doctor that I’m actually not ready for that. The thought of battling it without meditation is just… ugh. My anxiety still has a firm grip on me basically; not for any particular reason, it’s just my bipolar.

So basically I’m just overcoming, striving to be better than I was yesterday and holding onto the positives that keep me going. Extremely blessed and lucky: to be alive, to be with my love, having a home and infinite opportunities to grasp and work with. As for anxiety/depression/bipolar, I’m just going to take control of my life and ride the shit out. I’ve been through way too much in this life to let that shit control me. Fuck that.

Nina

Waking Up at 3 Am. About me & Journaling

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Melancholy mood as I wonder why I get up so early, I was in a deep and dreamy sleep. I’m happy to be up and alive but… Dysphoria has come back into my life lately which is very odd for me. For those who don’t know “dysphoria” it is basically meaning I’m not seeing the girl I usually see in the mirror. It’s like, not recognizing her. That’s not me… it’s dysphoria about gender. And it’s painful. Counting my burdens and my blessings.

My moods are slowly stabilizing since I’m back on my anxiety meditation as of two days ago which is great but I’m still not feeling 100%. I wish it were as simple as simply snapping out of a negative mind state or taking a pill, but that’s rarely the case for people with mood disorders and anxiety such as myself. Plus the dysphoria thing… Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for the most part yesterday and this morning but there’s a swing of moods that I can’t dodge forever.

I’m hoping to conquer these issues one way or another and one step at a time. I’m still sober, around 90 days, I’m not having problems budgeting my money and I’m almost finished my probational period for the graffiti charges following me for the last year and a half. I have an amazing partner who’s helping me with all of this and encouraging me to channel my creativity. Also rebuilding a relationship with my family as I wasn’t the easiest child; having bipolar disorder and substance issues, my family are happy to see me doing so well in these aspects.

Thinking of buying a new laptop soon because I’m a very creative, visual and musical soul. This tablet just isn’t cutting it.

Much love:

Nina

Me: Battling Depression and Anxiety and Withdrawals

Oh my, how have I even come this far? Days sober somewhere around: 85-90 (farthest I’ve ever come) and off the streets now; had been living in shelters during our freezing winter for months, but now in my dream home… wow, what a difference.

But it’s still not easy; I have angry spells and crying spells, terrible and painful anxiety with multiple trips to doctors and hospitals every month. I can have good spells lasting up to a week or two and then I come crashing down one way… or another. I made a mistake of going off of a hormone meditation without consulting a doctor; that was a very bad idea, especially planning to quit my anxiety meds at the same time. I would cry for no particular reason..  for almost a week, popping the anxiety meds like candy trying to calm down, when I’m supposed to be tapering off them and just balling my eyes out and having no idea why, I don’t know if I have ever cried that much….

… I thought I had depression and was even getting a little suicidal so I ended up talking with a nurse over the phone and she told me that it was actually withdrawals from the medication I was experiencing. Now that’s over! thank god! But that being said I’m still left with anxiety… painful and a bit of depression or maybe not depression maybe just frustration, frustration with myself… I’m not sure. The anxiety is some scary shit though, like painful to the mind and body…and I’m hoping someday soon to really really get it under control.

Onto my current situation…  So I’m out of anxiety meditation now. Sigh* All because of my idiotic withdrawal pill popping episode and am thinking of trying to go without them for 5 days before seeing my doctor, it’s a little scary to think about but I’m tired of begging doctors for pills to keep me stable. I have mood stabilizers I plan to thoroughly pump into my body for these next 5 days to scapegoat anxiety and a trip to a doctor or hospital. They make you very tired and very hungry and in my personal opinion… a little stupid. Also, I’m not so sure they are really going to prevent anxiety attacks, but I know they will help… a little…

The positive aspects of life help and there are so many: My transition going well and my partner staying by my side through it all; to my home and my sobriety and my art and writing or… staying fit and eating healthy… Meditation and conquering all my issues day by day. Those things help me as to not give up. I’ve been close to the edge my whole life and I think that I am backing away now. Backing away into safety; into a new and wonderful life.

And I’m thankful for that.

Just got to hold it down, 5 days…

Nina

Where does pain abide? – Nina

 

tumblr_n2howaAtRL1smyby2o1_500.jpgI do not know who where what and why this pain has arrived.

Rambling ranting spoiled brat gallavanting… sighing and deeps breaths eyes watering

with tearful eyes fitted rage of ingrained sorrow for today tomorrow and yesterday

Mindful mind racing placing her hands over her face full of hate disgracing herself a mess of stress,

feeling down n out a useless clueless user with maneuvers; non existent n something missing…

missing her lover n missing life, missing out just pissing away time

more crying and sobbing head throbbing bobbing and weaving hurtful truths

self abuse like a tightened noose trying to break loose, still wondering, from where?

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I was about to cry; Then I felt the universe. -Nina

Sitting alone it’s pitch black before the dawn.

Stars in the sky.

I have had my issues with depression, the weight of the universe making me about to make me cry.

“No Nina,”.

It’s not the weight upon you; causing this sensation…

it is the energy trying to flow through you.

This world is moving and flowing at unimaginable rates and molecular mathematics.

I let the energies of it all flow through me; it takes but a millisecond to feel it.

Like a river.

Flow through my body and take all my pain away.

To literally feel time, space and matter for just that one moment.

Do not fight the flow of the raging river was a Zen tale I always enjoyed, perhaps it applies in all moments.

This flowing universe ; we live amongst the endless stars.

Stop to feel it,

If you need to.

 

-Nina