Poetry. Rhyme form. J dilla.

Its amazing how far Ive come and surpassed the times
Meditate to elate and relax my mind
Through the ups and the downs the goods and the bads
Don’t hold out on me now; cause life is over too fast
Im up early today; just like I’m s’posed to
Working on the rhymes; nothing else comes close to
The freedom of a pen and a page
Long before the sunrise because its the zen of the day
And I aint worried about a damn thang
Peace to anyone listening; I hope your life is filled with blessing
Kick back watch the stars aligned for your design
The motion of the mind cosmic with the sky
Now the third eye mines alive and steady scopin’
I fill your mind up with my word that’s outspoken
Please know; Im out; Open
Commence to start the smokin
Igniting the minds of those who feel hopeless.

Hook:
We rise fall like sunrise and sunset
Devise a plot. We come rise and come get
Living for today
Tomorow don’t exist
With dreams of yesterdays just blowing in the wind
We rise fall like sunrise and sunset
Devise a plot. We come rise and come get
Living for today
Tomorow don’t exist
With dreams of yesterdays just blowing in the wind

The beautifully free
Picking the fruits from the tree
Asking eachother “Like, who you gonna be”
And she’s lookin’ at me.
But aint nothin for free.
So I said ” Im gonna hustle, you gotta hustle to eat”.
Now I knew; I was just taking the easy way out
Cause god got my back and putting food in my mouth
But I always wanted more; movin’ about with a clout
I should have stayed on a path but I took another route
Years gone past and I seen the same sister
The hustle was a struggle and I really fucking missed her
The freedom we had; can I go back to the past
So I turned to the girl and asked…
“What you want to be?”

Black and white…. me. “Pride”

People.”Some people”… think being transgender is wrong. It’s unnatural and disgusting, That I’m disgraceful. Looking at myself: Being myself, Expressing myself. ; I have absolutely no idea what they are taking about.

-Nina

I am Strong. I am Beautiful…

And I will “DESTROY” what ever life decides to throw at me.

Journaling and thoughts on manifestation of future self. – Nina

I feel like if you believe strong enough something will happen. No matter how far away it is. If you start walking toward it; realizing it or not. You’re going to get there. Through the universes law of attraction. Good things and bad things and everything in between can be manifested. – Nina

5:00 AM July 23rd.

Coffee brews and the sky slightly lit and the neighbourhood in silence, other than the sounds of the frogs that live in the gutters. I’m tired but, not too tired to write. Finally my mind has readjusted back to the before sunrise wake-up time. So; I’m up before my alarm goes off and I quickly silence it.  Todays forecast is sunny n clouds with a high of 22 n a low of 14. Awake and alone as I’ve been for months in the morning. The day is young, and its mine…

Yes I’m alone; always alone in the morning n thats cool with me. Realizing lately that it’s okay to be alone, although it wasn’t easy for me to come to accept that notion. Being happy with ones own company is important for growth as a person and it give you time to think and I’ve been thinking a lot.

Thinking about the future and… An odd thing to feel is that you have manifested all of the aspects of your life to come together into a certain way; almost perfectly in sync… Seriously, the laws of attraction gives you these things you wanted and you try and ask yourself what you really want next? “What do I want?” and “Why do I want that?” or “How am I going to get that / there?” . How do I begin the process of manifesting once again? I honestly don’t know where I want to be heading next…

There are ways to try to manifest and realize / actualize your future through brain and mind maps; collages and lists of goals or visions of yourself in the future and I’ve used them several times which helped me get to many of the steps I’ve amounted to. Perhaps it’s time to rekindle the idea of manifesting through creativity and hard work and exploring ideas of what I really want for the rest of my life.

Luckily I’m alive today; Healthy with an opportunity to go after anything that I want. I don’t have anything holding me back (other than an anxiety disorder) but everyone has issues with that one way or another and I know that I’m extremely lucky for the freedom to choose any path… that, and as well as having all the supports I need… I am not in this alone…

Just alone in this physical moment.

At 5:00 AM July 23rd.

With love,

Nina

 

 

Me reading: Each step, only once. ; poetry reading.

“Keep going!” she said…

The tears

They stream down my face.

On a breakdown verge.

An… Apocalypse

Of the mind

Shattered pieces of life

Ashes

Something is heard through my sobbing…

Hearing myself as a child.

Screaming at me…

Screaming through space and time

At the top of her lungs

Through the years of pain and anguish

She screams.

“Keep going! Your almost there!”.

I hear her…

and I turn away from my nightmare….

wipe my chin*

“Thank you”.

I say back to her…

And place one more step

And then another…

Towards the concept…

The idea…

Of freedom…

And all of its glory.

 

-Nina

 

The Internal and External Struggle For The “Transgender” Soul

When I was around the age of 14 I looked into the mirror late one evening… I saw a surprised young female staring back at me and little did I know the perils facing me in the next coming decade…. Growing up as a rambunctious hoodlum I was extremely oblivious of the world around me. Although I was a sponge of all brands of culture I had no real concept of what it meant to see yourself a little different. I am now 27 years old, socially and self aware; finally am speaking to professionals about my ambition to be my opposite gender.

Internally the struggle to live as a functioning transgender member of society is indifferent and extremely additive to an already visually polluted and corrupted mind set of the world today. The DSM |V is a diagnostic statistics manual for mental health disorder’s. In the DSM they have recently changed the “gender identity disorder” to “gender dysmorphic disorder” or “gender dysphoria”. Dysphoric basically means that one does not feel right being “the norm” they believe that they must be different from what some may expect them to be (at least they removed disorder). Regardless, professional opinion is that if one dresses or acts beyond the expectation it is beyond the “norm”. I say fuck your expectations but hey… thanks for noticing we exist.

Transgender youth are at higher risk for numerous violent crimes, murders, suicides and other unpredictable circumstances in North North America. Externally we truly have a lot of monumental atrocities to deal with at this period in history, but at the same time “We Out Here” trying to change things fo’ yo’ kids! No body wants to be the subject of extreme bullying, hate crimes, gay/trans bashing ect, ect, ect. More and more people are “outing” and “coming out”, we are all dealing with this on one level or another. Thank you to all of the people fighting every day for a more accepting and loving society.

As we fight this never-ending battle with the world and with ourselves, its our soul whom we owe the victor. You are your own biggest fan! Trust in yourself and thus in your life because some say in the end… “thats all you have”. But give thanks to all your friends and family love them dearly from here to the ends of the earth because it doesn’t matter if you gay, straight, trans or bi. We all here together and nobody wants to live a lie.

-Nina

Trans Pride: A Higher Cause (Poetry) – Nina

Reblogg Poetry

GoodnightNina.

I am…

The Type of writer who lites fires with typewriters.

Trans pride; n its a quite higher:

cause.

Despite my minor flaws I write because.

I’m…

Inspired by role models and not cold bottles.

No more sorrow.

I’m trans and…

Trans transgender pride; my gender why?

In splendor I; am utterly myself.

Selfishly no; selfless by being oneself with.

All that I can and possibly will.

If I didn’t; I’d probably be ill.

Although it really needs no commentary.

On the contrary I still see a bigots daily

I’m doing fine but I can imagine somewhere out there…

Someone is terrified of being themselves

I see this clearly.

Now a common occurring; non obscuring event.

I present myself to the world plus my 2 cents.

Have a conscience; discriminatory nonsense.

Happiness lays around the corner for many.

Plenty if we; could set an example and

Simply be free.

Nina

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Being transgender is more exiting.

I didn’t have the typical story of knowing I was a girl at a very young age. I grew into it naturally like a new pair of shoes. It’s exciting to me; everyday is exiting to get dressed and do my makeup and be me! It’s beautiful. The days spent out or the days shut in…. they represent me and they represent freedom. I am not the transgender girl complaining about the surrounding world, I am the lucky one passing day by the ”Practically” unscathed. Practically but most definitely not entirely. Imma keep stomping on. .

About me in-depth. Nina.

Through the shrouded memories I take glimpses of my memories on earth; in this city I call home, it feels sometimes like I have seen it and been through it all. Even as 2 genders, a straight male, a lesbian. From a young boy to a grown woman; it is beautiful in my own eyes. My addiction to change was constant; I went from a high school drop out to a graduated mental health worker with some of the highest marks in my class. From a drug dealer to a volunteer in many of the cities outreach facilities. From a sexual exhibitionist to a faithful monogamous relationship with my present girlfriend. I was homeless countless times since the age of 15. In and out of the court system since as early as 13…

One of my first charges: possession of a controlled substance with intent to traffic. I’m a genderqueer rap artist and poet who when I was younger would never dream of going on Facebook, yet I later used it to exploit my body for the sheer rush and mass attention and exhibitionism. Never would have I ever dreamed of getting in front of a camera back in the day but now my YouTube has 111 subscribers 88 videos that I’ve produced and over 15 000 views…

Where am I going now? I feel as though I left the streets behind me… yet 4 months ago I lived in a shelter downtown. Sometimes I miss it, I really do. Many people have seen my transition as something powerful to uplift myself and other trans girls. Yet I’ve been attacked in the streets for it and harassed on many levels. I was liberated as a woman but was alluring myself towards being a working girl. Yin and yang of this life is baffling.

I thought everything in my life would stay the same. I’ve lost almost all of my personal friends. The kids I used to kick it with are long gone from my life. I’ve tried to stay in touch but maybe I’ve burned all my bridges through crime and substance, a reputation for disaster. Yet now I am… so different . It’s painful losing touch with people you considered brothers and sisters. But I have bipolar and in the blink of an eye my whole persona can switch along with a long list of social backfires that go back more years than I can think of… I was a bully in elementary school, I’m so ashamed of that and a gang mentality kid in high school, kind of ashamed at what I would do for dough; being shuffled rigorously through the system for my behavior. So the people I grew up with… I’m guessing have absolutely no trust in me and I don’t blame them.

I’ve moved on and transitioned, moved over and over again through all corners of the city. By now I’ve tried nearly every drug; having overdosed my first time trying heroin but no drug has had me addicted except the eversoavailable alcohol. I used it to treat social anxiety, personal anxiety, anxiety relating to my gender… I’m sitting in the doctors office, a transgender clinic downtown and oh so far I’ve come from an ignorant punk kid. Although the kid is still in me I use that part of me wisely; for creativity, curiosity. I don’t truly ever feel like I’m growing up but I guess that I am. How strange a thought… Have I stopped to smell the flowers?

From living in million dollar spots to sleeping on the bug rat infested floors of the projects in Chinatown or from the courtyard boxer fighting and training, smoking weed with my homies to the girl who stays home reading and reciting poetry. From the boy being abused by his girlfriend to the girl finally finding the true love she’s been looking for…

Maybe the Constance of change is the flowers. Seeing the world from all perspectives. Maybe I’m just well cultured… rather than an all over the place psychopath I’m actually someone you go to for another view of things. I’ve found peace in a cold jail cell and hell in luxury apartments on the ocean. It’s funny the way things work. You think you want something so bad you’d die for it. Something changes and you never wanted or needed it in the first place. What do I need now? I want to regain control, I want to empower myself to change my world first and then the world around me. I feel extremely lucky to be alive and I don’t want to take that for granted. I don’t want to take anything for granted, life is so precious and too short to waste. Where the fuck do I go from here? I’m so found yet still so lost… as I ride the train; city screaming by me. ..

I ask myself.

Where am I going this time?

-Nina