Tag Archives: Trans girl

Nina Shade ( Nina Yin) Goodnightnina – Dreams / Every Night (Slam poetry over J Dilla)

Lyrics:

Dreams….

I dream every night. It’s like I don’t sleep; I’m far to busy venturing down rivers and streams, painting infinite trains.

My dreams are what dreams are made of. My mind is the money so the vacation is paid up.

Tropical paradises on every turn. Gorgeous baby blue pools with pearls twirling my world.

I can fly if I want to, take off  better than Peter pan. But the tricky part is always the land.

My dreams got music so I wake up singing love. Lyrics that no conscious mind could think of or use it

My dreams have more amusing amusement parks than Cali and Dubai put together. Damn my subconcious got its shit together.

Nightmares worst than Steven kings, but I’ve been a horror flick since I was a kid.

But this is real time 3d and if it’s too deep I wake up n have some tea.

I dream every night; its deep.

Every.

Single.

Night.

I get lost in pitch black Like I’m Trippin on LSD

Painting pictures I can never “see” , clearer than glass to my mind when it computes it.

But my minds far more complex. More convex it sees more than I can comprehend.

How many times I saw the end or woke up to a new beginning, open my eyes and the rooms spinning,

Damn I’m dizzy that was trippy.

What were those lyrics I heard angels signings?

I turn the light on.

I got the light, write before it’s gone.

Pick up a pen and write down this midnight song.

-Nina

Thank you for the support. And always keep it movin’.

The stress of being a trans girl and manic depressive is sometimes overwhelming but I feel as though I always come out on top. Sure I have my days of dysphoria or anxiety to the point of panic attacks and teardrops. But I also have days that I conquer the world; constantly doing things I didn’t think I could do and have never done before. Few months ago I was living in the streets and not knowing what was going to happen;  and that didn’t even bother me so much in the cold of winter, I just knew I was safe, and I was too strong to let it take me over. Being in the homeless shelter didn’t even make me flinch. Now I’m living in a beautiful spot and STILL sober. STILL not slummin’ my life away for the fuck of it. Honestly… You got to just keep it movin’.

I used to use every excuse in the book to pick up bottles and self indulge in anything and everything self indulgence means…

When we have our bad days we aught to use them even more wisely than the good days. Some of my best writing, art and videos are from the worst moments in my life. You can use your pain as power. When you do shit you’re afraid of doing just cause you can it brings you to a whole new place. When my girlfriend helped release me from many shells I was hiding in; I was again reborn. Always being reborn. She’s the world to me and I couldn’t do it on my own. And the streets showed me that I’m part of something bigger than just myself and my life. I’ve been told that I inspire people; I dont know how much of an inspiration I can be but I guess that I am truly trying, so thank you to everyone showing me support.

It truly means the world.

Nina

Feeling positive; Just jotting like a journal.

 

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I’m quite thankful to be alive and well, writing away; although I feel a serious writers block. Fuck writers block. Ill just start typing. They say to just write anyways so…Im happy!

The hot weather is extremely overdue in my life so I’m sunbathing lots lately; catching a tan and spending far more time outside. Last summer is when I met my love, bringing me extremely positive vibes.

I’m rarely anxious or dysphoric lately and generally just feeling pretty Damn good; finding myself dancing, drawing and going out without even bothering to do my makeup. I don’t always need it to feel “pretty” so I can just be me. No worries. On the note of dysphoria; Ordering my birth certificate today to get my name change going (also extremely overdue). My girlfriend has done it now I’m playing catch up. It’s going to be a long, brutal process but it’s all good.

Right now I’m staying at my parents house helping them with their move into a new home in July, they are selling the house I grew up in which might not hit me till later but now I’m happy for them because they got a nice new spot lined up. Changes for me? Nothing major lately but I’m going to be seeing my girlfriend this week for a week straight instead of on and off which makes me happy.

Very happy.

Yes. Good times.

-Nina

Fresh Audacity – Nina

Once upon a time Audastic girl named Nina

A Martr – Cause being trans only made me harder

An international abstract – in these the concrete walls

These bars like prison cells -and  my oz have you staring in awe

Fresh out the prison with the wisdom.

No God for me I am not controlled by a religion…

With my pen and my pad, I create my own fate.

No fads or facades , I stay-fresh like Colgate. 😉

-Nina

Waking Up at 3 Am. About me & Journaling

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Melancholy mood as I wonder why I get up so early, I was in a deep and dreamy sleep. I’m happy to be up and alive but… Dysphoria has come back into my life lately which is very odd for me. For those who don’t know “dysphoria” it is basically meaning I’m not seeing the girl I usually see in the mirror. It’s like, not recognizing her. That’s not me… it’s dysphoria about gender. And it’s painful. Counting my burdens and my blessings.

My moods are slowly stabilizing since I’m back on my anxiety meditation as of two days ago which is great but I’m still not feeling 100%. I wish it were as simple as simply snapping out of a negative mind state or taking a pill, but that’s rarely the case for people with mood disorders and anxiety such as myself. Plus the dysphoria thing… Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for the most part yesterday and this morning but there’s a swing of moods that I can’t dodge forever.

I’m hoping to conquer these issues one way or another and one step at a time. I’m still sober, around 90 days, I’m not having problems budgeting my money and I’m almost finished my probational period for the graffiti charges following me for the last year and a half. I have an amazing partner who’s helping me with all of this and encouraging me to channel my creativity. Also rebuilding a relationship with my family as I wasn’t the easiest child; having bipolar disorder and substance issues, my family are happy to see me doing so well in these aspects.

Thinking of buying a new laptop soon because I’m a very creative, visual and musical soul. This tablet just isn’t cutting it.

Much love:

Nina

Journaling exercise mind map. Photo of me at Buddhist Association of Vancouver

Where I want to go with my work:

Hosting groups, writing and music groups and helping with food banks around greater Vancouver. Non for profit organizations and homeless shelters or helping teach art and video production for at risk youth. Possibly helping lgbt groups for adults or youth. Collaborating with community art or gardening projects.

With my art:

Exploring myself, practicing Buddhist art and attempting to incorporate it into my graffiti. Writing more in depth personal blog posts and articles surrounding important world issues and politics. NOT GETTING ARRESTED. Taking time to do what is important ; needing to be done.

Spirituality:

Continue practicing meditation daily; the more the better. Reading and writing surrounding Zen and Zen Buddhism. Remaining focussed on vegetarianism / healthy diet. Going green, reducing plastic use and composting/ recycling.