Journaling ramble Jot

Waking up… Its different here; not as calm being as that I am not the only early riser. 15 days sober and simply trying to get through every day. Not that I am not happy. I am happy. There are so many things I am thankful for and that I love dearly… Today I dont know what I will do but Im hoping today is bliss. Days can be bliss if you allow them to be.

Sidenote; I think I may have slept on my arm as my ribcage is a little sore.

I have someone whom I love dearly. She makes me smile so hard… So I tell her I love her as much as I can. Its too bad that covid has led to our relationship existing from such a distance but we strive to keep our sacred love and happiness alive. I can be patient.

I am happy! My room is now a pink little nest in which I find great comfort. The weather has been much cooler the past week which calms the mind during the summer heat. I also have quit smoking; something I wasnt sure would ever happen. Drinking is one thing but ciggarettes are a bitch! Go me…

Thats all for now

-Nina

Rambling optimism; Journal Entry

Not much to say; but not much to complain about. I’m waking up with a completely empty day and empty house. But I do love taking care of this place, its truly beautiful and I am lucky. Writing just for the sake of writing like I SAID I have not much to say. Perhaps I should just say I’m in a better place, often when I’m feeling low I just do not write at all or get half way through a poem and give up. I spent a number of days drowning in sorrow, my loneliness and mood swing mentality; house ridden anxiety but that is long gone now. I’ve spent days with friends and my girlfriend as well as going out and around the city on my own.

I love being myself now, I feel beautiful and no one can take that away from me. One of the downsides of being trans though is having the occasional man say some disgusting sh** to me in front of other people like what happened on the bus yesterday. But I can brush that off easier than pie. In one ear and out the other! Dudes gon’ have a heart attack or die of something any second now anyways.

I got Nujabees playing right now, the “Soul Searching” Album. I highly recommend it for anyone that likes MUSIC in general. Haha… Super chill. Anyways, I am exited to do absolutely nothing today as my last 3 or 4 days were incredibly busy. It would be cool to get into some photography or video or sketching today but who knows, I don’t have an agenda and neither does this post.

Its 8 AM now and I don’t have to make up my mind just yet. I’m writing this because I know I should be. Not for any purpose really, I’m hastily typing away and it has no direction or intention behind it. Its interesting to do that, just doing it because you think you should. Applying myself but what am I applying myself to in the first place? I do not know. Perhaps it is simply optimistic writing.

I’m thankful that I’m alive because when I was younger I really thought I would be gone before 27 just because of my lifestyle/mentality but now I am here and I am happy. Go figure…

Thats all!

Nina

Journal Entry Number I don’t Know, bloop. :)

Just waking up at 6 Am. Feeling pretty good today; in turn from sleeping nearly 12 hours I am guessing?  I know, thats a F***ing long sleep right? My day today… Hoping that my girlfriends car has the life to make a trip over to my house… we really got to get that S*** fixed! It’s ugly outside and I need her to come over and cuddle, watch movies and let me cook her some dinner. As hard as I think I am sometimes, thats kind of played out, I’ve realized I mostly am not. Probably more of a softy. More interested in warmth, love, compassion ect. and I miss her / I miss her a lot.  But no matter what she’s definitely worth the wait…

The day is so young; but I’m wide awake. Wanting time to go by just a little bit faster. Not that I’m upset, I’m just optimistic for the day. Even with a clouded sky I will have smiling eyes. Although unsure at times if my writing is worth the words written I’ll continue nonetheless, for the sake I’ll look back one day, learn from it, or cherish it. I love looking back at my art, music and videos but for the first time in my life I’m trying to take the artistic approach of writing seriously. Not in the sense that I am going in any particular direction with it but in the sense that no matter what happens that I will simply continue doing it, whatever the days may bring.

Poetry has become an intricate part of my day to day life having been reading it everyday on my wordpress feed. I love reading poetry these days more than I ever have before. Its spilled it’s way into my youtube channel and also a great way of expressing my feelings, to the world and to the people I love. I’d say that poetry, how little or how much I do maybe was always a part of me. Hip hop is also poetry and I’ve been missing that feeling when you lay down a clean 16 bars. I try to write bars everyday only to get frustrated when its not exactly how I want it to be, frustrating me and leaving me wondering if it might be more productive to just get on and freestyle some stuff out till it just sounds right. I DONT KNOW! -writers block- ?

Anyways, hope you all have a great day!

Heres a little link-pooh.

Nina – Are you listening? Slam poetry rap.

 

Checking in with Nina. Journaling and about me.

4 AM May 22nd – I was thinking of going back to sleep but it is beautifully dark, beautifully quiet and peaceful. I just awoke from having multiple dreams. It was the first day of our high school and it was more of a wasteland of stoners than an actual school as blunts were passed around before we walked barefoot into a piss covered hallway leading to our homeroom. It only lasted for about five minutes before we all realized how horrible school was and ran off into the darkness. Darkness? Yes its odd school was in the middle of the night and I’m realizing that now. A woman beats her child for acting up asking if he wants to end up in the downtown eastside when he grows up. My dreamlands are… they are definitely something.

I’m awake now. The coffee is made. It’s cold in the house because my landlord cut off the heat to save money so I’m all bundled up. I want to go to the skatepark down the street today so long as it doesn’t rain on me. I feel kind of like I haven’t been my ever-so-optimistic self lately. Now waking up this early I wonder if it’s because I haven’t been waking up before daylight. This feels far better than seeing light as soon as I’m up. It’s been 4 months since I left the homeless shelter but I still haven’t found a routine that truly satisfies me… I’m addicted to ever-changing life but I feel quite still.

I’ve gotten used to living here and am going to start looking for work soon. I want to work in a plant nursery; So I’m going to try that first. If not… I’ll try something else! Transitioning is going just fine. I consider it done and I’m comfy in my own skin, taking pictures as often as I can and daring to go out in dresses and skirts by my lonesome at the spur of any moment. On the other hand I cry a lot; but I’m not sure if that entirely relates to the hormones or not hahaha… Maybe that is silly. Crying over very little and trivial things… But bigger things are an even harder challenge. Today however I am feeling optimistic. I feel refreshed and ready for whatever.

Just checking in.

Nina

Jotting my journal away! – Nina

Journaling is kind of funny on here because it is very random writing for me. Yet it seems to get more views than other posts.  If you clicked here and don’t know me I’m Nina, I am 27 years old and a happily transgender female living on the west coast of Canada (Lovely Vancity). I tend to blog a lot of art, graffiti, poetry, Buddhism related stuff and ocasionally indulge into my life; its ups and downs or spirals down rabbit holes / or perhaps blasting to the moon.

I’m in a great place at this point in my journey and I am really appreciative of friends family and supporters through my m2f transition that occurred for a large portion of my life.  So if you’re reading this, thank you. Also helping to smooth over my recovery from substance abuse and dealing with bipolar and shit that comes along with it, particularly my girlfriend, I love you hun. Thank you.

When I say I am happily trans its because I don’t carry any burdens along with me. I don’t dwell on if I could’ve been born a woman or transitioned sooner. Maybe everything happens at a certain time for a certain reason; I am not really sure, but in this moment it feels right; and I know I am in the right place. And with this: Hoping my life can reach out a hand a little bit; letting people know with growth comes healing.

The studies and posts I do regarding Buddhism, Zen and Tao are important in a large sense and perhaps I should not be the one wording the dharma or explaining it but… I will say that I have grown as a person because of it and it has taken me on journeys I did not think possible. It has also helped with my creativity, focus and recovery from abuse. So I try my best to share that. Untainted.

I have been spending a lot of time with my lover and it’s been wonderful. And although I have relapsed and I have had anxiety and I have been psychotic…

I’m doing good. I am still working on it  and “keep it movin'”.   Always!—- forward.

Today I am just chillin’ at home and watching time slowly pass by. Drawing and reading and  I’m happily typing away and wishing all of you the best wherever you want to go.

Stay beautiful, stay strong.

Peace

Nina

 

 

 

Journaling n Soaking it in… -Nina

Bipolar anxiety wooped my ass for about 4 days but then when it ends… it’s always like being reborn coming out of it. “Just keep it movin’! So… I drew a self portrait this morning which I posted, in drawing I definitely started my day off on the right track. They say drawing oneself repetitively can drive an artist insane so I dont think I’ll obsess over doing these but hey… I think it looks wonderful.

The sun resurfaced once again controlled the city. It twas a beautiful day and I’m feeling extremely blessed. My girl and I lounged in the sun for most of the day and then went for a wonderful walk; its finally hot enough to wear a skirt. Yassss. I got J Dilla the Donuts album playing in the background right now just blissfully and almost euphorically typing away; its amazing what the hot sunshine will do to ones soul.

Im not really worried about much right now; coffee is brewing and the sun is starting to set over the ocean on the other side of the city. I watch as it trickles away into trees, buildings and shimmering clouds. This truly is a beautiful city, full of beautiful people, places and its just… where I need to be.

So thankful.

-Nina

 

Today in story form. -Nina

I promised myself that I would write today for the sake of writing but I don’t feel like I’m forcing it at all. I woke up this morning around 7 o’clock and saw the sunshine cascading through the cracks of my blinds knowing it was going to be a beautiful day. I quickly had coffee, got dressed and did my make-up, exited to run round the city. Walked down the block to get some change for the bus and as I was walking I could swear the flagger girl directing traffic called my name “Nina!” and told me to have a good day… “You too!”… I said smilingly.

I didn’t even exactly decide where I was going; either to pick up a check or to see the love of my life n wake her up n surprise her. As situations played out I stayed on the bus heading to grab the money n grab her after. I sat at the back of the bus truly enjoying this beautiful weather, people, vibes along the river on marine drive south Vancouver. A little girl got on the bus and ran down the isle sitting beside me noticing the art on my tablet; sparking conversations on graffiti, dragons and being transgender at an age …probably 4 years old. I truly love this city; feeling so safe and sound…

I rode around the city bus by bus and got the dough I needed for rent, met up with my lover for breakfast and decided to go shopping. I found a leather studded purse and golden heart bracelets while Larissa grabbed a new summer dress n a very cute bra..She kept thanking me for coming to get her and go shopping n I didn’t know why… until she put it on the dress; I have to say she looked stunning. It’s still hot and sunny as I type this away from my new home maxin n relaxin in my bikini, naturally happily.

lol

love you hun.

-Nina

 

 

Depression/Anxiety/Bipolar? Relapse? Fuck that.-Checking in with Nina

Outside it is pouring a warm rain, I’ve left the door wide open, just listening. Drinking my coffee wishing I had slept in but that’s never the case for me. The rain is beautiful and calming and I know warm weather is coming soon and I desperately need it, Sun and exploration. I have a Canon rebel hoping to be out doing street photography shoots and skate videos. Walking the city and hiking the mountains. I know. Good times are coming.

I’m still enjoying my transition; I shouldn’t even call it that because I feel complete. Instead: I’m enjoying life as a woman. I don’t have dysphoria for the most part. Sometimes I don’t even wear makeup and simply rely on my natural beauty; which feels good. I love shopping and building a never-ending wardrobe, I love doing my makeup and picking my outfits or wearing the intimate types for me or my girlfriend and my life is a thousand times better this way.

I’m climbing out of my depressive state; slowly but surely. Taking my blog seriously and taking life seriously around 100 days sober. It’s taken some getting used to coming from using my whole life and recently living in the the shelter to my beautiful home and completely sober but I’m extremely hopeful for the future; letting go of destructive uses of time and onto the constructive… I’m supposed to be tapering down my anxiety meditation but I might have to tell my doctor that I’m actually not ready for that. The thought of battling it without meditation is just… ugh. My anxiety still has a firm grip on me basically; not for any particular reason, it’s just my bipolar.

So basically I’m just overcoming, striving to be better than I was yesterday and holding onto the positives that keep me going. Extremely blessed and lucky: to be alive, to be with my love, having a home and infinite opportunities to grasp and work with. As for anxiety/depression/bipolar, I’m just going to take control of my life and ride the shit out. I’ve been through way too much in this life to let that shit control me. Fuck that.

Nina

Me: Battling Depression and Anxiety and Withdrawals

Oh my, how have I even come this far? Days sober somewhere around: 85-90 (farthest I’ve ever come) and off the streets now; had been living in shelters during our freezing winter for months, but now in my dream home… wow, what a difference.

But it’s still not easy; I have angry spells and crying spells, terrible and painful anxiety with multiple trips to doctors and hospitals every month. I can have good spells lasting up to a week or two and then I come crashing down one way… or another. I made a mistake of going off of a hormone meditation without consulting a doctor; that was a very bad idea, especially planning to quit my anxiety meds at the same time. I would cry for no particular reason..  for almost a week, popping the anxiety meds like candy trying to calm down, when I’m supposed to be tapering off them and just balling my eyes out and having no idea why, I don’t know if I have ever cried that much….

… I thought I had depression and was even getting a little suicidal so I ended up talking with a nurse over the phone and she told me that it was actually withdrawals from the medication I was experiencing. Now that’s over! thank god! But that being said I’m still left with anxiety… painful and a bit of depression or maybe not depression maybe just frustration, frustration with myself… I’m not sure. The anxiety is some scary shit though, like painful to the mind and body…and I’m hoping someday soon to really really get it under control.

Onto my current situation…  So I’m out of anxiety meditation now. Sigh* All because of my idiotic withdrawal pill popping episode and am thinking of trying to go without them for 5 days before seeing my doctor, it’s a little scary to think about but I’m tired of begging doctors for pills to keep me stable. I have mood stabilizers I plan to thoroughly pump into my body for these next 5 days to scapegoat anxiety and a trip to a doctor or hospital. They make you very tired and very hungry and in my personal opinion… a little stupid. Also, I’m not so sure they are really going to prevent anxiety attacks, but I know they will help… a little…

The positive aspects of life help and there are so many: My transition going well and my partner staying by my side through it all; to my home and my sobriety and my art and writing or… staying fit and eating healthy… Meditation and conquering all my issues day by day. Those things help me as to not give up. I’ve been close to the edge my whole life and I think that I am backing away now. Backing away into safety; into a new and wonderful life.

And I’m thankful for that.

Just got to hold it down, 5 days…

Nina

Jotting rhymes in moments .- Nina

Literature is a little bit illiterate.

It’s not deliberate I figure it’s..m

Just a step taken not mistaken

When the pen hits the pad not much is

Forsaken

Life taken for granted

Backhandslappin’ myself

like I’m my own mother giving lashes

But I be splashing in the pools of time; unwind

My mind

Into sublime

I find. My peace in single moments

then I hold it….

Oh so deeply . oh if you could see» into my mind

The magic amidst the tragic you’ll find;

It’s a little bit fragmented but sentiments unprecedented whenever

I get a good vibrations I let it reside into the residence

Resignate mmmm, my soul escapes 

I’m so awake

Here and now, now and here.

And

All is clear.

 

Nina