About me. A return

Its been a very long time since I have been away from WordPress. Id like to come back to this and reintroduce myself. My name is Nina and I’m 31 years old. Im a Buddhist, a step mother, an artist and a trans woman. I started this blog while living in a homeless shelter many years ago and I can remember walking across the street to the coffee shop to do my daily blogging every morning. I had originally thought i would simply write about living on the streets, but. It became much more than that.

Im returning now as many things have changed. I got married and am looking after a young one. I am sober. For the first time in my life. Something like 8 or 9 months. It has been easy but it hasn’t. I am very thankful for this morning; an opportunity to speak and place another step on this path. The path of buddha, sobriety, motherhood, art and most importantly love.

Im not sure where to begin but I suppose I already have. So since I have been gone; budhism has truly become my path. I have realized there is no place for alcohol in a buddhist. I see the dhamma now as the only path to be on. I am also a visual artist. A graffiti writer and painter. I am shocked and happy to say that art is my profession yet am still but what you would call the starving artist. But I am happy.

Sobriety was taken away from me by the age of 13. So 17 years of usage which is more than half of my life and pretty much the entirety of my adult life. I have found new ways to enjoy life, to cope with pain and anxiety. As i write i feel like the lotus blooming from the mud.

Hello everyone. Im here again. Im back

Love Nina

On one; while willy two’d the three.

Imma easter tweakin rabbit;

wit a knitted wicker basket filled with easter egg licorice hashish;

bouncin up the aves wit it;

towerin empowerin steppin on leprechauns;

weapons drawn pointed at the annointed;

joint lit so tell me what the heck you on;

im on one; while willy two’d three;

swinging a jewly piece;

the rhymes like tom.

Foolery.

 

Nina

Tired eyes; Ize rhymes..

Tired eyes open the laptop;  Coffee drip drops

21st Century type writer ; “So type writer!”

Story tell; tired eyes; my rhymes.

JusSittin here…4 Hours until the sunrise

Wishing I was with “her”

Heaven. Every. Reason. I miss H.E.R.

Story of my life; Im sorry you were right

Sorting out whats left n get right

Lost in a “natural mystic” what Bob say

Not your neighbour/your dog

Im talking bout Marleyyyy

Now theres a rainbow in the sky. “So don’t be blind”.

When your spiritual the miracles happen like…

All of the time…

Nina

They knew before I Knew I was a girl. (Did I twirl?)

I was always picked last-in sports. I laugh at being picked-last because they saw past what I could not. Even recognize in the first place. Never did I see first place in sports but I took up a new gender like sports… wait… lets reverse pace. I was picked last because perhaps they knew before I knew I was a girl before I… Knew I was a girl. (Did I twirl?) Was that the give away? I remember once being told I looked like one. I was absolutely dumbfounded ; at the age of 12. Delve into childhood.  Perhaps that was around the time I began to find my self. Im not sure… What I’m sure of is that I can never be sure of… damn near anything. OTHER THAN MY DECISION TO TRANSITION. That meant everything.

It wasn’t hard to transition at all, it was hard to pretend to be a man like FRAUD. (Guilty as charged)!. I feel complete sorrow for my sisters across the globe who would die to transition but can’t because of this GOD DAMN world. “I’m waiting on tomorrow”

Im lucky as FUCK… and Its called hormone replacement “therapy” and it worked miracles for my clarity. Anyone against transgender rights can spare me. Beware the… power of hatred in the world; us girls got it hard sometimes and that scares me. I survived a lot and Im extremely thankful. I could do a lot of different things for a bankroll but I’d rather write a little rhyme thats… tasteful.

*Thanks god*

Love you Larissa.

XO

-Nina

The Internal and External Struggle For The “Transgender” Soul

When I was around the age of 14 I looked into the mirror late one evening… I saw a surprised young female staring back at me and little did I know the perils facing me in the next coming decade…. Growing up as a rambunctious hoodlum I was extremely oblivious of the world around me. Although I was a sponge of all brands of culture I had no real concept of what it meant to see yourself a little different. I am now 27 years old, socially and self aware; finally am speaking to professionals about my ambition to be my opposite gender.

Internally the struggle to live as a functioning transgender member of society is indifferent and extremely additive to an already visually polluted and corrupted mind set of the world today. The DSM |V is a diagnostic statistics manual for mental health disorder’s. In the DSM they have recently changed the “gender identity disorder” to “gender dysmorphic disorder” or “gender dysphoria”. Dysphoric basically means that one does not feel right being “the norm” they believe that they must be different from what some may expect them to be (at least they removed disorder). Regardless, professional opinion is that if one dresses or acts beyond the expectation it is beyond the “norm”. I say fuck your expectations but hey… thanks for noticing we exist.

Transgender youth are at higher risk for numerous violent crimes, murders, suicides and other unpredictable circumstances in North North America. Externally we truly have a lot of monumental atrocities to deal with at this period in history, but at the same time “We Out Here” trying to change things fo’ yo’ kids! No body wants to be the subject of extreme bullying, hate crimes, gay/trans bashing ect, ect, ect. More and more people are “outing” and “coming out”, we are all dealing with this on one level or another. Thank you to all of the people fighting every day for a more accepting and loving society.

As we fight this never-ending battle with the world and with ourselves, its our soul whom we owe the victor. You are your own biggest fan! Trust in yourself and thus in your life because some say in the end… “thats all you have”. But give thanks to all your friends and family love them dearly from here to the ends of the earth because it doesn’t matter if you gay, straight, trans or bi. We all here together and nobody wants to live a lie.

-Nina

Trans Pride: A Higher Cause (Poetry) – Nina

Reblogg Poetry

GoodnightNina.

I am…

The Type of writer who lites fires with typewriters.

Trans pride; n its a quite higher:

cause.

Despite my minor flaws I write because.

I’m…

Inspired by role models and not cold bottles.

No more sorrow.

I’m trans and…

Trans transgender pride; my gender why?

In splendor I; am utterly myself.

Selfishly no; selfless by being oneself with.

All that I can and possibly will.

If I didn’t; I’d probably be ill.

Although it really needs no commentary.

On the contrary I still see a bigots daily

I’m doing fine but I can imagine somewhere out there…

Someone is terrified of being themselves

I see this clearly.

Now a common occurring; non obscuring event.

I present myself to the world plus my 2 cents.

Have a conscience; discriminatory nonsense.

Happiness lays around the corner for many.

Plenty if we; could set an example and

Simply be free.

Nina

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Getting funky again…over J Dilla . Freestyle but beat turnt up too much… but had fun!

Journal Entry Number I don’t Know, bloop. :)

Just waking up at 6 Am. Feeling pretty good today; in turn from sleeping nearly 12 hours I am guessing?  I know, thats a F***ing long sleep right? My day today… Hoping that my girlfriends car has the life to make a trip over to my house… we really got to get that S*** fixed! It’s ugly outside and I need her to come over and cuddle, watch movies and let me cook her some dinner. As hard as I think I am sometimes, thats kind of played out, I’ve realized I mostly am not. Probably more of a softy. More interested in warmth, love, compassion ect. and I miss her / I miss her a lot.  But no matter what she’s definitely worth the wait…

The day is so young; but I’m wide awake. Wanting time to go by just a little bit faster. Not that I’m upset, I’m just optimistic for the day. Even with a clouded sky I will have smiling eyes. Although unsure at times if my writing is worth the words written I’ll continue nonetheless, for the sake I’ll look back one day, learn from it, or cherish it. I love looking back at my art, music and videos but for the first time in my life I’m trying to take the artistic approach of writing seriously. Not in the sense that I am going in any particular direction with it but in the sense that no matter what happens that I will simply continue doing it, whatever the days may bring.

Poetry has become an intricate part of my day to day life having been reading it everyday on my wordpress feed. I love reading poetry these days more than I ever have before. Its spilled it’s way into my youtube channel and also a great way of expressing my feelings, to the world and to the people I love. I’d say that poetry, how little or how much I do maybe was always a part of me. Hip hop is also poetry and I’ve been missing that feeling when you lay down a clean 16 bars. I try to write bars everyday only to get frustrated when its not exactly how I want it to be, frustrating me and leaving me wondering if it might be more productive to just get on and freestyle some stuff out till it just sounds right. I DONT KNOW! -writers block- ?

Anyways, hope you all have a great day!

Heres a little link-pooh.

Nina – Are you listening? Slam poetry rap.

 

Trans Pride: A Higher Cause (Poetry) – Nina

I am…

The Type of writer who lites fires with typewriters.

Trans pride; n its a quite higher:

cause.

Despite my minor flaws I write because.

I’m…

Inspired by role models and not cold bottles.

No more sorrow.

I’m trans and…

Trans transgender pride; my gender why?

In splendor I; am utterly myself.

Selfishly no; selfless by being oneself with.

All that I can and possibly will.

If I didn’t; I’d probably be ill.

Although it really needs no commentary.

On the contrary I still see a bigots daily

I’m doing fine but I can imagine somewhere out there…

Someone is terrified of being themselves

I see this clearly.

Now a common occurring; non obscuring event.

I present myself to the world plus my 2 cents.

Have a conscience; discriminatory nonsense.

Happiness lays around the corner for many.

Plenty if we; could set an example and

Simply be free.

 

Nina

Jotting my journal away! – Nina

Journaling is kind of funny on here because it is very random writing for me. Yet it seems to get more views than other posts.  If you clicked here and don’t know me I’m Nina, I am 27 years old and a happily transgender female living on the west coast of Canada (Lovely Vancity). I tend to blog a lot of art, graffiti, poetry, Buddhism related stuff and ocasionally indulge into my life; its ups and downs or spirals down rabbit holes / or perhaps blasting to the moon.

I’m in a great place at this point in my journey and I am really appreciative of friends family and supporters through my m2f transition that occurred for a large portion of my life.  So if you’re reading this, thank you. Also helping to smooth over my recovery from substance abuse and dealing with bipolar and shit that comes along with it, particularly my girlfriend, I love you hun. Thank you.

When I say I am happily trans its because I don’t carry any burdens along with me. I don’t dwell on if I could’ve been born a woman or transitioned sooner. Maybe everything happens at a certain time for a certain reason; I am not really sure, but in this moment it feels right; and I know I am in the right place. And with this: Hoping my life can reach out a hand a little bit; letting people know with growth comes healing.

The studies and posts I do regarding Buddhism, Zen and Tao are important in a large sense and perhaps I should not be the one wording the dharma or explaining it but… I will say that I have grown as a person because of it and it has taken me on journeys I did not think possible. It has also helped with my creativity, focus and recovery from abuse. So I try my best to share that. Untainted.

I have been spending a lot of time with my lover and it’s been wonderful. And although I have relapsed and I have had anxiety and I have been psychotic…

I’m doing good. I am still working on it  and “keep it movin'”.   Always!—- forward.

Today I am just chillin’ at home and watching time slowly pass by. Drawing and reading and  I’m happily typing away and wishing all of you the best wherever you want to go.

Stay beautiful, stay strong.

Peace

Nina