My story has never really been told. It’s hard to comprehend my life in any concrete sense. It’s a brutally savage blur that I simply have to live through. I can’t really remember a time in my life that didn’t feel slightly torturous. Everything always falls down and I beat myself mercilessly for this. It makes me anxious; so anxious I cry often. And I want to die often. Today is my 30th birthday and I lay on my bed reflecting on these 30 years on earth. I never thought I would make it this far. I just generally assumed that something or someone would have taken my life long ago. I do have my happy moments but they are generally outweighed by burdens and anxiety… Or psychosis. I wish it wasn’t like this but it is. Addicted to alcohol but living in denial that I’m in control. I am not in control and my pain becomes everyone around mes pain. For that I am ashamed. I do not love myself very often. How can I love another. This all sounds so depressing but … Sometimes I just need to explain what’s hidden behind my smiles and laughter. I try and try to love with all of my heart but everyone just ends up hurt. Me included.
Abbot street; an old opium den. The Sun Ah hotel.
The elevator shaft once brought up. the heroin.
Now your blankets and trash are discarded in the rusted abyss.
The distinct smell of crack and meth house mixed with cigarettes, mold and bed bug spray.
Yet when times were rough indeed we still strived to achieve our dreams through tears and fears and thick and thin.
I watched over you and you watched over me. I miss you dearly J bird; rest in peace.
I’ll meet you in a ghetto in the sky and we’ll put a studio in our trap.
Vegan mango fruit juices and topical tropical psychedelic ganja.
I promise you I’m doing good down here and thinking of you my friend.
For me it’s almost like there’s no one left and I can’t wait to see you instead.
We can view the memoirs of our lives mixed and mastered plastered onto the sands of time.
Where do Angels go when they die? I hope to see you again; in the ghetto in the sky.
Its a Mindful Morning,
I am so utterly blessed and thankful to be able to write; breathe and live my life as well as share. I am so very fortunate for everything that I have and the people I keep beside me with all of my heart. I want to bless the world today in as many ways as I possibly can; to tell you that you are loved and everything is going to be just fine; no matter where you are. In retrospect simply living in love; A very beautiful way to start my day as I type away and smile; feeling blessed.
I love the mornings and have for many years. I wake up and thank the universe for another day in a sense; and another its always another chance to try again. I’m usually up long before the sunrise and greeting the world with peace. Its always so quiet and so dark… relaxing to the mind. Sipping my coffee. A much needed vice. (Black) Bzzzzzz.
But… I’m fighting a health issue which doesn’t make waking up in the morning very pleasant at first; I fight it; for I love my mornings and I try to get over it as soon as I possibly can…
Right now it is 4 am and I’m just pondering what all needs to be done today. Which isn’t much! Just make some calls and get some refills on a medication; not much to do! Oh. And clean the house… I could probably be doing that one now and I will shortly.
Its been odd to be living completely alone so far from most of the people I know but I am very thankful for everything that Ive gained by getting out and on my own. My own space to keep sacred and do with what I please, whenever I please. Ive lived in quite a few places and I think I am the happiest here. My landlord is very nice and I haven’t bothered him nor him bother me even once.
Before here… it was months in the shelter and even sleeping in an RV; times that were very good and times that were very bad. The RV I bought to get me out of the shelter; oh god did it get cold; but was fun while it lasted….
Anyways; I loved when I moved into this house and it was completely empty; other than my few things I had scrounged up to move in. It was very zendo like to have such few possessions but realistically; my potential to thrive required more.
My girlfriend would visit me constantly and help me get everything I need and it wasn’t long before I did have everything I need and more; she has been amazing. Even getting me this laptop I am typing on now so I could continue with wordpress and youtube (Thank you babe). She helped with furniture, appliances, groceries and anything I could have asked for.
My health issues will be dealt with soon. I have faith in that! And then I can chase dreams and chase much needed paper to provide myself with an even more comfortable living. Right now I am seeing the doctors way too much and am not going to put anything else on my plate. I will get better, I know it.
I will love n smile when the rain begins to fall
And then I will love when the sun begins to shine
I’m going to appreciate that which is beautiful and simple
Like this moment as I type; And sip my warm coffee
Thankful to be alive and breathing
I don’t write to gain; but perhaps learn about myself and…
Just to be happy for that moment; look back at it and smile again
We don’t have time to fret; life is simply too short
So I am here; smiling for no particular reason
But it does
Just a smiley note for day