Tag Archives: Journaling

Morning peace. A Rambling random 4 A.m. Journal.

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I love the mornings and have for many years. I wake up and thank the universe for another day in a sense; and another  its always another chance to try again. I’m usually up long before the sunrise and greeting the world with peace. Its always so quiet and so dark… relaxing to the mind. Sipping my coffee. A much needed vice. (Black) Bzzzzzz.

But… I’m fighting a health issue which doesn’t make waking up in the morning very pleasant at first; I fight it; for I love my mornings and I try to get over it as soon as I possibly can…

Right now it is 4 am and I’m just pondering what all needs to be done today. Which isn’t much! Just make some calls and get some refills on a medication; not much to do! Oh. And clean the house… I could probably be doing that one now and I will shortly.

Its been odd to be living completely alone so far from most of the people I know but I am very thankful for everything that Ive gained by getting out and on my own. My own space to keep sacred and do with what I please, whenever I please. Ive lived in quite a few places and I think I am the happiest here. My landlord is very nice and I haven’t bothered him nor him bother me even once.

Before here… it was months in the shelter and even sleeping in an RV; times that were very good and times that were very bad. The RV I bought to get me out of the shelter; oh god did it get cold; but was fun while it lasted….

Anyways; I loved when I moved into this house and it was completely empty; other than my few things I had scrounged up to move in. It was very zendo like to have such few possessions but realistically; my potential to thrive required more.

My girlfriend would visit me constantly and help me get everything I need and it wasn’t long before I did have everything I need and more; she has been amazing. Even getting me this laptop I am typing on now so I could continue with wordpress and youtube (Thank you babe). She helped with furniture, appliances, groceries and anything I could have asked for.

My health issues will be dealt with soon. I have faith in that! And then I can chase dreams and chase much needed paper to provide myself with an even more comfortable living. Right now I am seeing the doctors way too much and am not going to put anything else on my plate. I will get better, I know it.

Optimistically Out!

-Nina

 

 

 

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Finally… “Poetic Journalling Randomness”.

Today I have an appetite to write; Finally back to a stage where I feel comfy sharing my life.

“Its been a hard 6 months but I think I can finally jump back on top of the ball; bounce off the walls happy and giddy… I think that is my true side after all.”…

I used to love to write journal entries in my blog and I think I can do it again.

One of the first things that comes to my mind is you L.C. ;

To my lovely girlfriend it was great to see you yesterday if you are reading this.

Whatever I choose to say doesn’t even really matter; I’d be happy to splatter the page with utter bonkers nonsense. But I don’t really have to do that. Rats…

So it was a hard 6 months being sick and not seeing the love of my life as much as I wish but amazing things have happened to me whether I like to acknowledge them or not.

Wait what are the amazing things? Well… I am still alive; thats one. I have battled mental and physical illness and won. Thats two… I’m still very much in love with my girl… Thats threeeee. I don’t know is three little things amazing enough? Yeah I guess it is.

OH. A year anniversary of moving into my home. Realistically; things are great, I am often just extremely happy to be lying in my bed and staring at the ceiling. Battling Bipolar comes with some serious depression but I have learned over the past 10 years with it how to deal.

Woah this really is just a rant of nothingness. Hmmm… Nothingness is pretty calm though.

I wonder if I even still have readers that look to my posts after I seemingly started giving less and less…. I suppose I am still writing some poetry of course but It “In my opinion” doesn’t have the same finesse as when I began.

I promise to give it my all. From now on.

Your Nina.

Sick of being sick.

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I wish I didn’t get sick on the daily

I don’t want to wonder what this pain is

In my stomach

I don’t want to wake up in agony

I don’t want to be scared of what that may be

I wan’t to be normal again

I wan’t to be in control of my day

I hate feeling like this

Feeling like shit every time I open my eyes

No answers from doctors every single time

For four months; I throw up when I wake up

With no clue what its a case of…

People keep calling me pregnant and its getting old

I wish! That would be a miracle and a gift!

This is a curse;

Ive never dealt with a sickness that troubled me worse

I got to get to the bottom of this

Find out what the damn problem is

Im SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of…

“Throwing up

Tears running down my face

Waking up…

Like this.”

 

Nina

Sadness. (Old Poem)

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Bout to make a journal entry. About what? A little empty.

But; Glorious Rainfall 6 AM.

I’m sorry, I’m sick and picked up pen.

My little abyss playpen oblivion I Stay In…

I think that I need to make some serious life decisions…

I am getting a sickness…

I’m an extroverted raven living in a turtle shell under a rock…

Rock and a hard place.

This is too hard on me.

I don’t want this to be a complaining rant, thats not who I am. but Wait…

This isn’t who I am…

I must be doing something wrong then. I’m not that.

Inside and out I am the outgoing smiling eyes always up for surprise, slide around the city laughing until my demise.

People can see me and think vicariously as: “I” the most oblivious one, create, deviate fate I hate to say this but my “Life” Awaits!

I just can’t wait. Its bad for my health.

This isn’t about sex or wealth.

Shit, maybe it is…

I kind of hate myself.

Not because I don’t love you.

Because I do love you.

But fast life was quite surreal.

But I do kind of hate myself.

For bringing this on us. On myself.

Onward or forward ,please! if you would just step with me I’d chill. For real!

But like my old poem; it’s like going nowhere fast, present is my past.

Because I’m lonely. Wishing you were at home with me.

Sitting here waiting for my phone to ring…

I’m just sad.

 

Nina

Rhym3 Th3r^py.

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“For the last 3 years; every holiday puts me in tears…”

 

But Im slurvibin’ ; I survived more than your knowledge.

So don’t judge; I won’t budge; Graduated from college but..

Im here to topple all of this.

 

Only move a muscle yo; To see my people comfortable

I’m comfortable

With what woulnt quite be enough for you.

 

-Minimalistic-

Kill Switch*

 

I am the mass creator of my destiny.

Applicate this upon the flash fader.

If Im gon write something; its gon surpass the ages.

I’m here to set you free.

 

In this digital subliminal “We all world criminals”.

Being watched; check your watch;

The internets 7th letter.

9 O’clock.

 

Open that third eye and peep the:

[Insert;  present moment birds eye.]

Vision like an ecylpse  of consciousness. Sub-Ominnous

Heard eyes.

Heard I?

 

(Zenzory Crozzover)

Spent too many days Not Sober.

Suffer my consequences

Lets get.

All over.

Again…

 

-Nina

(Against all odds) Just be happy anyways!

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Why did I title this… against all odds? Happiness? Well..For months and months Ive been battling health issues. I spent over a month being dehydrated and extremely light headed (fainting occasionally) and I “FINALLY” conquered that issue recently. It was preventing me from getting work and I was exited for it to be over. BUT Week or Two later… I began throwing up every morning uncontrollably…  Its like morning sickness but Im sadly not pregnant…This has persisted for over a month now as well and we still aren’t really sure what is causing me to be so sick this time, the medication they gave me doesn’t seem to be working… But whatever y’know? Against all odds Imma Just Do Me and BE HAPPY.

I can’t let this sh–t drag me down; I will do whatever I got to do to get through this! and do it happily along the way, hehehe… Peace to all of my followers! and all the people I follow! So much respect to my fellow bloggers, you definitely without knowing it have helped me through these times haha… I don’t like to do any : ANY complaining blog posts. No thats not my style at all. This is a post about positivity and striving to do your best when things are trying to drag you down.

I love my girlfriend (my muse) lol, love her very much and my extremely  supportive parents  and I know they all want to see me doing well and being happy. I hope I make em proud… I celebrate 3 years on hormone replacement therapy ;So thats three years of my life I am extremely EXTREMELY thankful for; its been amazing. No doubt; amazing. Came a long way from last year itself. And yeah… Thats about it for the thankful rant…

Peace everyone. Stay happy, positive and strive on. (Through all obstacles)

-Nina

Peace; A ramble on a Saturday Morning

photo-on-16-11-25-at-5-14-pm-7Why don’t I write any more? Have I gotten out of the groove? I said it was back to art? But how much art have I actually done? It seems like I fret without the constant attention I seek and its become oh so clear that I have a fear of abandonment. I aught to be ashamed of myself. Nawwwww I shouldn’t be its just the way I am. Nevertheless a very lucky girl indeed with oh so many blessings to keep me going!

Dear god if you can hear me I want to thank you for everything you’ve given me and even the things you havnt or have not yet or never will. NORMALLY I wouldn’t even acknowledge you god but I am not perfect. Maybe you are not either? Or maybe you are? Or maybe you don’t exist? Or maybe I am the god I am talking to deep inside myself. But I don’t think so. But it is good to be humble and thankful and as peaceful as you possibly can. Its a beautiful morning indeed as the rain pours down outside my windows.

Thank you god/ Universe for all the people in my life; its amazing how many people are out there and its almost like they are there JUST for me. Its very special; I want you to know if you’re listening I am thankful you put my girlfriend in my life she’s truly wonderful for me and we’ve come along way together so please help guide us in the right direction; in particular help guide me in the right direction and keep her safe god. Keep my parents safe as well and all of my friends, they deserve the best; they are beautiful. As is everything in creation if we can all live in peace. Peace be upon this world in the name of everything beautiful.