Present moment I hold it cherish
Inherited blue eye apparent
Embellished with blessings
Finesse my pen dressings
Resting my weary eyes
Dream of bliss I’m in the sky
Dive into devide atomic
Flying never falling
Explode flipped mode
Artistic endeavors my calling
I write on the squalling walls
Balling my eyes out my brother falled
Past of alcohol pills cheap thrills
My sequel is refilled with abundance
Run amongst with hundreds
Thousands my sound is love
Come run with…
I promised myself that I would write today for the sake of writing but I don’t feel like I’m forcing it at all. I woke up this morning around 7 o’clock and saw the sunshine cascading through the cracks of my blinds knowing it was going to be a beautiful day. I quickly had coffee, got dressed and did my make-up, exited to run round the city. Walked down the block to get some change for the bus and as I was walking I could swear the flagger girl directing traffic called my name “Nina!” and told me to have a good day… “You too!”… I said smilingly.
I didn’t even exactly decide where I was going; either to pick up a check or to see the love of my life n wake her up n surprise her. As situations played out I stayed on the bus heading to grab the money n grab her after. I sat at the back of the bus truly enjoying this beautiful weather, people, vibes along the river on marine drive south Vancouver. A little girl got on the bus and ran down the isle sitting beside me noticing the art on my tablet; sparking conversations on graffiti, dragons and being transgender at an age …probably 4 years old. I truly love this city; feeling so safe and sound…
I rode around the city bus by bus and got the dough I needed for rent, met up with my lover for breakfast and decided to go shopping. I found a leather studded purse and golden heart bracelets while Larissa grabbed a new summer dress n a very cute bra..She kept thanking me for coming to get her and go shopping n I didn’t know why… until she put it on the dress; I have to say she looked stunning. It’s still hot and sunny as I type this away from my new home maxin n relaxin in my bikini, naturally happily.
lol
love you hun.
-Nina
Once upon a time Audastic girl named Nina
A Martr – Cause being trans only made me harder
An international abstract – in these the concrete walls
These bars like prison cells -and my oz have you staring in awe
Fresh out the prison with the wisdom.
No God for me I am not controlled by a religion…
With my pen and my pad, I create my own fate.
No fads or facades , I stay-fresh like Colgate. 😉
❤
-Nina
Melancholy mood as I wonder why I get up so early, I was in a deep and dreamy sleep. I’m happy to be up and alive but… Dysphoria has come back into my life lately which is very odd for me. For those who don’t know “dysphoria” it is basically meaning I’m not seeing the girl I usually see in the mirror. It’s like, not recognizing her. That’s not me… it’s dysphoria about gender. And it’s painful. Counting my burdens and my blessings.
My moods are slowly stabilizing since I’m back on my anxiety meditation as of two days ago which is great but I’m still not feeling 100%. I wish it were as simple as simply snapping out of a negative mind state or taking a pill, but that’s rarely the case for people with mood disorders and anxiety such as myself. Plus the dysphoria thing… Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for the most part yesterday and this morning but there’s a swing of moods that I can’t dodge forever.
I’m hoping to conquer these issues one way or another and one step at a time. I’m still sober, around 90 days, I’m not having problems budgeting my money and I’m almost finished my probational period for the graffiti charges following me for the last year and a half. I have an amazing partner who’s helping me with all of this and encouraging me to channel my creativity. Also rebuilding a relationship with my family as I wasn’t the easiest child; having bipolar disorder and substance issues, my family are happy to see me doing so well in these aspects.
Thinking of buying a new laptop soon because I’m a very creative, visual and musical soul. This tablet just isn’t cutting it.
Much love:
Nina
Today was amazing. Not even having a giant thorn surgically removed from my back brought me down… The morning was chill.
Just with my girl in the morning was nice, she took her time to wake up while I blogged and read other blog posts. I cuddled with her for a while just hoping she’d get up and it worked.
We eventually decided to go shoot some hoops at the park.
Hahaha
About 30 minutes in I run to go grab the ball… tripping slightly on my heel I fell into some thorns. Okay A LOT of thorns. I’m kind of bloody right… I thought it was all good despite the intense pain and quickly finished the game and rolled home.
I went to the mirror and turned around to see my back and what do you fucking know…. A large piece of thorn was like…. pushing the skin out on my back. I thought shit… how the fuck am I gon get this wood outta my back…it looked nasty! my girl was far too squeamish to go surgical style on this nasty looking situation. That made her a little upset but…
She drove me to a clinic and it was so deep into my back muscle they said they were going to just leave me a little cut open and come back in a few days to remove it. So uhhhhhhh I was thinking and quickly convinced this doctor to do whatever it takes… necessary…to get it out . Like: immediately.
Anesthetic worked fine and she pulled it out. Tetanus shot. Bandaid n…
I’m home and it’s all good.
Good day.
– Nina. 🙂
Where I want to go with my work:
Hosting groups, writing and music groups and helping with food banks around greater Vancouver. Non for profit organizations and homeless shelters or helping teach art and video production for at risk youth. Possibly helping lgbt groups for adults or youth. Collaborating with community art or gardening projects.
With my art:
Exploring myself, practicing Buddhist art and attempting to incorporate it into my graffiti. Writing more in depth personal blog posts and articles surrounding important world issues and politics. NOT GETTING ARRESTED. Taking time to do what is important ; needing to be done.
Spirituality:
Continue practicing meditation daily; the more the better. Reading and writing surrounding Zen and Zen Buddhism. Remaining focussed on vegetarianism / healthy diet. Going green, reducing plastic use and composting/ recycling.
It’s morning time again, 3 am ;feeling absolutely amazing to wake up this early.Yesterday was a spectacular day with my girlfriend and I, we cooked for each other, cuddled and did random stuff but; everything was “just right”.This morning it’s great to have such serenity in the midnight hour to write away, I feel extremely care-free.
Life is interesting how things can change, turn around, for better or for worse. I’m extremely blessed to be where I’m at and I should try and use it to better myself ( and I am), over 60 days sober and no longer living in a homeless shelter as I was a few months ago ( it’s complicated) . Now…Being with the woman of my dreams in the house of my dreams. I took myself off of facebook, finding wordpress to be a far better creative outlet. Loving whom and what I’ve found here.
Doing a lot of traditional art and throwing videos on YouTube My YouTube Channel . I find all forms of art extremely addicting, perfect for avoiding idle hands. I know my work doesn’t go unappreciated but I think most artists are always striving for more and more. I don’t even have a computer but I still strive to be posting videos. The thing about videos is once saved, it’s content you can always use… forever.
So I’m in my new house! Having moved in on January first we put this whole house together almost from scratch under $200 and it’s just oh so perfect. We have 1 floor almost brand new everything and I live on almost like an island in the middle of the inner city, I cross a bridge down the street and I can hop on the sky train (subway) to anywhere in the City. I’ve always wanted to live in this neighborhood, my cousin lived here and we were always kind of close. I’ve had many adventures here, always saw myself living here… manifest Destiny?
Here I am in the manifestation, it feels good and I think I know where I am going. I’m going to great places with the one I love, creating beautiful things, building with the community, being sober, being a teacher and a role model, being my genuine self and sharing this love and love of life with the world.
With love,
Nina
In a sense I am lost; feeling childlike in constant exploring of earth and oneself. I am, in a sense found; by my morality with love…and with compassion… I find myself restless in time, for time is complex. The mind cannot comprehend time nor comprehend anything in completeness. The Tao of existence unwordable, incomprehensible…
We are not all knowing beings but the fabric of existence has underlying comfort whether it is productive or not. Even terrible mistakes create great lessons. The child knows love most, your inner child craves it.
Life is complex in a mathematical sense but extremely simple in the aspect of conscious thought.
That being all that we have.
I trust this universe more than I trust myself. I say this in a sense that I do not feel in control, but the rain outside my window… it is bringing life to the earth; as is the sun, moon and the stars. Endless bounded in infinity… ; that is something I can trust. Allowing the universe to take control helps me in meditations and allowing what I cannot change.
Simplicity is bliss and sometimes in my childlike absence of self awareness, like when I draw a picture I am not drawing a picture. If I am absent and I perhaps simply am: the picture.
But as my inner child finishes the creation.
I must return to the grounding incomprehensible earth.
Here I am again.
-Nina
Touching on the subject. Going male to female….
Although I had been dressing as a female in public for many years, and living as a woman on and off. For relationship reasons sigh… : For one year I had attempted to be completely male, bad mistake. “Now” Realizing how far from the real me I had been “acting”. I got into a treatment program and started hormones with almost a completely shaved head, YIKES. I had been working construction heavily and was extremely muscular, you can see in this video: A male version of me. Right before Hormone Replacement Therapy.
I was extremely sceptical if I could find my way back to my feminine self. I was and always am faced with little bits of discrimination here and there, It made me anxious but I knew I had to try or I would regret it for the rest of my life. Slowly but surely my hair grew long, my muscles in my arms started to vanish and my breasts grew larger and larger by the months. Men and women alike all of a sudden wanted something from me… my old friends and even married ex girlfriends wanted to sleep with me. Nevertheless I was happier my transition was working well.
After about 2 years I started to feel complete, luckily for me and unlike a few of my trans girl friends surgery or any procedure for that matter wasn’t anything I wanted or needed. I had slight self confidence issues and still had a few things to learn about the confidence and grace a beautiful woman such as myself and should be able to portray. The internet leads to ugly places most of the time but…I had met the love of my life… With a little help from my girlfriend I dressed less conservative, far more sexy in public. It was extremely liberating and a huge growth for me.
A video of me now! 🙂 – Butterfly*** Subscribe to my channel if you’d like.
Me today: not the flashiest of pictures but to me it’s just an example.
Today I’m able to dress however I want to, go to whatever bathroom, I’m treated how I’d like for the most part and I have zero regrets. Luckily for me I had basic supporters; my friends and family, this is almost impossible to do alone. My health care covers all my medication “Ohhh Canadaaaaa.”, and thrift stores provide me with clothes I can actually afford; progressing my style and confidence.
That’s basically how the shit went in a nutshell. Of course I gave up a few ignorant people along the way but I think that that’s great that they can fuck off! Fuck right off lol.
Peace n blessings.
Nina
GoodnightNina. 
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