Its a Mindful Morning,
I am so utterly blessed and thankful to be able to write; breathe and live my life as well as share. I am so very fortunate for everything that I have and the people I keep beside me with all of my heart. I want to bless the world today in as many ways as I possibly can; to tell you that you are loved and everything is going to be just fine; no matter where you are. In retrospect simply living in love; A very beautiful way to start my day as I type away and smile; feeling blessed.
I love the mornings and have for many years. I wake up and thank the universe for another day in a sense; and another its always another chance to try again. I’m usually up long before the sunrise and greeting the world with peace. Its always so quiet and so dark… relaxing to the mind. Sipping my coffee. A much needed vice. (Black) Bzzzzzz.
But… I’m fighting a health issue which doesn’t make waking up in the morning very pleasant at first; I fight it; for I love my mornings and I try to get over it as soon as I possibly can…
Right now it is 4 am and I’m just pondering what all needs to be done today. Which isn’t much! Just make some calls and get some refills on a medication; not much to do! Oh. And clean the house… I could probably be doing that one now and I will shortly.
Its been odd to be living completely alone so far from most of the people I know but I am very thankful for everything that Ive gained by getting out and on my own. My own space to keep sacred and do with what I please, whenever I please. Ive lived in quite a few places and I think I am the happiest here. My landlord is very nice and I haven’t bothered him nor him bother me even once.
Before here… it was months in the shelter and even sleeping in an RV; times that were very good and times that were very bad. The RV I bought to get me out of the shelter; oh god did it get cold; but was fun while it lasted….
Anyways; I loved when I moved into this house and it was completely empty; other than my few things I had scrounged up to move in. It was very zendo like to have such few possessions but realistically; my potential to thrive required more.
My girlfriend would visit me constantly and help me get everything I need and it wasn’t long before I did have everything I need and more; she has been amazing. Even getting me this laptop I am typing on now so I could continue with wordpress and youtube (Thank you babe). She helped with furniture, appliances, groceries and anything I could have asked for.
My health issues will be dealt with soon. I have faith in that! And then I can chase dreams and chase much needed paper to provide myself with an even more comfortable living. Right now I am seeing the doctors way too much and am not going to put anything else on my plate. I will get better, I know it.
Today I have an appetite to write; Finally back to a stage where I feel comfy sharing my life.
“Its been a hard 6 months but I think I can finally jump back on top of the ball; bounce off the walls happy and giddy… I think that is my true side after all.”…
I used to love to write journal entries in my blog and I think I can do it again.
One of the first things that comes to my mind is you L.C. ;
To my lovely girlfriend it was great to see you yesterday if you are reading this.
Whatever I choose to say doesn’t even really matter; I’d be happy to splatter the page with utter bonkers nonsense. But I don’t really have to do that. Rats…
So it was a hard 6 months being sick and not seeing the love of my life as much as I wish but amazing things have happened to me whether I like to acknowledge them or not.
Wait what are the amazing things? Well… I am still alive; thats one. I have battled mental and physical illness and won. Thats two… I’m still very much in love with my girl… Thats threeeee. I don’t know is three little things amazing enough? Yeah I guess it is.
OH. A year anniversary of moving into my home. Realistically; things are great, I am often just extremely happy to be lying in my bed and staring at the ceiling. Battling Bipolar comes with some serious depression but I have learned over the past 10 years with it how to deal.
Woah this really is just a rant of nothingness. Hmmm… Nothingness is pretty calm though.
I wonder if I even still have readers that look to my posts after I seemingly started giving less and less…. I suppose I am still writing some poetry of course but It “In my opinion” doesn’t have the same finesse as when I began.
I promise to give it my all. From now on.
This is my dumb-azz taking pictures of myself. A perhaps overly proud trans girl. A poet and an artist but who the f*ck isn’t these days? Right now I’m typing off of a hoop-tie of a macbook but it does the trick… trick.
So another about me post. Thinking* This is stupid but anyways… Why do I write? Two huge influential women is why…My mom got me a book about 5 years ago called “The Artists Way” by Julia Cameron and “This book” is designed to ignite your creative side on a daily basis. And one of the instructions on this book is SIMPLY WRITING. As soon as you wake up; you write. It doesn’t matter what it is. Just wake up and write… And the other influential woman was my media art teacher Kat Thorsen; Kat Thorsen works wonders in the community and Ive seen her do it over and over and over again… If your reading this we all love ya Kat. Saving peoples lives n everything…
I am hardly someone to be writing “about me” posts because I am not touted as that girl making an impact in the world… like at all… I write this an about me post hoping that you write an about me post because… We are reading your work; you impact our lives. Funny because I don’t think I impact anyones life hahaha…But I try and do so anyways through various mediums. It really doesn’t matter if you’re acknowledged or not; its how you look back. Saying you did that. Then sitting here like I am now… Saying “what next?” Be proud and be yourself….
Whats next. Im just gonna hit publish; like fuck it.
Why don’t I write any more? Have I gotten out of the groove? I said it was back to art? But how much art have I actually done? It seems like I fret without the constant attention I seek and its become oh so clear that I have a fear of abandonment. I aught to be ashamed of myself. Nawwwww I shouldn’t be its just the way I am. Nevertheless a very lucky girl indeed with oh so many blessings to keep me going!
Dear god if you can hear me I want to thank you for everything you’ve given me and even the things you havnt or have not yet or never will. NORMALLY I wouldn’t even acknowledge you god but I am not perfect. Maybe you are not either? Or maybe you are? Or maybe you don’t exist? Or maybe I am the god I am talking to deep inside myself. But I don’t think so. But it is good to be humble and thankful and as peaceful as you possibly can. Its a beautiful morning indeed as the rain pours down outside my windows.
Thank you god/ Universe for all the people in my life; its amazing how many people are out there and its almost like they are there JUST for me. Its very special; I want you to know if you’re listening I am thankful you put my girlfriend in my life she’s truly wonderful for me and we’ve come along way together so please help guide us in the right direction; in particular help guide me in the right direction and keep her safe god. Keep my parents safe as well and all of my friends, they deserve the best; they are beautiful. As is everything in creation if we can all live in peace. Peace be upon this world in the name of everything beautiful.
Journaling is kind of funny on here because it is very random writing for me. Yet it seems to get more views than other posts. If you clicked here and don’t know me I’m Nina, I am 27 years old and a happily transgender female living on the west coast of Canada (Lovely Vancity). I tend to blog a lot of art, graffiti, poetry, Buddhism related stuff and ocasionally indulge into my life; its ups and downs or spirals down rabbit holes / or perhaps blasting to the moon.
I’m in a great place at this point in my journey and I am really appreciative of friends family and supporters through my m2f transition that occurred for a large portion of my life. So if you’re reading this, thank you. Also helping to smooth over my recovery from substance abuse and dealing with bipolar and shit that comes along with it, particularly my girlfriend, I love you hun. Thank you.
When I say I am happily trans its because I don’t carry any burdens along with me. I don’t dwell on if I could’ve been born a woman or transitioned sooner. Maybe everything happens at a certain time for a certain reason; I am not really sure, but in this moment it feels right; and I know I am in the right place. And with this: Hoping my life can reach out a hand a little bit; letting people know with growth comes healing.
The studies and posts I do regarding Buddhism, Zen and Tao are important in a large sense and perhaps I should not be the one wording the dharma or explaining it but… I will say that I have grown as a person because of it and it has taken me on journeys I did not think possible. It has also helped with my creativity, focus and recovery from abuse. So I try my best to share that. Untainted.
I have been spending a lot of time with my lover and it’s been wonderful. And although I have relapsed and I have had anxiety and I have been psychotic…
I’m doing good. I am still working on it and “keep it movin'”. Always!—- forward.
Today I am just chillin’ at home and watching time slowly pass by. Drawing and reading and I’m happily typing away and wishing all of you the best wherever you want to go.
Stay beautiful, stay strong.
This (and any of my work) is available in my new Etsy shop
via Radiant — Darkland Poetry