Journaling ramble Jot

Waking up… Its different here; not as calm being as that I am not the only early riser. 15 days sober and simply trying to get through every day. Not that I am not happy. I am happy. There are so many things I am thankful for and that I love dearly… Today I dont know what I will do but Im hoping today is bliss. Days can be bliss if you allow them to be.

Sidenote; I think I may have slept on my arm as my ribcage is a little sore.

I have someone whom I love dearly. She makes me smile so hard… So I tell her I love her as much as I can. Its too bad that covid has led to our relationship existing from such a distance but we strive to keep our sacred love and happiness alive. I can be patient.

I am happy! My room is now a pink little nest in which I find great comfort. The weather has been much cooler the past week which calms the mind during the summer heat. I also have quit smoking; something I wasnt sure would ever happen. Drinking is one thing but ciggarettes are a bitch! Go me…

Thats all for now

-Nina

(Against all odds) Just be happy anyways!

Why did I title this… against all odds? Happiness? Well..For months and months Ive been battling health issues. I spent over a month being dehydrated and extremely light headed (fainting occasionally) and I “FINALLY” conquered that issue recently. It was preventing me from getting work and I was exited for it to be over. BUT Week or Two later… I began throwing up every morning uncontrollably…  Its like morning sickness but Im sadly not pregnant…This has persisted for over a month now as well and we still aren’t really sure what is causing me to be so sick this time, the medication they gave me doesn’t seem to be working… But whatever y’know? Against all odds Imma Just Do Me and BE HAPPY.

I can’t let this sh–t drag me down; I will do whatever I got to do to get through this! and do it happily along the way, hehehe… Peace to all of my followers! and all the people I follow! So much respect to my fellow bloggers, you definitely without knowing it have helped me through these times haha… I don’t like to do any : ANY complaining blog posts. No thats not my style at all. This is a post about positivity and striving to do your best when things are trying to drag you down.

I love my girlfriend (my muse) lol, love her very much and my extremely  supportive parents  and I know they all want to see me doing well and being happy. I hope I make em proud… I celebrate 3 years on hormone replacement therapy ;So thats three years of my life I am extremely EXTREMELY thankful for; its been amazing. No doubt; amazing. Came a long way from last year itself. And yeah… Thats about it for the thankful rant…

Peace everyone. Stay happy, positive and strive on. (Through all obstacles)

-Nina

Journaling and thoughts on manifestation of future self. – Nina

I feel like if you believe strong enough something will happen. No matter how far away it is. If you start walking toward it; realizing it or not. You’re going to get there. Through the universes law of attraction. Good things and bad things and everything in between can be manifested. – Nina

5:00 AM July 23rd.

Coffee brews and the sky slightly lit and the neighbourhood in silence, other than the sounds of the frogs that live in the gutters. I’m tired but, not too tired to write. Finally my mind has readjusted back to the before sunrise wake-up time. So; I’m up before my alarm goes off and I quickly silence it.  Todays forecast is sunny n clouds with a high of 22 n a low of 14. Awake and alone as I’ve been for months in the morning. The day is young, and its mine…

Yes I’m alone; always alone in the morning n thats cool with me. Realizing lately that it’s okay to be alone, although it wasn’t easy for me to come to accept that notion. Being happy with ones own company is important for growth as a person and it give you time to think and I’ve been thinking a lot.

Thinking about the future and… An odd thing to feel is that you have manifested all of the aspects of your life to come together into a certain way; almost perfectly in sync… Seriously, the laws of attraction gives you these things you wanted and you try and ask yourself what you really want next? “What do I want?” and “Why do I want that?” or “How am I going to get that / there?” . How do I begin the process of manifesting once again? I honestly don’t know where I want to be heading next…

There are ways to try to manifest and realize / actualize your future through brain and mind maps; collages and lists of goals or visions of yourself in the future and I’ve used them several times which helped me get to many of the steps I’ve amounted to. Perhaps it’s time to rekindle the idea of manifesting through creativity and hard work and exploring ideas of what I really want for the rest of my life.

Luckily I’m alive today; Healthy with an opportunity to go after anything that I want. I don’t have anything holding me back (other than an anxiety disorder) but everyone has issues with that one way or another and I know that I’m extremely lucky for the freedom to choose any path… that, and as well as having all the supports I need… I am not in this alone…

Just alone in this physical moment.

At 5:00 AM July 23rd.

With love,

Nina

 

 

It’s me again.

Another journaling rant about yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Feeling really good this morning. Thinking about life and this life is just fine. Life has treated me well as I could have gone down some incredibly regrettable paths. Nevertheless I made it through and I’m happy to be here at this point; in this moment. It took me many years to make the decision to transition. It took 4 months on the street to get my home. But I made it! My relationship with my girlfriend is great and my parents as well. I’ve dropped my addiction fueled lifestyle for a more calming and healthy way. Staying out of trouble for the most part…

But I still have work to do; we all do don’t we? Goal setting is something I’m going to be working on daily or I’ll be going nowhere (as happy and relaxed as I am) I should never get too comfortable. I’ve had this issue many times before … People ask me if I work or study and the answer being “neither” has to change. It always changes; life is ever-changing. So daily I will have created different to-do like lists to drive myself forward. I’m not worried about anything, I just know about the importance of not being too stagnant and the rewards of hard work.

I honestly don’t have any particular set goals on work/ school /money at the moment but this is good in my opinion because it leaves so many options..

Happily,

Nina

Being transgender is more exiting.

I didn’t have the typical story of knowing I was a girl at a very young age. I grew into it naturally like a new pair of shoes. It’s exciting to me; everyday is exiting to get dressed and do my makeup and be me! It’s beautiful. The days spent out or the days shut in…. they represent me and they represent freedom. I am not the transgender girl complaining about the surrounding world, I am the lucky one passing day by the ”Practically” unscathed. Practically but most definitely not entirely. Imma keep stomping on. .

Muh Hat. The attention grabber complete with kitty ears.

When I was living on the streets I decided to do something special for myself one day. I went shopping at Capilano Mall 3 blocks from the shelter. I had been trying to save money but I was extremely depressed, buying this definitely cheered me up. Although! I felt very childish buying kitty ears toque with attached kitty mitts. I never would have thought it would make me suck a peacock, but I liked it. I’ve never had so many complements on a piece of clothing in my life… catching girls taking pictures of me on the train and sometimes up to 5 times a day people stopping me to tell me how much they love the hat. It definitely kept me warm as well in zero degree temperatures while I struggled my way out of shelters and from a ice cold R.V. to the beautiful home I have today.

Diz iz muh hat.

Journal Entry Number I don’t Know, bloop. :)

Just waking up at 6 Am. Feeling pretty good today; in turn from sleeping nearly 12 hours I am guessing?  I know, thats a F***ing long sleep right? My day today… Hoping that my girlfriends car has the life to make a trip over to my house… we really got to get that S*** fixed! It’s ugly outside and I need her to come over and cuddle, watch movies and let me cook her some dinner. As hard as I think I am sometimes, thats kind of played out, I’ve realized I mostly am not. Probably more of a softy. More interested in warmth, love, compassion ect. and I miss her / I miss her a lot.  But no matter what she’s definitely worth the wait…

The day is so young; but I’m wide awake. Wanting time to go by just a little bit faster. Not that I’m upset, I’m just optimistic for the day. Even with a clouded sky I will have smiling eyes. Although unsure at times if my writing is worth the words written I’ll continue nonetheless, for the sake I’ll look back one day, learn from it, or cherish it. I love looking back at my art, music and videos but for the first time in my life I’m trying to take the artistic approach of writing seriously. Not in the sense that I am going in any particular direction with it but in the sense that no matter what happens that I will simply continue doing it, whatever the days may bring.

Poetry has become an intricate part of my day to day life having been reading it everyday on my wordpress feed. I love reading poetry these days more than I ever have before. Its spilled it’s way into my youtube channel and also a great way of expressing my feelings, to the world and to the people I love. I’d say that poetry, how little or how much I do maybe was always a part of me. Hip hop is also poetry and I’ve been missing that feeling when you lay down a clean 16 bars. I try to write bars everyday only to get frustrated when its not exactly how I want it to be, frustrating me and leaving me wondering if it might be more productive to just get on and freestyle some stuff out till it just sounds right. I DONT KNOW! -writers block- ?

Anyways, hope you all have a great day!

Heres a little link-pooh.

Nina – Are you listening? Slam poetry rap.

 

About me in-depth. Nina.

Through the shrouded memories I take glimpses of my memories on earth; in this city I call home, it feels sometimes like I have seen it and been through it all. Even as 2 genders, a straight male, a lesbian. From a young boy to a grown woman; it is beautiful in my own eyes. My addiction to change was constant; I went from a high school drop out to a graduated mental health worker with some of the highest marks in my class. From a drug dealer to a volunteer in many of the cities outreach facilities. From a sexual exhibitionist to a faithful monogamous relationship with my present girlfriend. I was homeless countless times since the age of 15. In and out of the court system since as early as 13…

One of my first charges: possession of a controlled substance with intent to traffic. I’m a genderqueer rap artist and poet who when I was younger would never dream of going on Facebook, yet I later used it to exploit my body for the sheer rush and mass attention and exhibitionism. Never would have I ever dreamed of getting in front of a camera back in the day but now my YouTube has 111 subscribers 88 videos that I’ve produced and over 15 000 views…

Where am I going now? I feel as though I left the streets behind me… yet 4 months ago I lived in a shelter downtown. Sometimes I miss it, I really do. Many people have seen my transition as something powerful to uplift myself and other trans girls. Yet I’ve been attacked in the streets for it and harassed on many levels. I was liberated as a woman but was alluring myself towards being a working girl. Yin and yang of this life is baffling.

I thought everything in my life would stay the same. I’ve lost almost all of my personal friends. The kids I used to kick it with are long gone from my life. I’ve tried to stay in touch but maybe I’ve burned all my bridges through crime and substance, a reputation for disaster. Yet now I am… so different . It’s painful losing touch with people you considered brothers and sisters. But I have bipolar and in the blink of an eye my whole persona can switch along with a long list of social backfires that go back more years than I can think of… I was a bully in elementary school, I’m so ashamed of that and a gang mentality kid in high school, kind of ashamed at what I would do for dough; being shuffled rigorously through the system for my behavior. So the people I grew up with… I’m guessing have absolutely no trust in me and I don’t blame them.

I’ve moved on and transitioned, moved over and over again through all corners of the city. By now I’ve tried nearly every drug; having overdosed my first time trying heroin but no drug has had me addicted except the eversoavailable alcohol. I used it to treat social anxiety, personal anxiety, anxiety relating to my gender… I’m sitting in the doctors office, a transgender clinic downtown and oh so far I’ve come from an ignorant punk kid. Although the kid is still in me I use that part of me wisely; for creativity, curiosity. I don’t truly ever feel like I’m growing up but I guess that I am. How strange a thought… Have I stopped to smell the flowers?

From living in million dollar spots to sleeping on the bug rat infested floors of the projects in Chinatown or from the courtyard boxer fighting and training, smoking weed with my homies to the girl who stays home reading and reciting poetry. From the boy being abused by his girlfriend to the girl finally finding the true love she’s been looking for…

Maybe the Constance of change is the flowers. Seeing the world from all perspectives. Maybe I’m just well cultured… rather than an all over the place psychopath I’m actually someone you go to for another view of things. I’ve found peace in a cold jail cell and hell in luxury apartments on the ocean. It’s funny the way things work. You think you want something so bad you’d die for it. Something changes and you never wanted or needed it in the first place. What do I need now? I want to regain control, I want to empower myself to change my world first and then the world around me. I feel extremely lucky to be alive and I don’t want to take that for granted. I don’t want to take anything for granted, life is so precious and too short to waste. Where the fuck do I go from here? I’m so found yet still so lost… as I ride the train; city screaming by me. ..

I ask myself.

Where am I going this time?

-Nina

I don’t know pt. 2

 

Its morning again. Melancholy mood. Nujabes plays peacefully in the background. I cleaned up a little bit and had breakfast. But my mind races and wanders and races and wanders. I always feel like I should be doing something more. More for me and more for the world. But I sit here unsure of what that is. I don’t know what the day may bring. Week may bring. Months may bring and the years fly by in glorious mathematical blinks of an eye. Funny how a simple blip / second of a moment can feel so long in that retrospect.

As I write this it’s just a conversation with myself, just a mirror staring back at me in infinity. Do I want to stare into an infinite moment of melancholy? Do I want to move on in some sort of dynamic jump out of my normal day to day life? I thought I was a minimalist. I thought that I liked being alone. I thought I liked simplicity and just simply being in a moment for whatever that moment is. But maybe I don’t. Maybe my whole life is quite the opposite. A constant craving for fleeting escape from the dull normality’s of… whatever. Craving a great escape.

I make sacrifices and deals and decisions and commitments and plans but have I really. I mean really. Given the importance of my life and what I do with it major thought? I thought I had! But in reality I pretty much feel invisible. My struggle and my achievements and pain is invisible and my gifts I bring to the world invisible as well. As we all continue on our day to day endeavours of eat sleep repeat; where was our revolution? Our against the grain mentality of force-feeding truth and not the comforting lies.

We see each other grow. We watch as flowers bloom or wither away from the weathering of mankind’s poisonous corruptive abilities. Death is inevitable and I am not afraid to die. I’m just afraid to waste my time; I’m afraid to hide my feelings and I’m afraid to see my people, our people, and all people suffer. As I write this I suffer, yet I bloom as a tear rolls down my cheek…

-Nina

Myself: Part. 2*

I can’t believe I’m mustering up to write some sort of bio. Feels fucking weird….

I think writing about yourself in depth; story form, is kind of… narcissistic. But I’m a hip hop artist so perhaps I’ve already gone there… *laughs out loud*

I could remember starting up rap battling ciphers in elementary school. On the school field, upscale neighborhood acting tough with no account and if you weren’t droppings rhymes you didn’t have privilege so bounce! (I still got it lol).

I had a girlfriend in elementary school that could pass for 22… Far more grown up than I was, it’s like she took me under her wing. I was standing hardly 5’2 with the most gorgeous girl in school. I loved her but our relationship was a fool 😉 . Ing* around time flies when your high as a kite tripping with her every night, eventually we both moved on. She went off to a private school…. lost touch completely.

Meanwhile I bounced around high school public educational facilities like it was a special ability. I learned so much!!!!! How to fight, hustle, party, skate, play ball, joyride, go bombing (paint graffiti), know my way around a city of 4 million like the back of my hand…..amoung many other things that went hand in hand with blunts, coronas, and tequila.

I managed to not get involved with crack or guns, meth and heroin. Although I often spent time in what is often referred to as the world’s largest open drug market. Now looking back… I’ve lost a lot of friends to this city and I cry about it quite often.

I can’t write anymore right now.

Too hard.

 

 

Nina