The Internal and External Struggle For The “Transgender” Soul

When I was around the age of 14 I looked into the mirror late one evening… I saw a surprised young female staring back at me and little did I know the perils facing me in the next coming decade…. Growing up as a rambunctious hoodlum I was extremely oblivious of the world around me. Although I was a sponge of all brands of culture I had no real concept of what it meant to see yourself a little different. I am now 27 years old, socially and self aware; finally am speaking to professionals about my ambition to be my opposite gender.

Internally the struggle to live as a functioning transgender member of society is indifferent and extremely additive to an already visually polluted and corrupted mind set of the world today. The DSM |V is a diagnostic statistics manual for mental health disorder’s. In the DSM they have recently changed the “gender identity disorder” to “gender dysmorphic disorder” or “gender dysphoria”. Dysphoric basically means that one does not feel right being “the norm” they believe that they must be different from what some may expect them to be (at least they removed disorder). Regardless, professional opinion is that if one dresses or acts beyond the expectation it is beyond the “norm”. I say fuck your expectations but hey… thanks for noticing we exist.

Transgender youth are at higher risk for numerous violent crimes, murders, suicides and other unpredictable circumstances in North North America. Externally we truly have a lot of monumental atrocities to deal with at this period in history, but at the same time “We Out Here” trying to change things fo’ yo’ kids! No body wants to be the subject of extreme bullying, hate crimes, gay/trans bashing ect, ect, ect. More and more people are “outing” and “coming out”, we are all dealing with this on one level or another. Thank you to all of the people fighting every day for a more accepting and loving society.

As we fight this never-ending battle with the world and with ourselves, its our soul whom we owe the victor. You are your own biggest fan! Trust in yourself and thus in your life because some say in the end… “thats all you have”. But give thanks to all your friends and family love them dearly from here to the ends of the earth because it doesn’t matter if you gay, straight, trans or bi. We all here together and nobody wants to live a lie.

-Nina

What it means.

Journal Entry Number I don’t Know, bloop. :)

Just waking up at 6 Am. Feeling pretty good today; in turn from sleeping nearly 12 hours I am guessing?  I know, thats a F***ing long sleep right? My day today… Hoping that my girlfriends car has the life to make a trip over to my house… we really got to get that S*** fixed! It’s ugly outside and I need her to come over and cuddle, watch movies and let me cook her some dinner. As hard as I think I am sometimes, thats kind of played out, I’ve realized I mostly am not. Probably more of a softy. More interested in warmth, love, compassion ect. and I miss her / I miss her a lot.  But no matter what she’s definitely worth the wait…

The day is so young; but I’m wide awake. Wanting time to go by just a little bit faster. Not that I’m upset, I’m just optimistic for the day. Even with a clouded sky I will have smiling eyes. Although unsure at times if my writing is worth the words written I’ll continue nonetheless, for the sake I’ll look back one day, learn from it, or cherish it. I love looking back at my art, music and videos but for the first time in my life I’m trying to take the artistic approach of writing seriously. Not in the sense that I am going in any particular direction with it but in the sense that no matter what happens that I will simply continue doing it, whatever the days may bring.

Poetry has become an intricate part of my day to day life having been reading it everyday on my wordpress feed. I love reading poetry these days more than I ever have before. Its spilled it’s way into my youtube channel and also a great way of expressing my feelings, to the world and to the people I love. I’d say that poetry, how little or how much I do maybe was always a part of me. Hip hop is also poetry and I’ve been missing that feeling when you lay down a clean 16 bars. I try to write bars everyday only to get frustrated when its not exactly how I want it to be, frustrating me and leaving me wondering if it might be more productive to just get on and freestyle some stuff out till it just sounds right. I DONT KNOW! -writers block- ?

Anyways, hope you all have a great day!

Heres a little link-pooh.

Nina – Are you listening? Slam poetry rap.

 

Feeling positive; Just jotting like a journal.

 

I’m quite thankful to be alive and well, writing away; although I feel a serious writers block. Fuck writers block. Ill just start typing. They say to just write anyways so…Im happy!

The hot weather is extremely overdue in my life so I’m sunbathing lots lately; catching a tan and spending far more time outside. Last summer is when I met my love, bringing me extremely positive vibes.

I’m rarely anxious or dysphoric lately and generally just feeling pretty Damn good; finding myself dancing, drawing and going out without even bothering to do my makeup. I don’t always need it to feel “pretty” so I can just be me. No worries. On the note of dysphoria; Ordering my birth certificate today to get my name change going (also extremely overdue). My girlfriend has done it now I’m playing catch up. It’s going to be a long, brutal process but it’s all good.

Right now I’m staying at my parents house helping them with their move into a new home in July, they are selling the house I grew up in which might not hit me till later but now I’m happy for them because they got a nice new spot lined up. Changes for me? Nothing major lately but I’m going to be seeing my girlfriend this week for a week straight instead of on and off which makes me happy.

Very happy.

Yes. Good times.

-Nina

Journaling exercise mind map. Photo of me at Buddhist Association of Vancouver

Where I want to go with my work:

Hosting groups, writing and music groups and helping with food banks around greater Vancouver. Non for profit organizations and homeless shelters or helping teach art and video production for at risk youth. Possibly helping lgbt groups for adults or youth. Collaborating with community art or gardening projects.

With my art:

Exploring myself, practicing Buddhist art and attempting to incorporate it into my graffiti. Writing more in depth personal blog posts and articles surrounding important world issues and politics. NOT GETTING ARRESTED. Taking time to do what is important ; needing to be done.

Spirituality:

Continue practicing meditation daily; the more the better. Reading and writing surrounding Zen and Zen Buddhism. Remaining focussed on vegetarianism / healthy diet. Going green, reducing plastic use and composting/ recycling.

:) Smile or nah? :) – Nina

Smiling is contagious, and smiling releases positive endorphins. Changing the world one smile at a time.

So I ask you… “Smile or nah?” – Nina

🙂

A Transgender Note – Nina

I don’t feel as though being transgender as a burden, to me it’s a blessing. Many gods, goddesses and spiritual guides were intersex or changed gender over time. Some aboriginal tribes in north America had a name for it centuries ago ” 2 spirit ”

Although unacceptable in Muslim and Christian faiths I am neither. In Buddhism they regard it as your spiritual qualities from your past life arising in your present. I do not need validation from anyone or anything to be myself.

Countries around the world need to show basic human rights, laws protecting trans people across the world. I see suffering in the trans community from an ignorant world without conscious mind on human spirituality and science.

I am a proud transgender woman urging you to be whatever you want to be. Manifest yourself a brighter future in regards to your identity. You need not a label nor a piece of paper. You need not to be understood by all.

But you need to be yourself,

Love Nina