December 3rd Journal

451 days Sober. I arise…

5 am and all is silent. I take a puff from my vape… exhale… put it down and open wordpress and place my hands on the keyboard… Now I’m here and what does here bring? I dont remember my dreams, so theres no getting into that with you. I feel rather drowsy, tired, and uninspired. But I vow to type anyways. Life has its ups and downs and as the coffee kicks in I feel the positivity of my own life. Blessed with many things and surviving just fine. Today is all we really have. I’m thankful to be here.

I feel free. Everything is at my fingertips. And the earth under my feet is mine. So I walk. And this is where I want to be. Rain pours down and it is the most calming sound on earth. Thank you for the rain… As my walk ends my phone dies walking up the steps to my apartment and I think this is perfectly meant to be…

It is now 6 am and I am back at my computer desk. Back at WordPress. The junkie inside me is telling me I want dopamine… I want adrenaline. And I will give in soon enough. But it wont be with alcohol. It is a natural high that I seek. Runners high or freezing showers. My anxiety meds. I suppose they are a narcotic… But life is simply not livable without them. I simply want to get high.

I hope I do.

-Nina

Simp.

Bliss simplicity

Simplicity is this

The rain tatter the roof

The coffee; I sit on my stoop

A faded piano; hi hat n snare

Bass; I can relax

Sit back and stare

It’s a glorious morning

Dark and in the rain

Simplicit bliss.

I feel no pain

Nina

Rain obsessed

Why do I love the rain

Does it wash away the pain

The hurt; of living here on earth

Or is it the calm and serene

Drifting into streams

Or cascading lights in the city

Stunning; it’s so pretty

Or perhaps the sound

On the tin roofs or ground

It’s lovely when it rains except

Perhaps I’m a little rain obsessed.

Nina

Slowed.

Its all been slowed to a stop

And I felt like a child again

Something as simple as the breeze blowing on my face

And the sound of wind

The tattering rain on the tin roof

And the slightest warmth in the air

Smiling when I can feel,

And hear; the earths simple pleasures

Timeless is and

Precious is life.

Nina

It’s going to rain. :)

Forecast of calming humidity; cascading the water of life

The trickling down and tapping our cozy abodes

Relaxing our minds

The plants rejoice and dance with the drops on petals, leafs and pines

It’s the natural healing

Perfect to unwind.

🙂

 

 

Depression/Anxiety/Bipolar? Relapse? Fuck that.-Checking in with Nina

Outside it is pouring a warm rain, I’ve left the door wide open, just listening. Drinking my coffee wishing I had slept in but that’s never the case for me. The rain is beautiful and calming and I know warm weather is coming soon and I desperately need it, Sun and exploration. I have a Canon rebel hoping to be out doing street photography shoots and skate videos. Walking the city and hiking the mountains. I know. Good times are coming.

I’m still enjoying my transition; I shouldn’t even call it that because I feel complete. Instead: I’m enjoying life as a woman. I don’t have dysphoria for the most part. Sometimes I don’t even wear makeup and simply rely on my natural beauty; which feels good. I love shopping and building a never-ending wardrobe, I love doing my makeup and picking my outfits or wearing the intimate types for me or my girlfriend and my life is a thousand times better this way.

I’m climbing out of my depressive state; slowly but surely. Taking my blog seriously and taking life seriously around 100 days sober. It’s taken some getting used to coming from using my whole life and recently living in the the shelter to my beautiful home and completely sober but I’m extremely hopeful for the future; letting go of destructive uses of time and onto the constructive… I’m supposed to be tapering down my anxiety meditation but I might have to tell my doctor that I’m actually not ready for that. The thought of battling it without meditation is just… ugh. My anxiety still has a firm grip on me basically; not for any particular reason, it’s just my bipolar.

So basically I’m just overcoming, striving to be better than I was yesterday and holding onto the positives that keep me going. Extremely blessed and lucky: to be alive, to be with my love, having a home and infinite opportunities to grasp and work with. As for anxiety/depression/bipolar, I’m just going to take control of my life and ride the shit out. I’ve been through way too much in this life to let that shit control me. Fuck that.

Nina

The rain…



Source: Morning musings…141

Freedom Rain

I’m within the rain.

My eyes are heavy, raindrops hitting the windows…

I love the rain when I’m at home,

it’s engulfing my soul with its life..

I’m still and calm, eyes still heavy, relaxed,

dripping away the rain from gutters to concrete and grass.

The temperature is mild and chill*

refreshing to breathe in this rainforest we call our home. 🙂

The dogs sit quietly as if they too are relaxing to the sounds of raindrops and the –!whitecitynoise:::.

My connection to this rain is like….

a birds connection with the air beneath it’s feathers.

It represents freedom.

 

Nina Yin

Tears – Nina

Last night cried so hard

Happy tears and sad tears

It’s okay to cry life’s not easy

I get so worried … Friends and family.

I get ultra sensitive.

Cried tears of joy like “thank you”,

love is powerful.

I’m lucky to be alive.

Another beautiful morning.

The peaceful raindrops on my neighbors tin roof are calming to the soul.

I’m eating fresh fruit with angelic vocal trance playing out of my devices.

I optimistically picture the after of the sunrise for the night is in midway and it’s pitch black out my window

My lovers essence fills my head adding more divine texture to this moment as I smile.

Just another beautiful morning.