Journal.

Nearing ever closer to 2 years sober. This blog doesnt get enough attention. Life is good. I have my issues but nothing stops me from finding happiness. Finding so much joy in the little things. It is spring now and I am enjoying the vibe that the sunshine brings. Right now it is 3:30 In the morning as I awake from a dream about Bob Marley…

Today nothing special is planned, but who knows what is to come. But I am thinking I may be a little tired starting my day at this time. I spend most days chilling out. Sometimes visiting my parents, vibing and walking the dog… A little skateboarding… A very simple life…

Sobriety has allowed me to become a connoisseur… A collector… And a safe and secure life… (Probably a little more important lol) I will be celebrating 600 days soon. And god willing 2 years in September. I often daydream of relapsing… But um… So many of my friends have passed. I must continue to be the survivor. I must live on…

Peace

-Nina

Small rant.

I have struggled with agoraphobia my whole life, I didnt really realize it until age 34… What was really going on with me. Is it too late? At 36 I revel in joy when finishing a single task that involves stepping outside of my door. Which isn’t that often, but often enough to give me hope. Sometimes when I go out, I am shaking, trembling in fear… Having a hard time catching my breath. I am afraid of people and I dont know why. It can be very embarrassing, sad, scary; this is what I am dealing with.

Maybe more on this to come…

December 3rd Journal

451 days Sober. I arise…

5 am and all is silent. I take a puff from my vape… exhale… put it down and open wordpress and place my hands on the keyboard… Now I’m here and what does here bring? I dont remember my dreams, so theres no getting into that with you. I feel rather drowsy, tired, and uninspired. But I vow to type anyways. Life has its ups and downs and as the coffee kicks in I feel the positivity of my own life. Blessed with many things and surviving just fine. Today is all we really have. I’m thankful to be here.

I feel free. Everything is at my fingertips. And the earth under my feet is mine. So I walk. And this is where I want to be. Rain pours down and it is the most calming sound on earth. Thank you for the rain… As my walk ends my phone dies walking up the steps to my apartment and I think this is perfectly meant to be…

It is now 6 am and I am back at my computer desk. Back at WordPress. The junkie inside me is telling me I want dopamine… I want adrenaline. And I will give in soon enough. But it wont be with alcohol. It is a natural high that I seek. Runners high or freezing showers. My anxiety meds. I suppose they are a narcotic… But life is simply not livable without them. I simply want to get high.

I hope I do.

-Nina

December 1st.

I’m in the new crib as the rain pours at 3 am… Drinking an energy drink and vaping away. So very peaceful… Life feels very kind to me lately and I am gifted many blessings. I am thankful for this… I am still sober, doing art and doing just fine. The ongoing sobriety brings financial prosperity and much peace to go along with it… Also; A healthy body and mind.

I have many goals to achieve but time remains on my side. It would be nice to own a vehicle to travel the province is one of them. Other goals focus on physical and mental well being. Art, poetry and other forms of expression are not goals but I hope to continue creating for the sake of creating. Thankful for all…

I would like to return to a very minimalist lifestyle and this will take patience and perseverance. All things do really I suppose. Its the simple fact upon opening my moving boxes the realization of over-accumulating. And a remembrance of a more simple lifestyle, sometimes less is more!

Thank you Universe for everything.

Nina

Journal Nov 4 2023

Good morning world. This morning I’m pretty tired. Decided to start my day at 2:30 am but I’m glad I did because I’m here now. Dear GOD how Ive missed this outlet. I am back but I dont know where to begin… Ive had my serious struggles staying sober but today I arise clean and over a year clean and sober… Trying to return to WordPress… I’m always at crossroads in life and theres no way to explain what I have been going through the past several years in one post, ups and downs… friendships and endings, beautiful things… painful things. But yeah… Regardless I am Sober… Sober is good. Good morning world!

Today I type from the heart of downtown Vancity; My home and has always been. It is pouring rain which is always my favorite weather; so peaceful… Just darkness… and quiet at 5:30 am on a Saturday morning. I dont got much to do today but kick it. My life is fairly simple these days. Routines that keep me sane. Wait a minute sane? Who am I kidding! I’m not working… Not hustling… Just gliding by through these days and times. Definitely not sane though lol…

I have been trying to stay up on my graffiti and other art that I post on Instagram but now maybe I’ll begin posting it here again… I love art, expression. And will always be a part of my life no matter the medium or app I use to share with the world. Am I taking it as serious as I should though? Probably not. Please Creator let me find my passion and inspiration again. Help me find my joy and peace. Art is my peace…

Welcome me back if you guys remember me…

Returning

There’s something strange about returning to WordPress.

It had brought me so much peace. I had originally created this site living in a homeless shelter and planned to document my life living on the streets… I’m not sure how long exactly I was homeless at the time. Maybe 6 months or so… But I prevailed. From living in different shelters. To eventually buying an RV. To eventually getting a housing subsidy and renting the perfect suite. Then I had a home…

I would drink a lot during my years there but blogging was always there. I would wake up hungover and immediately go to WordPress and found so much joy in making and sharing blog posts. I truly loved it. And now I miss the feeling of it; I miss the satisfying post button… It was especially nice to be posting from my own home. Not the coffee shop WiFi next to the shelter, Or my girlfriend’s house.

On WordPress you create your own little archived world. It can truly be a beautiful thing. To profess what you go through and what you stand for and what you’d like to create. I want to return… So I guess I’m back.

Journaling ramble Jot

Waking up… Its different here; not as calm being as that I am not the only early riser. 15 days sober and simply trying to get through every day. Not that I am not happy. I am happy. There are so many things I am thankful for and that I love dearly… Today I dont know what I will do but Im hoping today is bliss. Days can be bliss if you allow them to be.

Sidenote; I think I may have slept on my arm as my ribcage is a little sore.

I have someone whom I love dearly. She makes me smile so hard… So I tell her I love her as much as I can. Its too bad that covid has led to our relationship existing from such a distance but we strive to keep our sacred love and happiness alive. I can be patient.

I am happy! My room is now a pink little nest in which I find great comfort. The weather has been much cooler the past week which calms the mind during the summer heat. I also have quit smoking; something I wasnt sure would ever happen. Drinking is one thing but ciggarettes are a bitch! Go me…

Thats all for now

-Nina

Me

I can simply be myself; no validation needed thanks.

I cant leave this blank. This canvas can be made beautiful.

Quite suitable for a musical of paint.

Paint of my soul with no restraint.

Im spiritual yes; but my body is the vehicle of quest.

Attested to only oneself; Im blessed.

 

An about me moment…

For those who don’t know me… Im 31 years old

Im a trans girl. Living in Vancouver Canada

And my name. Is Nina.

I believe in the dhamma of Budda.

My story is too complex to tell, or… perhaps is now is not the time but maybe one day I’ll be able to share with you my all…. but for now my poetry will have to do.

Some of the things that I can tell you however… I most certainly will… I still have a love for hip hop www.youtube.com/user/innashademusic

I have done a couple little things in the past few months but nothing serious

Poetry which you will always find here I have no other place for it…

I do some modeling and art on Instagram:

www.instagram.com/suspectnina

And if you truly desire to befriend me my facebook link is

https://www.facebook.com/nina.cassie.vestergaard

Today as the rain pours in my city wordpress is a refuge from the cold and damp of a city half boarded up and covered in street art. I had recently left town and when I finally returned looking over Vancouver I remember why I love this place so much. Its a magic place…

I love Vancouver street photography…. One of my friends takes a lot I wonder if he has a website… Uno momento… Found it!

https://www.instagram.com/aspiringmedia/

Oh heres one more….

More of a Vancouver Graffiti link… Im obsessed with graff and streetart and this guy takes (the best shots)

https://www.instagram.com/craige13/?hl=en

Since I transitioned many years ago my life has substancially improved. Although I end up moving from place to place I am always in balance with what it is to live in such a way. Every good and bad… simply another opportunity. It is what it is.

I came here to rant a little about myself and I think thats good for now.

Thanks for stopping by!

 

Drowned sorrows

I am an addict; since twelve

Ive delved.

Weed, crack, heroin, crystal, mushrooms, lsd

More than all of these

Alcohol consumes me

I consume it; fluent in being a nuisance

Constantly picking up shattered pieces

My hands and heart are bleeding

The world seems iced and freezing

Do I still have meaning

Purpose

Am II worthless

These are the questions I ask Looking back at my past

Im trying so hard to keep compusure

Trauma upon trauma with no closure

My central nervous system is shot

So im constantly nervous

Everybody thinks Im happy but that’s just a surface

Im not trying to complain we all have pain

I wanna remain on this plain of love and gains

Music and poetry; the essence of me knowing me

That Im not such a terrible girl

That’s I have so much to offer the world

But Im crying out for help to all my friends and love

I cant do this alone sometimes Im looking above

Can god help me out a bit

Ive fallen and I can never seem to get out of it

A rhyming rant chant of the addict

Sobriety day one; let me have a crack at it.