Drowned sorrows

I am an addict; since twelve

Ive delved.

Weed, crack, heroin, crystal, mushrooms, lsd

More than all of these

Alcohol consumes me

I consume it; fluent in being a nuisance

Constantly picking up shattered pieces

My hands and heart are bleeding

The world seems iced and freezing

Do I still have meaning

Purpose

Am II worthless

These are the questions I ask Looking back at my past

Im trying so hard to keep compusure

Trauma upon trauma with no closure

My central nervous system is shot

So im constantly nervous

Everybody thinks Im happy but that’s just a surface

Im not trying to complain we all have pain

I wanna remain on this plain of love and gains

Music and poetry; the essence of me knowing me

That Im not such a terrible girl

That’s I have so much to offer the world

But Im crying out for help to all my friends and love

I cant do this alone sometimes Im looking above

Can god help me out a bit

Ive fallen and I can never seem to get out of it

A rhyming rant chant of the addict

Sobriety day one; let me have a crack at it.

 

Sobriety

Sobriety was something I had previously thought to be unattainable; the anxiety of life too much to bear without substance, without alcohol. I needed it for almost anything and usually there was no stopping me from obtaining it; and always wanting more. A vicious cycle of dependence which could not be broken. Thank god I was wrong.

I am currently 8 months sober and the benefits have reached and blessed every aspect of life. I have less anxiety, less illnesses, less arguments, less confusion, less injury, less financial burdens and I could go on forever. Most importantly I have accepted buddha and my sobriety go hand in hand on this path that I have chosen.

There are so many ways to conquer demons of which used to control my life. Im finding myself in meditation everywhere I go and every day that I stay. It is very important for my day to day balance to practice the teachings of various meditations and perhaps my writings can lead others to finding a healthier balance in life regardless of religious belief or path.

Thats all for now.

Love Nina

Born

I have been reborn over and over but… This time is different I’ve never been sober for this long; decades of relentless; alcohol dependence

The days are in the hundreds; gather abundance; knowledge. Confront my fears try to be humble and acknowledge.

Keep focus; meditation half lotus. Buddha quotes rewrote them post them. Try to be open.

Lessons learned; a great deal. I wait still. Time stands still. The virtue of patience.

As I await, awake here.

The Tao of Wu; Rza Quote

Jotting my journal away! – Nina

Journaling is kind of funny on here because it is very random writing for me. Yet it seems to get more views than other posts.  If you clicked here and don’t know me I’m Nina, I am 27 years old and a happily transgender female living on the west coast of Canada (Lovely Vancity). I tend to blog a lot of art, graffiti, poetry, Buddhism related stuff and ocasionally indulge into my life; its ups and downs or spirals down rabbit holes / or perhaps blasting to the moon.

I’m in a great place at this point in my journey and I am really appreciative of friends family and supporters through my m2f transition that occurred for a large portion of my life.  So if you’re reading this, thank you. Also helping to smooth over my recovery from substance abuse and dealing with bipolar and shit that comes along with it, particularly my girlfriend, I love you hun. Thank you.

When I say I am happily trans its because I don’t carry any burdens along with me. I don’t dwell on if I could’ve been born a woman or transitioned sooner. Maybe everything happens at a certain time for a certain reason; I am not really sure, but in this moment it feels right; and I know I am in the right place. And with this: Hoping my life can reach out a hand a little bit; letting people know with growth comes healing.

The studies and posts I do regarding Buddhism, Zen and Tao are important in a large sense and perhaps I should not be the one wording the dharma or explaining it but… I will say that I have grown as a person because of it and it has taken me on journeys I did not think possible. It has also helped with my creativity, focus and recovery from abuse. So I try my best to share that. Untainted.

I have been spending a lot of time with my lover and it’s been wonderful. And although I have relapsed and I have had anxiety and I have been psychotic…

I’m doing good. I am still working on it  and “keep it movin'”.   Always!—- forward.

Today I am just chillin’ at home and watching time slowly pass by. Drawing and reading and  I’m happily typing away and wishing all of you the best wherever you want to go.

Stay beautiful, stay strong.

Peace

Nina

 

 

 

— fightorflights

via — fightorflights