Why did I title this… against all odds? Happiness? Well..For months and months Ive been battling health issues. I spent over a month being dehydrated and extremely light headed (fainting occasionally) and I “FINALLY” conquered that issue recently. It was preventing me from getting work and I was exited for it to be over. BUT Week or Two later… I began throwing up every morning uncontrollably… Its like morning sickness but Im sadly not pregnant…This has persisted for over a month now as well and we still aren’t really sure what is causing me to be so sick this time, the medication they gave me doesn’t seem to be working… But whatever y’know? Against all odds Imma Just Do Me and BE HAPPY.
I can’t let this sh–t drag me down; I will do whatever I got to do to get through this! and do it happily along the way, hehehe… Peace to all of my followers! and all the people I follow! So much respect to my fellow bloggers, you definitely without knowing it have helped me through these times haha… I don’t like to do any : ANY complaining blog posts. No thats not my style at all. This is a post about positivity and striving to do your best when things are trying to drag you down.
I love my girlfriend (my muse) lol, love her very much and my extremely supportive parents and I know they all want to see me doing well and being happy. I hope I make em proud… I celebrate 3 years on hormone replacement therapy ;So thats three years of my life I am extremely EXTREMELY thankful for; its been amazing. No doubt; amazing. Came a long way from last year itself. And yeah… Thats about it for the thankful rant…
Peace everyone. Stay happy, positive and strive on. (Through all obstacles)
Why don’t I write any more? Have I gotten out of the groove? I said it was back to art? But how much art have I actually done? It seems like I fret without the constant attention I seek and its become oh so clear that I have a fear of abandonment. I aught to be ashamed of myself. Nawwwww I shouldn’t be its just the way I am. Nevertheless a very lucky girl indeed with oh so many blessings to keep me going!
Dear god if you can hear me I want to thank you for everything you’ve given me and even the things you havnt or have not yet or never will. NORMALLY I wouldn’t even acknowledge you god but I am not perfect. Maybe you are not either? Or maybe you are? Or maybe you don’t exist? Or maybe I am the god I am talking to deep inside myself. But I don’t think so. But it is good to be humble and thankful and as peaceful as you possibly can. Its a beautiful morning indeed as the rain pours down outside my windows.
Thank you god/ Universe for all the people in my life; its amazing how many people are out there and its almost like they are there JUST for me. Its very special; I want you to know if you’re listening I am thankful you put my girlfriend in my life she’s truly wonderful for me and we’ve come along way together so please help guide us in the right direction; in particular help guide me in the right direction and keep her safe god. Keep my parents safe as well and all of my friends, they deserve the best; they are beautiful. As is everything in creation if we can all live in peace. Peace be upon this world in the name of everything beautiful.
Waking up and feeling amazing / Dumbfounded by the amount of dreams I had last night. What a miracle that I can see so much of my imagination uncontrolled while I sleep. I have been many places since I went to bed; It was truly dark… and truly beautiful. Life is extremely good. Ive had a few hard days but overall I am extremely thankful. Thankful that I made it through the last week. Even more so; I feel I am blessed.
Sitting here…. Here as I drink coffee and wait to see what my energy levels are like for today. Babbling away thinking… I want my girlfriend to move in with me… So very badly I want this. So: I’m hopefully going to chat with the landlord today and see if he can be open minded and take a pet deposit and having her move in with me. My girlfriend loves her dog; they are almost inseparable. I lover her dogs too… And I hate the fact we spend so much time apart. So I am working on it! I sent him a text but I think language is a huge barrier. Anyways Love You Hun, Miss You, Working on it!
Blogging has been a great outlet for me. I have three now that I am working on: My art blog ninayinartcollection now has 50 of my pieces posted which is really nice to see come together and if I am ever to want an art gig or class I can use it as my portfolio. Goodnightnina is becoming chaotic in my mind I am not 100% sure if I should start again and or perhaps I need to re-evaluate the content I post and keep on this page, hmmmmm, and then I started a little street photography blog ninalovesvancity which I hope to expand on as soon as I can. Only started a few days ago and its already glitchy. Oh well.
Transitioning is still great. I still love shopping and going out. I still love doing my make-up and getting to choose outfits. I still love taking pictures. I still love being able to be my authentic true self and expressing that however way I want to. I still love how my body and face have changed (however slightly that may be). I still love… well everything I guess when it comes to the changes.
Still Love Writing.
I was sitting in the borough; waiting for the bus….; crazy traffic so I pull out my tablet and start to type. The whole neighborhood is gridlock but the bus arrives 20 minutes later. The city is in a misty haze as I cross the Queensborough bridge; rain tattering windows and playing in the traffic . The usual rush hour traffic and people row after row simply stare at their phones. …I look up and ok up and I’m at 22nd… and it’s already iIt’s time to hop the next bus…
I sit here in my own little world amidst a bus full of people… Time going by very slowly as we go and stop and stop and go. These moments are perfect imagery of the 21st century as I look up at the bus advertisements “All ages. All genders. All orientations… Opt: Options for sexual health”. Safe sex busriders! And To the left of it is a security camera watching and listening to us all. The cameras never stop me from doing graffiti on the trains and bus’s; ” I just doubt anyone in authority really gives a fuck”. As I throw something up. Heh….
It sucks that I don’t have headphones as I type away because the noises I’m subject to in this moment are rather distracting and actually quite aggravating in the morning… I’m tired andn It sounds like 4 different conversations at once; all in Filipino… with the bleeps n buttons of the bus… reminds me of trying to watch cartoons while peaking on mushrooms ( I used to really like mushrooms) But I”m indifferent about public transit. Do I love it? Do I hate it? I’m not really sure. But i got to go pick up some dough for rent, the trip was inevitable. A cold rainy day in July!!! how odd. Even for Vancouver n. I’m freezing….
I kick my feet up and try to get comfy. Passing high rise towers. Farms. Shops. Rivers. This particular ride has nothing to really look at so… I guess it’s a good time to write. It’s almost time to get off for bus number 3. Sigh…. got to get money Nina…
Hopped on the next and I’ve reached the upscale neighborhood of Marpole or… South Granville on route to downtown. Starting to get extremely bored and I haven’t even arrived yet. I close my eyes and I’ll let the world pass without thought…. blink of an eye. Mission complete.
I feel like if you believe strong enough something will happen. No matter how far away it is. If you start walking toward it; realizing it or not. You’re going to get there. Through the universes law of attraction. Good things and bad things and everything in between can be manifested. – Nina
5:00 AM July 23rd.
Coffee brews and the sky slightly lit and the neighbourhood in silence, other than the sounds of the frogs that live in the gutters. I’m tired but, not too tired to write. Finally my mind has readjusted back to the before sunrise wake-up time. So; I’m up before my alarm goes off and I quickly silence it. Todays forecast is sunny n clouds with a high of 22 n a low of 14. Awake and alone as I’ve been for months in the morning. The day is young, and its mine…
Yes I’m alone; always alone in the morning n thats cool with me. Realizing lately that it’s okay to be alone, although it wasn’t easy for me to come to accept that notion. Being happy with ones own company is important for growth as a person and it give you time to think and I’ve been thinking a lot.
Thinking about the future and… An odd thing to feel is that you have manifested all of the aspects of your life to come together into a certain way; almost perfectly in sync… Seriously, the laws of attraction gives you these things you wanted and you try and ask yourself what you really want next? “What do I want?” and “Why do I want that?” or “How am I going to get that / there?” . How do I begin the process of manifesting once again? I honestly don’t know where I want to be heading next…
There are ways to try to manifest and realize / actualize your future through brain and mind maps; collages and lists of goals or visions of yourself in the future and I’ve used them several times which helped me get to many of the steps I’ve amounted to. Perhaps it’s time to rekindle the idea of manifesting through creativity and hard work and exploring ideas of what I really want for the rest of my life.
Luckily I’m alive today; Healthy with an opportunity to go after anything that I want. I don’t have anything holding me back (other than an anxiety disorder) but everyone has issues with that one way or another and I know that I’m extremely lucky for the freedom to choose any path… that, and as well as having all the supports I need… I am not in this alone…
Just alone in this physical moment.
At 5:00 AM July 23rd.
I don’t know what to write. Impose a rule on myself to just compose and type
; like I suppose your right. Here it goes; in flight.
Im not complaining simply explaining that a lot of my days are draining me driving me insanely, plain to see that my mind is somewhat aimlessly;and broken.
I wish I was calmer are more soft spoken.
My girlfriend says I was in a better place mentally when I was living in the homeless shelter.
Shes right; its like I do better surrounded by… lives like mine but whatever.
Now is the only moment; so: hold it…
I Do not condone any of my past it’s already done so don’t quote it.
Journal exercise: What does self-care and self-compassion mean to you? How are they different? How are they the same? — Inspired by conversations of late, I am intrigued by the differences between SELF-CARE and SELF-COMPASSION. — — In health care, self care is any necessary human regulatory function which is under individual control, deliberate and self-initiated. […]
via Journal exercise: self-care and self-compassion — Katarina Thorsen
Another journaling rant about yesterday, today and tomorrow.
Feeling really good this morning. Thinking about life and this life is just fine. Life has treated me well as I could have gone down some incredibly regrettable paths. Nevertheless I made it through and I’m happy to be here at this point; in this moment. It took me many years to make the decision to transition. It took 4 months on the street to get my home. But I made it! My relationship with my girlfriend is great and my parents as well. I’ve dropped my addiction fueled lifestyle for a more calming and healthy way. Staying out of trouble for the most part…
But I still have work to do; we all do don’t we? Goal setting is something I’m going to be working on daily or I’ll be going nowhere (as happy and relaxed as I am) I should never get too comfortable. I’ve had this issue many times before … People ask me if I work or study and the answer being “neither” has to change. It always changes; life is ever-changing. So daily I will have created different to-do like lists to drive myself forward. I’m not worried about anything, I just know about the importance of not being too stagnant and the rewards of hard work.
I honestly don’t have any particular set goals on work/ school /money at the moment but this is good in my opinion because it leaves so many options..
I didn’t have the typical story of knowing I was a girl at a very young age. I grew into it naturally like a new pair of shoes. It’s exciting to me; everyday is exiting to get dressed and do my makeup and be me! It’s beautiful. The days spent out or the days shut in…. they represent me and they represent freedom. I am not the transgender girl complaining about the surrounding world, I am the lucky one passing day by the ”Practically” unscathed. Practically but most definitely not entirely. Imma keep stomping on. .