Through my weary eyes, I type. It is 5 am as the sun begins to rise on my side of this planet. My wife lay asleep while candles flicker throughout the house. Traditional Japanese music softly plays from the television. I don’t know why I’m writing but I do it regardless.
It’s been a very long time since I have been blogging and a lot has changed. I’m married with a step son now. And I’m sober for the first time in my life. To be honest I’ve never felt better. I am on a path; this path is beautiful.
And as I write the sun continues to rise and the music continues to play and time is slipping away into next and the best thing I can do is simply view it.
I’ve always counted my blessings. Abundant. Thankful.
There’s too much beauty in this world to waste any time in my personal opinion. So I practice love. Through various ways and means. I’ve been working very hard to better myself for my self. It’s working as my self doubt is exhaled into nothingness. Leaving me with nothing but peace.
Dare to write
Writing your dreams, desire, sex, love and passion
Whatever that may be
You can see your thoughts colliding with concrete written form
It’s bare and exposed
Lighting a way through the dark reality of human consciousness
Blessed with the food, shelter, family friends
Give thanks when you write
Nobody is promised tomorrow
Everybody dies; but not everybody lives.
I love the mornings and have for many years. I wake up and thank the universe for another day in a sense; and another its always another chance to try again. I’m usually up long before the sunrise and greeting the world with peace. Its always so quiet and so dark… relaxing to the mind. Sipping my coffee. A much needed vice. (Black) Bzzzzzz.
But… I’m fighting a health issue which doesn’t make waking up in the morning very pleasant at first; I fight it; for I love my mornings and I try to get over it as soon as I possibly can…
Right now it is 4 am and I’m just pondering what all needs to be done today. Which isn’t much! Just make some calls and get some refills on a medication; not much to do! Oh. And clean the house… I could probably be doing that one now and I will shortly.
Its been odd to be living completely alone so far from most of the people I know but I am very thankful for everything that Ive gained by getting out and on my own. My own space to keep sacred and do with what I please, whenever I please. Ive lived in quite a few places and I think I am the happiest here. My landlord is very nice and I haven’t bothered him nor him bother me even once.
Before here… it was months in the shelter and even sleeping in an RV; times that were very good and times that were very bad. The RV I bought to get me out of the shelter; oh god did it get cold; but was fun while it lasted….
Anyways; I loved when I moved into this house and it was completely empty; other than my few things I had scrounged up to move in. It was very zendo like to have such few possessions but realistically; my potential to thrive required more.
My girlfriend would visit me constantly and help me get everything I need and it wasn’t long before I did have everything I need and more; she has been amazing. Even getting me this laptop I am typing on now so I could continue with wordpress and youtube (Thank you babe). She helped with furniture, appliances, groceries and anything I could have asked for.
My health issues will be dealt with soon. I have faith in that! And then I can chase dreams and chase much needed paper to provide myself with an even more comfortable living. Right now I am seeing the doctors way too much and am not going to put anything else on my plate. I will get better, I know it.
Why don’t I write any more? Have I gotten out of the groove? I said it was back to art? But how much art have I actually done? It seems like I fret without the constant attention I seek and its become oh so clear that I have a fear of abandonment. I aught to be ashamed of myself. Nawwwww I shouldn’t be its just the way I am. Nevertheless a very lucky girl indeed with oh so many blessings to keep me going!
Dear god if you can hear me I want to thank you for everything you’ve given me and even the things you havnt or have not yet or never will. NORMALLY I wouldn’t even acknowledge you god but I am not perfect. Maybe you are not either? Or maybe you are? Or maybe you don’t exist? Or maybe I am the god I am talking to deep inside myself. But I don’t think so. But it is good to be humble and thankful and as peaceful as you possibly can. Its a beautiful morning indeed as the rain pours down outside my windows.
Thank you god/ Universe for all the people in my life; its amazing how many people are out there and its almost like they are there JUST for me. Its very special; I want you to know if you’re listening I am thankful you put my girlfriend in my life she’s truly wonderful for me and we’ve come along way together so please help guide us in the right direction; in particular help guide me in the right direction and keep her safe god. Keep my parents safe as well and all of my friends, they deserve the best; they are beautiful. As is everything in creation if we can all live in peace. Peace be upon this world in the name of everything beautiful.
Waking up and feeling amazing / Dumbfounded by the amount of dreams I had last night. What a miracle that I can see so much of my imagination uncontrolled while I sleep. I have been many places since I went to bed; It was truly dark… and truly beautiful. Life is extremely good. Ive had a few hard days but overall I am extremely thankful. Thankful that I made it through the last week. Even more so; I feel I am blessed.
Sitting here…. Here as I drink coffee and wait to see what my energy levels are like for today. Babbling away thinking… I want my girlfriend to move in with me… So very badly I want this. So: I’m hopefully going to chat with the landlord today and see if he can be open minded and take a pet deposit and having her move in with me. My girlfriend loves her dog; they are almost inseparable. I lover her dogs too… And I hate the fact we spend so much time apart. So I am working on it! I sent him a text but I think language is a huge barrier. Anyways Love You Hun, Miss You, Working on it!
Blogging has been a great outlet for me. I have three now that I am working on: My art blog ninayinartcollection now has 50 of my pieces posted which is really nice to see come together and if I am ever to want an art gig or class I can use it as my portfolio. Goodnightnina is becoming chaotic in my mind I am not 100% sure if I should start again and or perhaps I need to re-evaluate the content I post and keep on this page, hmmmmm, and then I started a little street photography blog ninalovesvancity which I hope to expand on as soon as I can. Only started a few days ago and its already glitchy. Oh well.
Transitioning is still great. I still love shopping and going out. I still love doing my make-up and getting to choose outfits. I still love taking pictures. I still love being able to be my authentic true self and expressing that however way I want to. I still love how my body and face have changed (however slightly that may be). I still love… well everything I guess when it comes to the changes.
Still Love Writing.
Feeling better these days and grateful for life, loving girlfriend and parents. The days seem bright, hard not to smile and hard not to be slightly giddy and silly. I’ve bounced back to the happy me that believes in herself and can conquer the world. Dysphoria is gone; feeling beautiful as ever and not having panic attacks at all. Thanking my lucky stars!
The weather is warming up in Vancouver; Even the rain is warm. More and more sunny days has us playing basketball and me skateboarding. I kinda feel like I’ve been hibernating which is NOT like me so… I am delighted that winter has come to an end. To say the least.
I’ve definitely settled into the new place and there’s nothing else needing to be added to our new home. We managed to fully furnish a large suite for under $300 it’s probably closer to $200. I feel extremely comfortable living here and am extremely thankful for that as well.
Writing and blogging and video logging has given me outlets of creativity instead of wasting time away. I love hopping on here (wordpress) in the morning with some coffee to see what everyone is offering up to the world which is cool. I’m not sure how to make the perfect WordPress layout on my page but it’s all good.
It’s all good.
Thank you my love for the photo. ❤
It’s 5 am in the city I call home. The usual wake up time and I’m remembering my dreams as I do every night; a more fluid world….slightly terrified simply because my vivid dream world is so different to the real world I wake up to. It takes me 45 minutes to aclimatise to the new energies coming into my psyche and today it was overwhelming.
Writing is something I do as soon as I get up, they say the subconscious mind is still active. Perfect for the creative type. I have my coffee and peace of mind as the words I create slowly fill the screen. Writing gives me peace of mind. It also gives me peace of mind to be in love and fully transitioned into the woman I am today. I feel lucky.
I have an extroverted mind yet there’s a side of me attached to my lonesome creative or playful alone time; the introverted side important for my growth as a person. I hate writing about myself in a sense because usually when I come back to it I’m either disappointed in myself or something doesn’t quite feel right. On the other hand if I write in completely positive pretext about my life and situations it seems to make me happy to look back to myself standing strong in the face of danger.
Today is amazing.