Tag Archives: Psychosis

Schematics.

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I could map the schematics of my psychotic mind

They are highways to “The High Way”.

Alleyways to the gutter.

Left and right is up and down

And I’m never coming down unfortunately

I look down and the only down is death

Climbing the barbed wire fence to the other side

Pain and suffering is life; we all do know

Simply row that boat

So gently down the stream

I am the lost one; always have been

Cause life is but a dream.

 

-Nina

Tears.

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Oh Ive been waiting for you… The dormant torment

The mind and body sadistic performance

The feeling of hearing a pin drop in an empty stadium

Like seeing life from the worst possible angle

Not to mention Im really ill; for sure.

Seems the acid burning ; a sickness that has no cure

Where is everyone?  I know I’m here

The sensory overload and mind numbing fear

While my mind has devised plots against me

Feels like the whole world resents me…

Ive been waiting for you… No you never forget a thing like this

When its the end of the end of the end… again…

While I am all alone. And my friends are nowhere to be found

Its astounding how easily I hear my heart pounding but…

Reality setting in like formed concrete in my heart

I can’t breathe… Honestly… This girl needs a doc…

Something burns her stomach… Please…

An anti anxiety for the delusion paranoia hallucinatory day

She is about to have one of the worst days of her life so far…

The mind has the power to destroy; no holds bar.

Something inside her won’t…

Let go… and… It makes her want to die…

She decided to run…

“I don’t want to die, I want to live…”

She cries*

“Rest in peace and see you… on the other side of this”.

 

-Nina

Unnatural – Nina

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You ever wonder if this is all a little too right?

Or a little too wrong?

If life was previously scripted?

Would that explain the mystic?

Or am i being superstitious that god would hold me like he’s superficial.

Haunted taunted and flaunted; fraud, a masquerade ; a facade ascertained:

Such… Immense Pain

From the darkness of which I abide; just simply trying to hide

From everything.

Wondering if life is a cruel joke and I’m the punchline…

I’m just indulging you in my psychotic life enduced paranoia

Pretend your me for just a moment

Everything I’ve ever done and seen and been did a god condone it?

I have extremed hightened senses that might implement the actions of a lunatic

A full moon is lit and the night is luminous

You must be new to this…

Welcome to a place where you’re not afraid to die because if you don’t die you’re afraid they’ll die because we all came here to die.

No lie.

I haven’t slept in days; its been about a week and I’m a subject of 21st century ways

How unnatural is this age

It can make anybody crazy

Maybe?

 

-Nina

 

 

I’ve tried to conquer this. – Nina

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I’ve seen so sick for so long.

This is hard to type;

wondering for how long… this is going to be my life.

I’m trapped in this.

I can’t remain calm, when my bodily chemistry feels like napalm.

Something to scorch the pain

Somebody torch the way

This is torture;

I live with day to day.

I’m up and down but mostly down

and it’s down deep

Hoping I don’t go down so far that you can’t find me

As the tears stream down my face

It’s hard to face the days

I need this pain to go away.

Hard to see

Hard to speak

Hard to breathe

Please …

Help me God

I need peace.

-Nina

When Dreams and Reality Mix – Nina Yin Slam Poetry

 

When dreams and reality mix; my mind twist space n time.

Sentences in my mind incomplete and jumbled.

The pain is unbearable and I can’t focus.

The thought train is overwhelming grandiose negative paranoia.

I lose track of myself and memories begin to be erased.

Chase down 3 seconds of comfort; only refuge from this place.

Alone with my screaming demons, what is the reason.

Enhanced senses, feeling too much and too deeply.

Dreading the next breath I’m light headed.

Subconscious embedded schizophrenic essence.

Tears run down my face, my lover can’t help be afraid.

Interlaced emotions continue to confuse, I’ve lost my view.

Distrusting earth, corrupting everything I’ve seen from birth.

There’s nowhere to run or hide. I continue to gun this fight.

I’m a soldier fuck this shit. I’ve done this shit a hundred times.

Switch my mindstate from afraid to irate.

I’m right the world is Fucked Up…

I’d Love to make it better tomorrow just weather this storm.

This isn’t even real, what I feel; it’s chemical sorrow.

What good is a good day without bad ones. I’m attached to this aura.

I’m glad I can come out on top….

I was trapped and caught up….

Strapped to a mattress and shot up…

 

Nina

Bipolar described in poetry. By Nina

When dreams and reality mix; my mind twist space n time.

Sentences in my mind incomplete and jumbled.

The pain is unbearable and I can’t focus.

The thought train is overwhelming grandiose negative paranoia.

I lose track of myself and memories begin to be erased.

Chase down 3 seconds of comfort; only refuge from this place.

Alone with my screaming demons, what is the reason.

Enhanced senses, feeling too much and too deeply.

Dreading the next breath I’m light headed.

Subconscious embedded schizophrenic essence.

Tears run down my face, my lover can’t help be afraid.

Interlaced emotions continue to confuse, I’ve lost my view.

Distrusting earth, corrupting everything I’ve seen from birth.

There’s nowhere to run or hide. I continue to gun this fight.

I’m a soldier fuck this shit. I’ve done this shit a hundred times.

Switch my mindstate from afraid to irate.

I’m right the world is Fucked Up…

I’d Love to make it better tomorrow just weather this storm.

This isn’t even real, what I feel; it’s chemical sorrow.

What good is a good day without bad ones. I’m attached to this aura.

I’m glad I can come out on top….

I was trapped and caught up….

Strapped to a mattress and shot up…

 

Nina

Lost-Memoirs of hallucinatory delusions and psychosis. – Nina

mistymountains_by_taenaron-d6i3a1pI don’t know when this all began….It’s kind of a blur. Okay, it’s really a blur.

I remember being by the river with junkies. Calling them my friends but not knowing their names. Skater junkies, one of them was homeless and I was his tour guide for the day. They were smoking meth or crack from a lightbulb, I’m not really sure…

I might have been smoking weed because  I know I was euphoricphoric and anxious treading through the hot sun from park to park, malnourished.

Something inside me cracked.

Dynamite in the distance.  They  say It’s supposed to be stolen, kids stealing small dynamite from the railroad companies.

I don’t even know what year it was..

Next thing I remember I was at home.

But I really remember the windows. Night

The upstairs windows reflected evil and translucent, mysterious in nature, watching me; From all angles because in my delirious mind windows had the capability to watch me from different angles but…. someone was showing me exactly what they wanted me to see and I knew it was not real. Like the outside world was just a TV screen, the world I knew was non existent.

The television early the next morning was somewhat of a magic window as well but…Through THIS magic window I see visions dancing and shimmering along the grass. I am young I’m just a kid who’s lost somewhere… I look through the window… a kid like me. Is that me? Under a tree where beautiful poems foretell my future. I see me. Painting and about to embark on my destiny.

This positivity couldn’t last long ….amidst a war…

…. But I hadnt been sleeping. …Amplified sounds, dynamite and gunshots, bangs and chainsaws, screaming echoing throughout this valley… you could say… .slightly distracting me?

Ambushing enemies by jumping directly through the window is something odd I had to do… to enlighten the world….because whispering in my ear, in reality I was whispering to myself but in my mind it was them, they were begging for it.

I know I’mm being watched…. Through other magic windows…I’m scared“I think that this is too unreal but I can’t wake up from this nightmare.

. .I sense a Mass suicide along the musty mountains, especially in the daytime… on my journeys through the neighborhood market and community bus gypsies and fortune tellers can see my darkness they sense it’s truth and they have been long storytellers.

But I am a goddess. God or what have you. Some sort of luminous being… bringing compassion. Flashbacks on my goals to save the world….I call out to them but I’m laughed at and called an imposter by my mother. My own mother

Not only my mother but the media as well. They portrayed me pissing on the tree of life but the truth was far from it.

I was watching anime on a 13 inch TV . A war episode, maybe gundam wing…

Fighter jets and gunships rattle my cottage on the ocean faster than the speed of sound so I jump out the window and they are already gone. The beauty of my delusional ideology literally brought to life in front of my face.

I’ve stopped taking my medication because I still didn’t understand what was going on with me… I spend my time wandering the neighborhood…..

there’s a baby crying. Why crying? What does it mean. Why am I here? I walk in and am threatened and arrested moments after. I had no idea what was going on….

Not before long I am captured down the dusty alley. Taken and stripped naked following multiple injections. Solitary confinement; a prisoner of war in my own eyes to be tortured and experimented on (partial truths) cloned, drugged, raped and interrogated in my mind….

“Why are you so scared?”  The doctors ask. “What are you afraid of….”.

I’m afraid of you. Devils in suits… I thought.

Alone and afraid I hear a piano from the distance. It’s.. so beautiful and I begin to cry. Harder than I’ve ever cried. I was thankful for something so deep. A change. A friend….

I made a friend with the music and a friend with Ali…. for a moment all at ease….

I made my escape after 2 weeks.  But I think I’m getting lost again. It’s easy to get lost in these mountains… the mountains by the ocean….. “it’s not the same any more is it?” Ali asked.

“No” I replied. ” it’s not,”.

Dedicated to Ali.

Rest in Peace.

By Nina Shade Vestergaard