Journaling ramble Jot

Waking up… Its different here; not as calm being as that I am not the only early riser. 15 days sober and simply trying to get through every day. Not that I am not happy. I am happy. There are so many things I am thankful for and that I love dearly… Today I dont know what I will do but Im hoping today is bliss. Days can be bliss if you allow them to be.

Sidenote; I think I may have slept on my arm as my ribcage is a little sore.

I have someone whom I love dearly. She makes me smile so hard… So I tell her I love her as much as I can. Its too bad that covid has led to our relationship existing from such a distance but we strive to keep our sacred love and happiness alive. I can be patient.

I am happy! My room is now a pink little nest in which I find great comfort. The weather has been much cooler the past week which calms the mind during the summer heat. I also have quit smoking; something I wasnt sure would ever happen. Drinking is one thing but ciggarettes are a bitch! Go me…

Thats all for now

-Nina

Therapies in rhyme

Therapies in rhyme

Soon i will arise a year of sober eyes

Many tears i cried my brother overdosed i ask why

Im the one survived, perhaps i

Carry the torch, the earth scorches

I breathe deeply emptiness of emotions

Read the dhamma build my karma

Love life like the kamma sutra

I position munitions menouver

Vancouver my throne home for the millennia

Deaths wreek havoc on my familia

Meth, crack, down and alcohol

We all drowned sorrows so i build

For a better tomorrow

My auras ever change cause impermanence

This is the only permanent

I observe the shifts

Heres a tip

Cherish the single moment

And envision it as bliss

Nina

Sobriety

Sobriety was something I had previously thought to be unattainable; the anxiety of life too much to bear without substance, without alcohol. I needed it for almost anything and usually there was no stopping me from obtaining it; and always wanting more. A vicious cycle of dependence which could not be broken. Thank god I was wrong.

I am currently 8 months sober and the benefits have reached and blessed every aspect of life. I have less anxiety, less illnesses, less arguments, less confusion, less injury, less financial burdens and I could go on forever. Most importantly I have accepted buddha and my sobriety go hand in hand on this path that I have chosen.

There are so many ways to conquer demons of which used to control my life. Im finding myself in meditation everywhere I go and every day that I stay. It is very important for my day to day balance to practice the teachings of various meditations and perhaps my writings can lead others to finding a healthier balance in life regardless of religious belief or path.

Thats all for now.

Love Nina

About me. A return

Its been a very long time since I have been away from WordPress. Id like to come back to this and reintroduce myself. My name is Nina and I’m 31 years old. Im a Buddhist, a step mother, an artist and a trans woman. I started this blog while living in a homeless shelter many years ago and I can remember walking across the street to the coffee shop to do my daily blogging every morning. I had originally thought i would simply write about living on the streets, but. It became much more than that.

Im returning now as many things have changed. I got married and am looking after a young one. I am sober. For the first time in my life. Something like 8 or 9 months. It has been easy but it hasn’t. I am very thankful for this morning; an opportunity to speak and place another step on this path. The path of buddha, sobriety, motherhood, art and most importantly love.

Im not sure where to begin but I suppose I already have. So since I have been gone; budhism has truly become my path. I have realized there is no place for alcohol in a buddhist. I see the dhamma now as the only path to be on. I am also a visual artist. A graffiti writer and painter. I am shocked and happy to say that art is my profession yet am still but what you would call the starving artist. But I am happy.

Sobriety was taken away from me by the age of 13. So 17 years of usage which is more than half of my life and pretty much the entirety of my adult life. I have found new ways to enjoy life, to cope with pain and anxiety. As i write i feel like the lotus blooming from the mud.

Hello everyone. Im here again. Im back

Love Nina

Thank you for the support. And always keep it movin’.

The stress of being a trans girl and manic depressive is sometimes overwhelming but I feel as though I always come out on top. Sure I have my days of dysphoria or anxiety to the point of panic attacks and teardrops. But I also have days that I conquer the world; constantly doing things I didn’t think I could do and have never done before. Few months ago I was living in the streets and not knowing what was going to happen;  and that didn’t even bother me so much in the cold of winter, I just knew I was safe, and I was too strong to let it take me over. Being in the homeless shelter didn’t even make me flinch. Now I’m living in a beautiful spot and STILL sober. STILL not slummin’ my life away for the fuck of it. Honestly… You got to just keep it movin’.

I used to use every excuse in the book to pick up bottles and self indulge in anything and everything self indulgence means…

When we have our bad days we aught to use them even more wisely than the good days. Some of my best writing, art and videos are from the worst moments in my life. You can use your pain as power. When you do shit you’re afraid of doing just cause you can it brings you to a whole new place. When my girlfriend helped release me from many shells I was hiding in; I was again reborn. Always being reborn. She’s the world to me and I couldn’t do it on my own. And the streets showed me that I’m part of something bigger than just myself and my life. I’ve been told that I inspire people; I dont know how much of an inspiration I can be but I guess that I am truly trying, so thank you to everyone showing me support.

It truly means the world.

Nina

The Saga Of Nina. Estrogen Emotional Riding

Pushing 100 days sober and struggling daily is the norm; composure is hard to hold for me. Im not the type to complain so I’ll just say I’m proud of myself for conquering these days and coming out on top. But I cried yesterday. I cried myself to sleep; over the last 6 months I have been a lot, doing a lot of crying; perhaps I had not realized that estrogen would leave me so emotionally vunerable. One day is amazing and then one day is terrible. I woke up this morning and threw up, no idea why… I’m quite delicate… needy… I cried myself to sleep because I could only see negative and its hard to pull your mind out of the gutter, it really is. I worked very hard all day to keep my mind state positive but eventually it cracked. It feels amazing though; to wake up… and have another day to try again.

Although yesterday was painful; I definitely experienced a spiritual awakening, it felt empowering and liberating. A feeling that anything I want to do is possible and that I have the power inside me to bring a little more compassion into the world, to myself, my family and eventually the world… As you read this I want you to know that you have this power inside you as well.

What do I want to do today? This is important to me: Another day to try again!  If it involves my girlfriend, sunshine or skateboarding I think I would be content. No, I would be estatic. My girl is asleep in the next room n I just wished she was up to start this day. Codependant indeed… I miss her even when she’s here; its hard to explain… I crave her touch, her eyes and her smile, her words and to just be in her essence and when she is literally gone its often a struggle. She changed my life in ways words cannot express and still, love is hard. Also extremely hard to uh… explain … I love her.

Thinking of the near future and my inner buddha vandal: I have a bunch of aerosol cans: Pink, black and white and I’m definitely going to be painting something soon; I have a wall in mind… Flowers.

Nina

 

 

 

Skating, Photography and Sobriety

 

Sobriety has left me with a serious amount of time on my hands and at first I saw it as a burden (because I’m an idiot) but have now realized it’s a great blessing for me to peruse anything I want. I don’t have many friends in the City anymore for various reasons but that just leaves me with even more freedom; not having to please anyone or be urged into getting back into drugs and alcohol. It feels really good to be writing this right now because I can see a version of me; she is happy and free.

I’m feeling extremely positive, leaving the depression behind me and conquering the anxiety. One thing I’m excited about is skating, I went and got my skateboard re-gripped yesterday and am dreaming of all the concrete possibilities. I started skateboarding back when I was 6 years old after my next door neighbors held a block party with a half pipe. My curiosity led my parents to allow me complete freedom with my skate, turning the steep hills of my neighborhood to race tracks for adrenaline chasing little kids like me and my friends. Skateboarding never left my life, I’ve fractured my knee and tore my ACL skating so I’m cautious but it didn’t stop me or slow me down. I’ve been skating the park down the street a few times since we moved into this new place; it’s an odd one but I’m so Damn thankful it’s there.

Another passion of mine I have more time to persue is photography and film. I’m not really sure what to tell you about that other than that I live in an extremely beautiful and diverse city in Vancouver; so even a day of just strolling around with my camera could be a great day in itself.

The weather forecast for the next week is hot and sunny.

Wish me luck.

Nina

Depression/Anxiety/Bipolar? Relapse? Fuck that.-Checking in with Nina

Outside it is pouring a warm rain, I’ve left the door wide open, just listening. Drinking my coffee wishing I had slept in but that’s never the case for me. The rain is beautiful and calming and I know warm weather is coming soon and I desperately need it, Sun and exploration. I have a Canon rebel hoping to be out doing street photography shoots and skate videos. Walking the city and hiking the mountains. I know. Good times are coming.

I’m still enjoying my transition; I shouldn’t even call it that because I feel complete. Instead: I’m enjoying life as a woman. I don’t have dysphoria for the most part. Sometimes I don’t even wear makeup and simply rely on my natural beauty; which feels good. I love shopping and building a never-ending wardrobe, I love doing my makeup and picking my outfits or wearing the intimate types for me or my girlfriend and my life is a thousand times better this way.

I’m climbing out of my depressive state; slowly but surely. Taking my blog seriously and taking life seriously around 100 days sober. It’s taken some getting used to coming from using my whole life and recently living in the the shelter to my beautiful home and completely sober but I’m extremely hopeful for the future; letting go of destructive uses of time and onto the constructive… I’m supposed to be tapering down my anxiety meditation but I might have to tell my doctor that I’m actually not ready for that. The thought of battling it without meditation is just… ugh. My anxiety still has a firm grip on me basically; not for any particular reason, it’s just my bipolar.

So basically I’m just overcoming, striving to be better than I was yesterday and holding onto the positives that keep me going. Extremely blessed and lucky: to be alive, to be with my love, having a home and infinite opportunities to grasp and work with. As for anxiety/depression/bipolar, I’m just going to take control of my life and ride the shit out. I’ve been through way too much in this life to let that shit control me. Fuck that.

Nina

Rhyme therapy. Poetic outcry.

Just writing shit. Passing time. Outlashing rhyme.

Is Concrete freedom? Completely completing me?

I feel like I’m depleting…

Too much time… so here I rhyme.

I got a good girl, good world. I’m in love.

Word therapy it’s scaring me cause words release and reveal disparity.

The repressed stress that impales / my chest… I let the rest of my rhymes set sail. 

Every day listening to the rain, it washes pain away.

I want to get up, but it looks like imma do it on a later day.

Now: Trynna bail… out….I fell off.. or fell out… I feel like I’m doing nothing when I’m sitting here alone with my own”self.”…

I’m too used to street tops / we walked the block in reboks / more miles than Enoch / up n down like seasaws.

…then hop trains to the seashore. Drink more. I need more,

Fuck, I bleed for freedom like firey Vietnam napalm. 

I’m going awal.

God Damn I seen it all, drove me up the walls….

No sentiment to what I representing in this moment. Alone, Heckle myself. Jeckle?

Fuck it, Hyde… but wise with pretty eyes.

No doctor could ever calm my storms. Before they’d have to lock up me up to disarm my sword cause I was hardened up in numerous spots, reclusive to the marks n whites. Selling anything up, down. it could be hard n white. Sparks n darkness all around us so I got up n I got a Mic. White boy, the homie in disguise, still I rise, no demise, what? Gutter minded, smooth like butter out the housing projects.. That I would drowse in / n drowning…. in problems no solving it, just dissolve it. Mixing pills w potions in my cup of cauldron burning hottest notions. The Urban junglist psychlobin fungus n coco leaf under my tongue it’s.. MDMA in my nose and it’s disgusting. Welfare Glutton.

Like:Fuck it.

But Im survival against the rival, which is self, close minded to changing my mind, my mind is always shrouded dark clouded in madness to death. Always trying to redesign, redefine, n read in between the lines. Inclining myself refining self and it’s a crucial time.

But…

Now that I’m reclusive.

Introduced to the sobriety. Inducing nothingness including no substance to my mindstate. That was then, this is now …. Now… This is my mindstate… soberly irate. Am I trying to find me? Do these words serve a purpose? I think I make people nervous. I’m unafraid. I was the underage murderous on the curb sip serve swerving it or serving it.

That then. This is now, now. so true. How I gonna get through this? What am I supposed to do? I’m so new to.

this…

Nina

 

 

 

 

About me :) Pt. 5

I’m 50 days clean and sober which is more than I can honestly say I’ve ever done in any past attempts. When my anxiety gets bad I think how far I’ve come from being homeless just a few months ago to a beautiful apartment in my most desired neighborhood…

I liked to party… or maybe a more serious way to put it, I liked to get Fucked Up… and also self medicated in extremely dangerous mixes of substance and situations, seriously Fucked Up situations I put myself in to do so. I can’t begin to describe how lucky I feel to be alive. Daunting memories and situations I have to try to deal with and leave in the past.

Lucky for me, after um… using random shit for 10 years or more, I never died in my sleep nor physically hurt anyone other than myself as far as I know. I worry so dearly about all the people I grew close to and It’s great to see my close friends in a recovery zone too, we’re all in this together and nothing is easy to do alone.

Art is so important, expression and the act of simple creativity. That’s an addiction I can never, ever… leave behind. Blogging has been a great outlet, something to look forward to when I wake up, read articles and poetry and sharing a little bit of what inspires me and keeps me grounded. I’d say it’s played a positive role in my life, recovery (whatever you want to call it). I don’t think blogging about my experience in the streets is in store anytime soon but I thought it would be a nice note to leave the world that… I’ve been through a lot but, I’m doing better than alright.

Peace n love.

Nina