December 3rd Journal

451 days Sober. I arise…

5 am and all is silent. I take a puff from my vape… exhale… put it down and open wordpress and place my hands on the keyboard… Now I’m here and what does here bring? I dont remember my dreams, so theres no getting into that with you. I feel rather drowsy, tired, and uninspired. But I vow to type anyways. Life has its ups and downs and as the coffee kicks in I feel the positivity of my own life. Blessed with many things and surviving just fine. Today is all we really have. I’m thankful to be here.

I feel free. Everything is at my fingertips. And the earth under my feet is mine. So I walk. And this is where I want to be. Rain pours down and it is the most calming sound on earth. Thank you for the rain… As my walk ends my phone dies walking up the steps to my apartment and I think this is perfectly meant to be…

It is now 6 am and I am back at my computer desk. Back at WordPress. The junkie inside me is telling me I want dopamine… I want adrenaline. And I will give in soon enough. But it wont be with alcohol. It is a natural high that I seek. Runners high or freezing showers. My anxiety meds. I suppose they are a narcotic… But life is simply not livable without them. I simply want to get high.

I hope I do.

-Nina

Journal Nov 4 2023

Good morning world. This morning I’m pretty tired. Decided to start my day at 2:30 am but I’m glad I did because I’m here now. Dear GOD how Ive missed this outlet. I am back but I dont know where to begin… Ive had my serious struggles staying sober but today I arise clean and over a year clean and sober… Trying to return to WordPress… I’m always at crossroads in life and theres no way to explain what I have been going through the past several years in one post, ups and downs… friendships and endings, beautiful things… painful things. But yeah… Regardless I am Sober… Sober is good. Good morning world!

Today I type from the heart of downtown Vancity; My home and has always been. It is pouring rain which is always my favorite weather; so peaceful… Just darkness… and quiet at 5:30 am on a Saturday morning. I dont got much to do today but kick it. My life is fairly simple these days. Routines that keep me sane. Wait a minute sane? Who am I kidding! I’m not working… Not hustling… Just gliding by through these days and times. Definitely not sane though lol…

I have been trying to stay up on my graffiti and other art that I post on Instagram but now maybe I’ll begin posting it here again… I love art, expression. And will always be a part of my life no matter the medium or app I use to share with the world. Am I taking it as serious as I should though? Probably not. Please Creator let me find my passion and inspiration again. Help me find my joy and peace. Art is my peace…

Welcome me back if you guys remember me…

Returning

There’s something strange about returning to WordPress.

It had brought me so much peace. I had originally created this site living in a homeless shelter and planned to document my life living on the streets… I’m not sure how long exactly I was homeless at the time. Maybe 6 months or so… But I prevailed. From living in different shelters. To eventually buying an RV. To eventually getting a housing subsidy and renting the perfect suite. Then I had a home…

I would drink a lot during my years there but blogging was always there. I would wake up hungover and immediately go to WordPress and found so much joy in making and sharing blog posts. I truly loved it. And now I miss the feeling of it; I miss the satisfying post button… It was especially nice to be posting from my own home. Not the coffee shop WiFi next to the shelter, Or my girlfriend’s house.

On WordPress you create your own little archived world. It can truly be a beautiful thing. To profess what you go through and what you stand for and what you’d like to create. I want to return… So I guess I’m back.

What

I feel like a sloth; tired aloft a computer chair

Coffee in one hand; vape in the other

Wishing I had slept in. Winnie the pooh “Oh bother”.

Need another cup of coffer

As I begin to awake; A slight optimism

Maybe today isnt…

So bad

No sad; frown upside down.

Just another funky day to runaway

Asking me to come’n’play

Guess I’ll have some fun today.

Journaling ramble Jot

Waking up… Its different here; not as calm being as that I am not the only early riser. 15 days sober and simply trying to get through every day. Not that I am not happy. I am happy. There are so many things I am thankful for and that I love dearly… Today I dont know what I will do but Im hoping today is bliss. Days can be bliss if you allow them to be.

Sidenote; I think I may have slept on my arm as my ribcage is a little sore.

I have someone whom I love dearly. She makes me smile so hard… So I tell her I love her as much as I can. Its too bad that covid has led to our relationship existing from such a distance but we strive to keep our sacred love and happiness alive. I can be patient.

I am happy! My room is now a pink little nest in which I find great comfort. The weather has been much cooler the past week which calms the mind during the summer heat. I also have quit smoking; something I wasnt sure would ever happen. Drinking is one thing but ciggarettes are a bitch! Go me…

Thats all for now

-Nina

SIT!

SOme TImes YOu MUst SImpLY APplY ASs TO CHaiR.

Words of the wise So Here I try.

A clever artistic endevour

For noteworthy pleasure

Rhymes twisting and turning burning a soul in your hole

Whole hearting speak non rhetorically

Many people supporting me whilst the others are aborting me

But I always find A gem in zen spend time n then

Ive found a way to mend

My torn pieces and of course the thesis; time is healing

As Im breathing…

An about me moment…

For those who don’t know me… Im 31 years old

Im a trans girl. Living in Vancouver Canada

And my name. Is Nina.

I believe in the dhamma of Budda.

My story is too complex to tell, or… perhaps is now is not the time but maybe one day I’ll be able to share with you my all…. but for now my poetry will have to do.

Some of the things that I can tell you however… I most certainly will… I still have a love for hip hop www.youtube.com/user/innashademusic

I have done a couple little things in the past few months but nothing serious

Poetry which you will always find here I have no other place for it…

I do some modeling and art on Instagram:

www.instagram.com/suspectnina

And if you truly desire to befriend me my facebook link is

https://www.facebook.com/nina.cassie.vestergaard

Today as the rain pours in my city wordpress is a refuge from the cold and damp of a city half boarded up and covered in street art. I had recently left town and when I finally returned looking over Vancouver I remember why I love this place so much. Its a magic place…

I love Vancouver street photography…. One of my friends takes a lot I wonder if he has a website… Uno momento… Found it!

https://www.instagram.com/aspiringmedia/

Oh heres one more….

More of a Vancouver Graffiti link… Im obsessed with graff and streetart and this guy takes (the best shots)

https://www.instagram.com/craige13/?hl=en

Since I transitioned many years ago my life has substancially improved. Although I end up moving from place to place I am always in balance with what it is to live in such a way. Every good and bad… simply another opportunity. It is what it is.

I came here to rant a little about myself and I think thats good for now.

Thanks for stopping by!

 

New… About me

Through my weary eyes, I type. It is 5 am as the sun begins to rise on my side of this planet. My wife lay asleep while candles flicker throughout the house. Traditional Japanese music softly plays from the television. I don’t know why I’m writing but I do it regardless.

It’s been a very long time since I have been blogging and a lot has changed. I’m married with a step son now. And I’m sober for the first time in my life. To be honest I’ve never felt better. I am on a path; this path is beautiful.

And as I write the sun continues to rise and the music continues to play and time is slipping away into next and the best thing I can do is simply view it.

I’ve always counted my blessings. Abundant. Thankful.

There’s too much beauty in this world to waste any time in my personal opinion. So I practice love. Through various ways and means. I’ve been working very hard to better myself for my self. It’s working as my self doubt is exhaled into nothingness. Leaving me with nothing but peace.

Morning peace. A Rambling random 4 A.m. Journal.

I love the mornings and have for many years. I wake up and thank the universe for another day in a sense; and another  its always another chance to try again. I’m usually up long before the sunrise and greeting the world with peace. Its always so quiet and so dark… relaxing to the mind. Sipping my coffee. A much needed vice. (Black) Bzzzzzz.

But… I’m fighting a health issue which doesn’t make waking up in the morning very pleasant at first; I fight it; for I love my mornings and I try to get over it as soon as I possibly can…

Right now it is 4 am and I’m just pondering what all needs to be done today. Which isn’t much! Just make some calls and get some refills on a medication; not much to do! Oh. And clean the house… I could probably be doing that one now and I will shortly.

Its been odd to be living completely alone so far from most of the people I know but I am very thankful for everything that Ive gained by getting out and on my own. My own space to keep sacred and do with what I please, whenever I please. Ive lived in quite a few places and I think I am the happiest here. My landlord is very nice and I haven’t bothered him nor him bother me even once.

Before here… it was months in the shelter and even sleeping in an RV; times that were very good and times that were very bad. The RV I bought to get me out of the shelter; oh god did it get cold; but was fun while it lasted….

Anyways; I loved when I moved into this house and it was completely empty; other than my few things I had scrounged up to move in. It was very zendo like to have such few possessions but realistically; my potential to thrive required more.

My girlfriend would visit me constantly and help me get everything I need and it wasn’t long before I did have everything I need and more; she has been amazing. Even getting me this laptop I am typing on now so I could continue with wordpress and youtube (Thank you babe). She helped with furniture, appliances, groceries and anything I could have asked for.

My health issues will be dealt with soon. I have faith in that! And then I can chase dreams and chase much needed paper to provide myself with an even more comfortable living. Right now I am seeing the doctors way too much and am not going to put anything else on my plate. I will get better, I know it.

Optimistically Out!

-Nina

 

 

 

Finally… “Poetic Journalling Randomness”.

Today I have an appetite to write; Finally back to a stage where I feel comfy sharing my life.

“Its been a hard 6 months but I think I can finally jump back on top of the ball; bounce off the walls happy and giddy… I think that is my true side after all.”…

I used to love to write journal entries in my blog and I think I can do it again.

One of the first things that comes to my mind is you L.C. ;

To my lovely girlfriend it was great to see you yesterday if you are reading this.

Whatever I choose to say doesn’t even really matter; I’d be happy to splatter the page with utter bonkers nonsense. But I don’t really have to do that. Rats…

So it was a hard 6 months being sick and not seeing the love of my life as much as I wish but amazing things have happened to me whether I like to acknowledge them or not.

Wait what are the amazing things? Well… I am still alive; thats one. I have battled mental and physical illness and won. Thats two… I’m still very much in love with my girl… Thats threeeee. I don’t know is three little things amazing enough? Yeah I guess it is.

OH. A year anniversary of moving into my home. Realistically; things are great, I am often just extremely happy to be lying in my bed and staring at the ceiling. Battling Bipolar comes with some serious depression but I have learned over the past 10 years with it how to deal.

Woah this really is just a rant of nothingness. Hmmm… Nothingness is pretty calm though.

I wonder if I even still have readers that look to my posts after I seemingly started giving less and less…. I suppose I am still writing some poetry of course but It “In my opinion” doesn’t have the same finesse as when I began.

I promise to give it my all. From now on.

Your Nina.