Journaling ramble Jot

Waking up… Its different here; not as calm being as that I am not the only early riser. 15 days sober and simply trying to get through every day. Not that I am not happy. I am happy. There are so many things I am thankful for and that I love dearly… Today I dont know what I will do but Im hoping today is bliss. Days can be bliss if you allow them to be.

Sidenote; I think I may have slept on my arm as my ribcage is a little sore.

I have someone whom I love dearly. She makes me smile so hard… So I tell her I love her as much as I can. Its too bad that covid has led to our relationship existing from such a distance but we strive to keep our sacred love and happiness alive. I can be patient.

I am happy! My room is now a pink little nest in which I find great comfort. The weather has been much cooler the past week which calms the mind during the summer heat. I also have quit smoking; something I wasnt sure would ever happen. Drinking is one thing but ciggarettes are a bitch! Go me…

Thats all for now

-Nina

Me

I can simply be myself; no validation needed thanks.

I cant leave this blank. This canvas can be made beautiful.

Quite suitable for a musical of paint.

Paint of my soul with no restraint.

Im spiritual yes; but my body is the vehicle of quest.

Attested to only oneself; Im blessed.

 

An about me moment…

For those who don’t know me… Im 31 years old

Im a trans girl. Living in Vancouver Canada

And my name. Is Nina.

I believe in the dhamma of Budda.

My story is too complex to tell, or… perhaps is now is not the time but maybe one day I’ll be able to share with you my all…. but for now my poetry will have to do.

Some of the things that I can tell you however… I most certainly will… I still have a love for hip hop www.youtube.com/user/innashademusic

I have done a couple little things in the past few months but nothing serious

Poetry which you will always find here I have no other place for it…

I do some modeling and art on Instagram:

www.instagram.com/suspectnina

And if you truly desire to befriend me my facebook link is

https://www.facebook.com/nina.cassie.vestergaard

Today as the rain pours in my city wordpress is a refuge from the cold and damp of a city half boarded up and covered in street art. I had recently left town and when I finally returned looking over Vancouver I remember why I love this place so much. Its a magic place…

I love Vancouver street photography…. One of my friends takes a lot I wonder if he has a website… Uno momento… Found it!

https://www.instagram.com/aspiringmedia/

Oh heres one more….

More of a Vancouver Graffiti link… Im obsessed with graff and streetart and this guy takes (the best shots)

https://www.instagram.com/craige13/?hl=en

Since I transitioned many years ago my life has substancially improved. Although I end up moving from place to place I am always in balance with what it is to live in such a way. Every good and bad… simply another opportunity. It is what it is.

I came here to rant a little about myself and I think thats good for now.

Thanks for stopping by!

 

Drowned sorrows

I am an addict; since twelve

Ive delved.

Weed, crack, heroin, crystal, mushrooms, lsd

More than all of these

Alcohol consumes me

I consume it; fluent in being a nuisance

Constantly picking up shattered pieces

My hands and heart are bleeding

The world seems iced and freezing

Do I still have meaning

Purpose

Am II worthless

These are the questions I ask Looking back at my past

Im trying so hard to keep compusure

Trauma upon trauma with no closure

My central nervous system is shot

So im constantly nervous

Everybody thinks Im happy but that’s just a surface

Im not trying to complain we all have pain

I wanna remain on this plain of love and gains

Music and poetry; the essence of me knowing me

That Im not such a terrible girl

That’s I have so much to offer the world

But Im crying out for help to all my friends and love

I cant do this alone sometimes Im looking above

Can god help me out a bit

Ive fallen and I can never seem to get out of it

A rhyming rant chant of the addict

Sobriety day one; let me have a crack at it.

 

About me. A return

Its been a very long time since I have been away from WordPress. Id like to come back to this and reintroduce myself. My name is Nina and I’m 31 years old. Im a Buddhist, a step mother, an artist and a trans woman. I started this blog while living in a homeless shelter many years ago and I can remember walking across the street to the coffee shop to do my daily blogging every morning. I had originally thought i would simply write about living on the streets, but. It became much more than that.

Im returning now as many things have changed. I got married and am looking after a young one. I am sober. For the first time in my life. Something like 8 or 9 months. It has been easy but it hasn’t. I am very thankful for this morning; an opportunity to speak and place another step on this path. The path of buddha, sobriety, motherhood, art and most importantly love.

Im not sure where to begin but I suppose I already have. So since I have been gone; budhism has truly become my path. I have realized there is no place for alcohol in a buddhist. I see the dhamma now as the only path to be on. I am also a visual artist. A graffiti writer and painter. I am shocked and happy to say that art is my profession yet am still but what you would call the starving artist. But I am happy.

Sobriety was taken away from me by the age of 13. So 17 years of usage which is more than half of my life and pretty much the entirety of my adult life. I have found new ways to enjoy life, to cope with pain and anxiety. As i write i feel like the lotus blooming from the mud.

Hello everyone. Im here again. Im back

Love Nina

New… About me

Through my weary eyes, I type. It is 5 am as the sun begins to rise on my side of this planet. My wife lay asleep while candles flicker throughout the house. Traditional Japanese music softly plays from the television. I don’t know why I’m writing but I do it regardless.

It’s been a very long time since I have been blogging and a lot has changed. I’m married with a step son now. And I’m sober for the first time in my life. To be honest I’ve never felt better. I am on a path; this path is beautiful.

And as I write the sun continues to rise and the music continues to play and time is slipping away into next and the best thing I can do is simply view it.

I’ve always counted my blessings. Abundant. Thankful.

There’s too much beauty in this world to waste any time in my personal opinion. So I practice love. Through various ways and means. I’ve been working very hard to better myself for my self. It’s working as my self doubt is exhaled into nothingness. Leaving me with nothing but peace.

Change rain.

So this is the retrograde rain

Of pain and joy?

Similes and metaphors

I regain control as the rain pours

But yes; to love change embrace pain

Tattering and trickling

Dripping on my soul

Yet is is filling me; I am whole

The whole world planets and stars

Watching the rain fall and wash

And cleanse

Seeds birth a new life

For me or for anyone and Everything

In this life

In this change

In this rain.

Nina

Ink therapy

It’s dark morning.

The time for rhyme therapy; my clarity

Climb out of disparity; hearing me

Write these words; observe purpose

Present moment is the service

Back again with a digital saturated pen

Micro ink blot.

Thank you my friend.

The universe grants me another day

Thankful and it’s never in vain

I’m finding peace here in the winters air

Northwest blessed

I’m feeling fresh and clear

I’m here

It’s the morning again; my favorite time to write poetry

My wife lay asleep across the room on our bed

Although things have been hard, I am optimistic

I’ve shown myself a better path, so my walk is easier

At least in the now; that fact remains

I have to continue to be mindful of the future

And live present in each moment; one after the next

I take a deep breath and ground myself; I’m alive

I remember an anxious moment yesterday

And knowing that to live is to suffer

But that thought passed; as all thoughts and moments do

I close my eyes; to simply shut them. 

Makes me calm. Collected. Present.

And I take another breath.

Where I’m going doesn’t matter; now is time

I can build towards anything; but nothing is promised

So I do not attach myself with the future

I shall cut my ties with worry and sorrow

In this pitch black sky; I am here

The way it is

My mental illness makes it so I can’t punch the clock

The medical system makes it so I can’t trust the docs

They say if you can’t run then you walk but my hearts running the shots

And My meds ain’t working no more in fact they make it worse than before

It’s beautiful and terrifying to be this perplexed

Down n out. You see my downs our out. What’s next?

I’m out