Tag Archives: Depression

Me: Battling Depression and Anxiety and Withdrawals

Oh my, how have I even come this far? Days sober somewhere around: 85-90 (farthest I’ve ever come) and off the streets now; had been living in shelters during our freezing winter for months, but now in my dream home… wow, what a difference.

But it’s still not easy; I have angry spells and crying spells, terrible and painful anxiety with multiple trips to doctors and hospitals every month. I can have good spells lasting up to a week or two and then I come crashing down one way… or another. I made a mistake of going off of a hormone meditation without consulting a doctor; that was a very bad idea, especially planning to quit my anxiety meds at the same time. I would cry for no particular reason..  for almost a week, popping the anxiety meds like candy trying to calm down, when I’m supposed to be tapering off them and just balling my eyes out and having no idea why, I don’t know if I have ever cried that much….

… I thought I had depression and was even getting a little suicidal so I ended up talking with a nurse over the phone and she told me that it was actually withdrawals from the medication I was experiencing. Now that’s over! thank god! But that being said I’m still left with anxiety… painful and a bit of depression or maybe not depression maybe just frustration, frustration with myself… I’m not sure. The anxiety is some scary shit though, like painful to the mind and body…and I’m hoping someday soon to really really get it under control.

Onto my current situation…  So I’m out of anxiety meditation now. Sigh* All because of my idiotic withdrawal pill popping episode and am thinking of trying to go without them for 5 days before seeing my doctor, it’s a little scary to think about but I’m tired of begging doctors for pills to keep me stable. I have mood stabilizers I plan to thoroughly pump into my body for these next 5 days to scapegoat anxiety and a trip to a doctor or hospital. They make you very tired and very hungry and in my personal opinion… a little stupid. Also, I’m not so sure they are really going to prevent anxiety attacks, but I know they will help… a little…

The positive aspects of life help and there are so many: My transition going well and my partner staying by my side through it all; to my home and my sobriety and my art and writing or… staying fit and eating healthy… Meditation and conquering all my issues day by day. Those things help me as to not give up. I’ve been close to the edge my whole life and I think that I am backing away now. Backing away into safety; into a new and wonderful life.

And I’m thankful for that.

Just got to hold it down, 5 days…

Nina

Where does pain abide? – Nina

 

tumblr_n2howaAtRL1smyby2o1_500.jpgI do not know who where what and why this pain has arrived.

Rambling ranting spoiled brat gallavanting… sighing and deeps breaths eyes watering

with tearful eyes fitted rage of ingrained sorrow for today tomorrow and yesterday

Mindful mind racing placing her hands over her face full of hate disgracing herself a mess of stress,

feeling down n out a useless clueless user with maneuvers; non existent n something missing…

missing her lover n missing life, missing out just pissing away time

more crying and sobbing head throbbing bobbing and weaving hurtful truths

self abuse like a tightened noose trying to break loose, still wondering, from where?

photoedit_1444759925825Confused…

I was about to cry; Then I felt the universe. -Nina

Sitting alone it’s pitch black before the dawn.

Stars in the sky.

I have had my issues with depression, the weight of the universe making me about to make me cry.

“No Nina,”.

It’s not the weight upon you; causing this sensation…

it is the energy trying to flow through you.

This world is moving and flowing at unimaginable rates and molecular mathematics.

I let the energies of it all flow through me; it takes but a millisecond to feel it.

Like a river.

Flow through my body and take all my pain away.

To literally feel time, space and matter for just that one moment.

Do not fight the flow of the raging river was a Zen tale I always enjoyed, perhaps it applies in all moments.

This flowing universe ; we live amongst the endless stars.

Stop to feel it,

If you need to.

 

-Nina