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A sunrise blesses the borough

Cool fresh air blowing in the windows;

Softening the room

It’s almost silent; everything is still… Slow…

But you can still hear the birds; always busy in the morning…

Nina

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No story.

My story has never really been told. It’s hard to comprehend my life in any concrete sense. It’s a brutally savage blur that I simply have to live through. I can’t really remember a time in my life that didn’t feel slightly torturous. Everything always falls down and I beat myself mercilessly for this. It makes me anxious; so anxious I cry often. And I want to die often. Today is my 30th birthday and I lay on my bed reflecting on these 30 years on earth. I never thought I would make it this far. I just generally assumed that something or someone would have taken my life long ago. I do have my happy moments but they are generally outweighed by burdens and anxiety… Or psychosis. I wish it wasn’t like this but it is. Addicted to alcohol but living in denial that I’m in control. I am not in control and my pain becomes everyone around mes pain. For that I am ashamed. I do not love myself very often. How can I love another. This all sounds so depressing but … Sometimes I just need to explain what’s hidden behind my smiles and laughter. I try and try to love with all of my heart but everyone just ends up hurt. Me included.

I’m sorry.

The way it is

My mental illness makes it so I can’t punch the clock

The medical system makes it so I can’t trust the docs

They say if you can’t run then you walk but my hearts running the shots

And My meds ain’t working no more in fact they make it worse than before

It’s beautiful and terrifying to be this perplexed

Down n out. You see my downs our out. What’s next?

I’m out

Hanging over an edge

The hammer bounced off of my skull

The world rings like a bell around me

I’m still conscious but I can’t breath

My lover holds me; she loves me

She brings me up and out

Slowly but surely the ringing fades

The bell hammer has left me scarred

I cry; shake and my world trembles

Crying for help but I was answered

She reminds me that im still here

And I am safe; is she an angel

Yes she is. My angel who understands

Pain and sorrow

As we persue happiness

In a mad mad world…

Life has led me to many places… Although I don’t mean I wander the globe. These places are spiritual and inside me. One day I’m here n the next I’m gone. I walk through heaven and hell and everywhere in between. How have I found joy in this pain?

To construct ones mind in rhyme

A deadly sublime: mighty pen

Dripping sword in my soul

Swallowed whole

Into my own depths

Fuck these sobering thoughts

I thought I could walk

Even crawl; I can not

I lay in this yin yang

Blue as the ocean

Hoping n wishing

Finding peace again

Just jot. Ink blot

Happiness like the water does trickle

Or pour down in storms

Whether adored or ignored I’m sure

Laughing uncontrollably

Static electricity through me

And mines

Familia sweet lemon lime sensimilia

Obviously abstract but I know

You don’t need to

Every homeless person I meet

Here’s my number; I’ll feed you

Anyways I’m going to push on

through

Whatever you do; that’s on you

I’m on one

But raising our seeds is on two